


I Wanna Be Adored

by demonjeans



Category: Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Age Difference, Depression, Drug Use, Dubious Consent, M/M, Sex Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-22
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-06-03 19:46:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 47,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6623779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonjeans/pseuds/demonjeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sex is sex and Seth needs the money. Things are tough and sometimes he feels like he’s going to fall apart. It’s not all bad though as he slowly finds support in the workers from the hotel he frequents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A bit of age difference here. Seth is 19 whereas everyone else would be ranging in mid 20s or above.

Right now Seth’s living his life in his headphones. Or he’s avoiding it them. He’s trying to drown out the silence of the apartment and the noise of the streets. He and his mom had lost everything. Life used to be boring as can be until his mother’s accident. She couldn’t work and no place would hire him, bills skyrocketed with no means to pay for them. The city shut off the lights, then the water, until finally an eviction notice was plastered on their front door. They sold everything that had any worth and found some grimey hole in the wall to live in. 

For a while Seth had continued trying and failing to find a job. No experience. Too young to work in a bar. He’s basically useless for any normal job. His mom mentions college and he just wants to laugh, but he nods and lets her pretend there’s some tiny miracle of a chance.

“You’re smart. I’m sure there’s scholarships.”

“You’re gonna be late, ma.” Seth says and she gives a tiny swear, getting up from the table in a rush.

“Go to bed, alright? Just cause I work graveyard shifts doesn’t mean that’s your schedule too.”

She plants a kiss in his hair on the way out and he manages a smile. He wishes she was right, wishes he could tell her what he does at night but he can already picture the look on her face. The pang of guilt hits right on cue, shoving it aside he gets ready for the night. He doesn’t really make a big show of it, black skinny jeans, tight black tank, and a grey hoodie. All they want to see is his face and ass, the clothes don’t matter.

Seth puts on his headphones as he leaves, it’s become a bit of a safety blanket. Music drowning out the noise of the streets, the whistle of casual passersby. He reads body language, expressions, he knows when someone wants him. He’ll give a little smirk and lead them to the hotel he frequents. The check in attendant always gives him a sympathetic look that he can’t stand but Seth lets his thoughts roll onto the song then the task at hand. The heavy beats are there when he’s being pounded into the mattress and he’s moaning at the top of his lungs. He hates when it feels so good. It’s supposed to be a job. When it’s all over he tugs his pants back on and leaves just as he came. Worse for wear but with a little more in his pocket. It’s all he can do. 

He exits the room walking down the hall passing by the housekeeping cart. The man pushing the cart looks more like he’s going to break into the rooms rather than clean them. Messy blonde hair and a uniform that badly needs to be pressed. Honestly, he looks like he’s been fucked harder than Seth and it takes all his willpower not to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. The guy looks up at him, his lips moving but the music’s too loud. Seth keeps walking when a broom blocks his path. 

He looks back over at the man, putting on an annoyed expression and pulling back the right side of his headphones. “What?”

"How old are you?”

He stares in confusion. “...None of your business.” 

The broom stays in place. “Look, I don’t give a shit what you do but I need this job and you look too young to be doin’ what you’re doin’. So, your age?”

“Old enough.” He rolls his eyes. 

“That’s not a real answer.”

He pushes away the broom and continues down the hall. “Don’t worry about your job.”

When he gets home he pulls off the headphones and cooks something up for his mother’s return. It makes her smile and Seth feels the whole night before drift away. Eventually he’ll have to come up with some story about getting a late night job but he’s alway been pretty awful at lying to his mom. Right now it’s not too bad, she thinks he’s asleep during her shifts and that’s fine with him. She’s so tired by the end of the morning that she doesn’t even notice that Seth’s ready to pass out too.

It all easily becomes routine. Hitting the streets with his latest playlist pouring into his ears, watching and waiting. The familiar look of the guy at the front desk that Seth casually tries to ignores when he gets a room. The guy, Roman by the name tag, always holds onto the key a little too long. Cool grey eyes looking right at him as if asking Seth if he was sure he wanted to be doing this. He wants to tell Roman to quit it but the guy never calls the cops so Seth bears with it, avoiding the other’s gaze as much as possible. 

He thought that the clients would be more adventurous with their positions but most want to bend him over or just face plant him into the sheets. He’s fine with it, makes everything predictable. At the end of the night he passes the housekeeping guy who gives him the stink eye, Seth gives him his best polite ‘fuck you’ smile while tossing a tip into the cart. 

The next night is a mess. The weather is awful and he knows he should’ve stayed home but there he is standing in the rain like an idiot. He doesn’t think and goes with the first halfway decent guy who gives him a look over. The guy isn’t someone he usually takes to the hotel, he looks more of a blow in bathroom type, but the rain’s starting to pick up. The guy is eager, shoving him onto the bed and roughly running his hands over Seth’s body. Some guys are just handsy though so he turns up the volume as the next song comes on. Fast, erratic, and loud. It’s perfect.

Until the guy shoves something into his mouth. He isn’t sure what it is at first it’s sour, melting away on his tongue. He starts to shove the guy off when things begin to blur. The rest of the night is vague and out of body. Everything fading in and out. Panic floods his mind and then… nothing. 

“Hey.” A voice calls out to him. Something nudges at him. “Hey, kid wake up.”

Seth groans, slowly piecing everything back together again. He’s on the floor, skin feeling rug burned. Everything aches. 

“If you die here I’m throwing you in the dumpster. Just so you know.” And now Seth can place the voice. It’s the housekeeping jerk. Probably smugly looking at his sad state.

Seth can’t help a pained laugh, his eyes cracking open just enough to glance at the other. “Probably for the best.”

His voice sounds rough and broken. He wants to move, put on some clothes but his limbs feel too heavy. Before he can register it he’s being gently lifted and placed on the bed. The blanket is pulled up over him and footsteps circle the room, stopping every now and then. 

A soft thud lands on the bed. “Here’s your clothes. I’ll tell ‘em you’re staying a bit longer today.”

Seth’s eyes blink open, panic resetting in. “What time is it?”

“Almost ten. Hey, you need-”

Seth does his best attempt to push himself from the bed and get dressed. He gets as far as pulling on his tank on when he feels like he’s gonna puke. Housekeeper jerk makes him lay back down and tells him to stay put. 

“I’ll find you something from the kitchen. Just stay there, I don’t wanna clean your goddamn puke.”

With that he’s left alone in bed, the dull buzz of the room giving him no comfort. Slowly he reaches over for his cell and headphones. Luckily there’s still some battery left so he send a quick text to his mom.

**‘Sorry I wasn’t home. Going on a job hunt.’**

**‘Good luck, hun! I’m sure you’ll do great!’**

He gives the screen a miserable look and plugs in the headphones. He finds something soft and soothing to calm the ache in his body. The heaviness lifts and Seth drifts away into the void of sleep. He’s grateful for the dreamless sleep but less so when his headphones are being tugged off his head.

“You’re gonna go deaf with those.” Housekeeper jerk says. “Found some orange juice and leftover breakfast shit.”

“Why’d you bring me food?” Seth croaks out, carefully bringing himself to a sitting position.

“Told ya I need this job. We don’t need some dead wh- … guy to explain to the cops about.”

“You could say whore. Won’t hurt my feelings.” He lies taking a sip of orange juice.

The other man shrugs. “Didn’t peg you as a junkie.”

“I’m not.” Seth quickly defends. “He just shoved- whatever it was, in my mouth.”

It falls quiet for a beat and housekeeper jerk just gives a nod. “I got rooms to clean. Take your time… cause I’m not joking ‘bout the puke. I’ll make you clean it yourself.”

Seth exhales a laugh. “Thanks for…” he gestures at the food. “I- name’s Seth.”

“Dean.”


	2. Chapter 2

Seth wasn’t planning on going out the next night. He wanted to lay in bed and watch shitty movies while pretending things weren’t equally shitty. He had come home to see his mom asleep on the couch, bills stacked on the coffee table. Just looking at them makes Seth’s heart sink. As she stirs awake he makes a quick decision.

“Seth? Hun, what time is it?”

“You still got a couple hours to sleep. But… I got some good news. I, uh, I got a job.”

She perks up immediately, stifling a yawn. “That’s so great, hun! What is it?”

“I- It’s at a hotel. Late night, like you, so… Guess we’ll both be night owls, huh?” He puts on a smile.

“Proud of you, hun.” She says then her eyes fall onto his jaw. “What happened?”

Seth touches the spot and winces. He didn’t bother, nor want, to look in the mirror when he left the hotel. There were a few scattered bruises that he could see so he just zipped up his hoodie and tried to ignore the soreness he felt. 

“Hit myself with a door. Sounds dumb, I know. But I wasn’t thinking. Push, pull, whatever.” He says probably a bit too fast but his mother doesn’t ask other questions.

Seth collapses on his bed and is out like a light until a harsh buzz on his desk wakes him a few hours later. He’s been only doing this for about a month but he’s already got a couple regulars. One in particular that gave him a phone on their second meeting. Finn was handsome and clearly didn’t need to be picking up anyone like Seth, and yet they’d been meeting twice a week since Seth had started. Made no sense to him but Finn paid well and was awkwardly gentle. Hell, they hadn’t even fucked yet. 

Seth forces himself to get ready for the night. He grabs the earbuds Finn got him in place of his regular headphones and walks out the door. The Irishman had told him Seth’s normal headphones made him look like he was hiding, which wasn’t exactly untrue, and that he wanted to actually see Seth. It sounded dumb but kind of sweet. It was probably the accent.

The first thing Finn does when they meet outside the hotel is touch the purpling bruise on Seth’s jaw. There’s a tender look in the other’s eyes that Seth does his best to avoid. It feels weird. He doesn’t deserve it.

“I’m fine.” Seth says under the steady echoey wave of music plays.

The check in guy looks a little surprised to see Seth but he ignores him, takes they key and heads towards his regular suite. He lightly laces his fingers with Finn’s as he leads him down the hall. Seth can feel the other’s gaze locked solely on him, he could lead them off the fucking roof and Finn wouldn’t notice. It makes an involuntary shudder roll down his spine and Finn closes the gap taking Seth’s hand properly in his. 

Once in their room he immediately begins to strip while Finn tosses off his jacket and sits at the edge of the bed. This is Finn’s big powerplay. Having Seth naked and kneeling in front of him undoing his pants to get at his cock. The cold air of the room making him fight down a shiver. Finn gives him the warmth he needs as Seth bobs his head taking more of him in with each movement. Finn’s fingers work their way into his hair, gently tugging and releasing. The only time he gets a bit rougher is when he’s about to cum, his grip tightens and Seth can hear the groan through the music. He swallows it all down and glances up to see Finn watching him, pupils blown and soft look on contentment on his lips. 

This is the easier half of the night, the other is something Seth is still trying to get used to. Finn likes to hold him. Close. At first he thought Finn just felt guilty and was doing this for Seth’s benefit, but it wasn’t. He was told flat out that the other wanted to hold him. Simple as that.

It makes no fucking sense to him but there’s already been nights where that’s all he wants.

Tonight Seth doesn’t really mind being held. He’s still a bit worn out from the night before and the warmth of Finn next to him is oddly comforting.

Finn cups his face and carefully pops out and earbud. “You’re all banged up.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like it.”

Seth closes his eyes, trying to remember the night before and failing. “Picked up the wrong kind of guy. My mistake.”

Finn says nothing but kisses the bruise against his jaw then his lips, slow and sweet.

“Why would you… Why me?” Seth asks.

“What?”

“You’re hot. You could have anyone. Why pay for it?”

“I don’t get to have a lot for myself. I don’t need to be… someone else when I’m with you.”

Seth isn’t sure that he likes the answer. It kind of puts a personal stamp on things. He almost wants to pull away and yet the image of Finn looked dejected because of him seems even worse. He puts the fallen earbud back in and lets himself be enveloped in Finn’s arms. The music sways and sleep overtakes him.

Seth wakes up alone, fat stack of bills on the nightstand and his clothes neatly folded on the desk. He stretches his limbs feeling the satisfying pops when the door swings open.

“Good. You’re not dead.” Dean says walking in.

“Aren’t you supposed to knock?” Seth replies, tugging off the earbuds.

“Yea, well, with yesterday and all, needed to be sure.” Dean look him over. “Didn’t expect to see you back so soon.”

“Decent pay.” He says pulling the blanket closer to himself.

Dean’s gaze trails along the bruises on Seth’s chest to his jaw. “You doin’ ok?”

“Does it matter?” He mumbles apathetically.

“Like I said, don’t need a dead guy in one of our rooms.”

“Well, I’m alive. So… yea.”

The word feel strange. Alive. His time with Finn was nice but he felt empty. The night had been spent and he was forgotten leftovers just when he thought there was a hint of something more. Inwardly, he laughs at himself. It wasn’t like he didn’t know what he signed up for in doing this. It’s supposed to be emotionless and he had accepted that. At least that’s what he told himself.

“I don’t think what you’re doin’ is for you.” Dean says, snapping Seth from his thoughts.

Seth grimaces. “I’m just tired.”

“Spare me. You’re talking to the king of ‘just tired’.”

He looks over Dean, sizing him up. “You’re just a housekeeper.”

“Ain’t my first job, kid.”

Seth sighs and flops back onto the bed. He’s fine. This is just what he has to do to help his mom. He’s tired and he will be fine.

Dean shakes his head. “I’ll get you some breakfast. You need it.”

“Something sweet.” He yawns.

“Giving orders now?”

“You offered. So I’m just gonna pretend you give a shit, ok?” Seth says without thought, eyes fluttering closed.

“Never said I-” Dean shakes his head. “I’ll get you a fucking muffin but you should stay off the streets a couple days. You’re cute but a bruised face ain’t gonna do you any favors.”

“Hey…” He mumbles turning on his side to face Dean. “Did you just call me cute?”

The other man chuckles, a warm feeling pulses through Seth. 

“You’re an idiot.” Dean says with a grin.


	3. Chapter 3

Taking the night off proves to be a lot more tricky than Seth first thought. The first night isn’t so bad, he unwinds a little, watches some terrible movies, and even falls asleep during a bath. It’s overall pleasant. It’s the second night where things start to take a turn. The apartment feels too quiet and even with music he starts to feel twitchy. There’s nothing to occupy his mind so his thoughts start to drift back to the night he got drugged. 

“You didn’t get drugged.” He says aloud to himself. “Don’t be stupid. You knew that could happen. It’s not a big deal.”

So he tries to push it away, grateful that majority of the memories from then are vague. He doesn’t need to think about it. It’s nothing. Just an average night with a little hiccup. Except, he can’t focus and it keeps popping up in the corner of his mind. He shouts out a curse, grabs his things, and heads out into the night.

Automatically, his feet take him in the direction of the hotel before he can stop himself. It’s a habit. An odd comforting feeling seeing familiar faces despite the circumstances. It’s five in the morning and fog is slowly taking over the streets, it makes him feel a bit at peace as he walks past the hotel into the dense air. A bright red ‘coffee’ sign shines through and he enters the dingy little cafe tucking himself into one of the back corner booths. He takes off the headphones and shuts his eyes, trying to focus on the steaming hot mug in his hands. Anything to distract himself from the memories clawing their way through. He grips the cup tighter, angry at himself. Why is he getting worked up about this? It’s not a big deal. 

“Mind if I sit here?” A warm voice asks. 

He looks up and sees the hotel check in attendant, Roman. It’s the first time Seth has actually heard his voice properly, it’s kind of nice. 

“Uh, yea… Go ahead.” 

“Taking the night off again?” Roman asks, pouring in a pack of sugar into his coffee.

“A bruised face isn’t exactly a selling point.”

“Listened to Dean, then.” He hums and Seth raises an eyebrow.

“You guys talk about me?”

“We’ve had guys and gals like you frequent the place before. It’s good to keep an eye on you.” There’s no hint of maliciousness in Roman’s tone and yet Seth feels himself glaring.

“What? You think I’m gonna steal shit or wreck the place?”

“No.” He responds calmly. “Don’t want to see another one crash and burn.”

Another one. That’s all he is really, a passing shadow forgotten by sunrise. Roman and Dean are probably just waiting to see him flounder and barely over a month in Seth’s already doing it. 

“I won’t.” Seth says, voice sounding a bit hollow.

“Seth, right? Nine times outta ten I wouldn’t barge over here and sit here with you but, you don’t look- You look like you’re hurting.”

He keeps his gaze focused on Roman’s coffee. “Trying to get deep with me or something?”

“Maybe. If you want to talk to someone I’m here. I’m not gonna turn you away.” 

He opens his mouth then quickly closes it again, throat feeling dry. Roman’s offer is tempting and just plain bizarre. How can anyone be so randomly kind? 

“How come you always wear headphones?” Roman asks after a beat.

“Distraction. Makes things easier.” He takes a quick glance up then back to the cup, his fingers tapping on his own mug. “I mean, it’s not bad. I don’t hate it, ok? The music just helps.”

They fall into silence again and every time Seth tries to say anything the words die just as soon as they’re thought. It feels like an eternity before he manages anything.

“Things are a little fucked up.” He says holding onto Roman’s gaze for all of two seconds.

“Why?” 

“Bad night. And…” His eyes trail off from the coffee cup looking past Roman towards the door. “I don’t remember most of it. But… Whatever, it’s done.” Seth quickly recomposes himself. “Don’t you have to be at the hotel?”

“It can wait.” Roman says in a soft tone that makes Seth want to faceplant into the table between them.

“No. It’s-” He shakes his head. “It’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“You know, Dean could use a hand on the clean up crew. It’s not the same cash but-”

“Stop.” Seth interrupts, he doesn’t need the help. 

“Just putting it out there.

“I don’t need it.”

Seth gets up before Roman can say anything else. He needs to clear his head and spilling his guts to Roman would just make things worse. The idea of a much more stable job was nice but to Seth it also made him look weak. Like he couldn’t take care of himself, which was a bit true, he just wasn’t ready to admit it yet.

The next night Seth’s back to his regular routine, the bruises haven’t fully healed but sitting at home was no longer an option. The first few guys aren’t much, quick blowjobs in their cars, most of them pull his hair so tight it makes him wince. One guy is all about deepthroating and after he’s done holds tight to the money until Seth’s licked every drop of cum from the man’s cock to his jeans. 

It’s late into the night when he finds someone more serious and heads toward the hotel. This time Roman slides the key on the countertop and goes back to work. It shouldn’t make him feel anything but it does. Halfway during being fucked on all fours does he really feel the sting of disappointment. Sure they had only ever talked yesterday but there was something weirdly comforting in the other man. Maybe it was possible that he was genuinely being nice. 

And Seth had fucked it up. 

After the guy finishes up with him Seth lays in bed staring up at the ceiling. Music blaring loudly in his ears. Sweat and cum slowly begin to dry on his skin but he makes no move to clean himself let alone get up. His eyes flutter closed, drifting off away from his body and mind. His phone’s dead when he wakes meaning he’s slept far too late. Roughly pulling on his clothes he heads out into the hallway only to notice the housekeeping cart a few rooms down from him. Dean skipped his room. 

Anger courses through him as he marches over and enters the open room. “Hey!”

“Hey.” Dean looks up from making the bed.

“Where were you?!” The second the words escape him Seth wishes he could take them back. He sounds so childish.

But Dean isn’t rolling his eyes at him, no. There’s a hint of a smile as he looks over at the younger man. “I was gonna wake you but you looked kinda peaceful for once.” 

Seth feels like an idiot, ready to go on a tirade of inner annoyance when Dean giggles. Flat out giggles.

“What?” Seth asks.

“There’s, uh, pretty sure there’s cum in your hair.” 

Seth combs his fingers through his hair pulling them forward and finding them stuck in the bleach blond strands. Sure enough there’s a gross white residue clinging to it. Seth covers his face in his free hand and groans, completely mortified. This is the icing on the shit cake that is his existence. 

“C’mon.” Dean says leading them out. “I’ll take you to my room and you can clean up.”

“You’re room? Here?”

“Yea. Long story short, I live here.” 

“That’s not even a story. That’s like three words.” Seth argues, his face still tinted red in embarrassment. 

“Hey, you have cum in your hair.” Dean points out again with a wide grin.

All of the heaviness of the past week fades, if just for a moment and neither of them can stop laughing as they walk side by side down the hall.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean’s room is on the third floor off at the very end of the hall. It’s messy but in a good way, it suits the other man. That makes Seth want to roll his eyes, he barely knows anything about Dean. Yet he trusts him enough to go shower in Dean’s room. Trusts him enough to be angry at Dean for not being there when he woke up. Both things Seth can’t find it in himself to dwell on while standing under the hot stream of water above him. The tensions slowly lifting off his shoulders as the water rolls down his spine. 

Seth isn’t planning on ending up in Dean’s bed afterward and yet there he is. Curled up in a bathrobe on over fluffed blanket amidst a mass of pillows. It was heaven. He knows he should call his mom, check in and let her know things are ok, but he has zero motivation to move whatsoever. Dean had snatched away his clothes while Seth was in the shower claiming that they were filthy, which they were, and left him a robe to wear in the meantime. The whole experience even up to this point is a push and pull of finding it all very comforting and not wanting to appear weak. 

“Cozy?” Dean asks, reentering the room.

Seth sits up quickly. “Sorry. You weren’t here when I got out and… Your bed’s comfy?”

Dean snorts. “Relax. I’m not kicking you out, but make space cause I needa lay down a minute.”

“Not feeling well?”

“Tired. Don’t sleep much.” Dean yawns flopping onto the opposite side of the bed. “Your clothes’ll be ready in a bit. So gross.”

Seth rolls his eyes. “You didn’t have to, you know.”

Dean doesn’t respond and for a little while Seth watches the slow rise and fall of the other’s chest, the rattle of the AC filling the void of silence. He considers swiping some of Dean’s clothes and leaving, it’s not like he won’t be seeing him again. But the bed is too comfy and admittedly it feels kind of nice laying beside the other. At least until Dean starts fidgeting and grumbling in his sleep. 

“Dean?” He leans up on one shoulder.

The blond only grimaces in response. 

“Hey,” Seth lightly nudges at him. “Dean, wake- uh!” 

Dean swiftly grabs him by the wrist and pulls Seth smack into his arms. A suffocating bear hug of a hold. For a moment he panics, mumbling through a mouthful of Dean’s shirt to be let go, but Dean gives a little content hum and Seth stills. A smile crosses his face, he had to admit the little noise was kind of cute and at least Dean settled down. 

It was sort of nice actually.

It reminded Seth of being with Finn except Dean was basically squishing him to death. Not the worst way to go, he thinks. Warm, mostly safe except the dying part, he breathes in Dean’s scent and lets his body relax. Dean’s fingers press into the soft fabric of the robe, his hand moving down the small of Seth’s back. Carefully, Seth slips his arm around Dean’s waist and settles in while trying not to wake the other. And it’s great for all of ten minutes, the Dean’s phone alarm goes off. 

In a matter of seconds Seth’s shoved away so hard he nearly falls off the bed. Dean lets out a string of curses while Seth struggles to fight back the laughter bubbling in his throat. 

“What?” Dean narrows his eyes at him, confused.

“Pretty sure you punched me in the ribs- and it really fucking hurt.” He says before bursting into laughter, hand on his side. Tears start forming in the corners of his eyes, whether it’s from the pain or not he has no clue.

Dean looks like he wants to apologize but he just stares at the other. “Why are you laughing?”

“I don’t even know.” He wipes away the tears. “My life has become such a shitshow even nice guys are punching me now.”

“I didn’t mean to!” Dean quickly defends.

“My bruises were finally starting to fade, man.” He says in a bit of a pouty voice, laughter finally subsiding. 

“Sorry. Just- didn’t expect you there is all. Why were we even…?”

“You were talking in your sleep. Tried to wake you up and you hugged me like a goddamn teddy bear.”

“Fuck.” He rubs his eyes. “Yea, sorry about that.”

“It’s fine, was kinda nice… I mean, in a I’m slowly choking to death kind of way.”

Dean shakes his head, exhaling a laugh. “I’mma get your clothes.”

“Hey.” He reaches out stopping Dean from leaving the bed. “Uh- Roman said something about you offering me a job maybe.”

Seth feels so awkward he wants to punch himself in the face.

But Dean’s eyes actually light up, barely perceptible but it’s there. “Yea, yea job’s yours if you want it.”

“I’d like that. I mean, if I could still do my other work on the side.” He glances away a moment. “I need the money, you know?”

“I get it.” Dean says in a reassuring tone that still doesn’t really tame Seth’s guilt. “Can start tomorrow.”

The following night Seth gets a call from a regular that leaves him feeling great and terrible all at once. Hunter isn’t a bad guy, he treats Seth with respect and pays ridiculously well. He just happens to enjoy fucking Seth into oblivion, basically. It’s the kind of sex where it feels like he’s being broken to pieces but the sensation of it all is so amazing Seth never wants it to end. When it does however Seth can barely move and by all accounts he’s pretty sure he’s dying.

Hunter is nice about it though. He runs a bath for him cleaning him up while planting kisses against his temple telling him how fantastic Seth was. It’s fucking odd but feels nice. No other client with the exception of Finn treats Seth like he actually matters. So he allows himself to smile a little and let Hunter take care of him.

Tonight is no exception. The first thing the older man demands is Seth take off his headphones as Hunter wants all of Seth’s attention solely on him. After that things become blurs of his clothes being ripped off, his hair being pulled, and kisses so rough he has to gasp for air after. 

Hunter bends him so far Seth’s knees are behind his head, but that’s really nothing compared to how deep and forceful Hunter is pumping into him. His body aches with each thrust, moaning so loudly Seth isn’t sure he’ll still have his voice after. He knows at some point they moved from the bed over to the desk then eventually ended up on the floor as his knees are horrendously rug burned. How Seth got into any of those positions is unclear to him. All he knows is that he came on the carpet and he suddenly feels a hell of a lot of empathy for Dean.

“I’m gonna have to clean that…” He mumbles.

“What?”

“Nothing.” He says breathlessly. “I, uh, my legs are stuck.

As usual Hunter picks him up and carries him off to the restroom for a bath. The hot water soothes the aches in his limbs and Seth can feel himself begin to drift off when Hunter speaks.

“I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something.”

“Hmm?” Seth blinks slowly looking up at Hunter.

“What if you could get paid like this every night?”

“And be fucked like that? I’d be paralyzed.” He gives a tired laugh.

Hunter smiles proudly. “This? This is just us. I mean others that I know, clients that I can provide for you. They’d be a lot gentler with you, I’d make sure of that.”

“Wait… So you’d be like a pimp?”

“Think of it like a partnership.”

“...Do you have other partnerships?”

“A few, only the best.” Hunter says and Seth slowly begins to tense up.

“I, uh, I’m not so sure…”

“It would be a lot safer than picking up random strangers every night. My clients are checked through and through.”

The water is beginning to cool, he wants to get out but Hunter’s gaze is keeping him firmly in place.

“I’ll think about it.” He says softly hoping for the conversation to come to a close.

Afterwards Hunter dries Seth off and leaves him on the bed still filling his ears with compliments that cloud his mind. Once he’s alone, numbness starts to take over. He’s tired, mind and body, but Hunter’s offer floats through almost as if on repeat. Would it be easier? Clients being brought to him instead of standing at the end of some alleyway waiting and hoping he picks up someone decent. Hunter would essentially be his pimp though whether he calls it a partnership or not and the thought scares him a little. 

His eyes fall onto the fat stack of cash on the desk and sighs hopelessly. “But I’d make so much…”

There’s a knock at the door making Seth jump. How long had he been lying there? He grabs a blanket and loosely wraps it around himself walking over to the door. He’s not surprised to see Dean out in the hallway but the pang of guilt still hits.

“Hey.” He says putting on a smile. “Just let me get dressed.” 

Dean looks like he’s about to laugh then looks around at the room. “After that you’re cleanin’ up this mess. I’m getting way too fuckin’ used to your bodily fluids.”

Seth rolls his eyes and limps over to his clothes on the bed. Dean turns away as he gets dressed but there was an odd look in his eye. Disapproving maybe. Concerned? Honestly, he probably doesn’t care one way or the other.

“You ok?” Dean asks once Seth pulls on his clothes.

He isn’t. Well, he’s not the worst he’s been. There’s just a cloud above him. He’s been making money and yea it’ll help but it isn’t enough. Seth wants to make the worry lines on his mom’s face fade away. Wants to move them out of the hole in the wall they live in. She deserves better and Seth will make sure she gets it. 

“Seth?” Dean waves a hand in front of his face.

“Sorry,” Seth blinks. “Mind’s just everywhere.”

“Look, I don’t wanna tell you how to do things. It’s not my fuckin’ place to, y’know?” Dean crosses his arms. “But you’re pushing yourself too hard and you need to fuckin’ rest so get outta here.”

Seth stares at him confused. “But I wanna help.”

“You’ll help me not worry about you if you go. My room’s upstairs if you need it or go home, doesn’t matter.”

“...Did you just say you worry about me?”

Dean sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Go home.”

“I wanna help.”

He shakes his head. “No.”

“I have to!” Seth says feeling incredibly childish but he can’t just bail on Dean like this.

“Why?”

“I- I came on the carpet.” He points at the floor. “Right there.”

It’s amazing to see Dean’s face go from bewildered, shocked, and then completely lose it, laughing so hard Seth can’t help but join in.

“Why would you do that?!” Dean says between laughs.

“I wasn’t planning on it!” Seth argues.

“What did I ever do to you?” Dean tries to play being upset but his smile is too damn wide to be convincing. “I try to be kind and you cum on the carpet.” 

“I said I’d clean it!”

Dean clicks his tongue going over to the cart. He tosses Seth a spray bottle of bleach and gloves. “Next time a little forethought, yea?”


	5. Chapter 5

The next two weeks pass with strange stability Seth is finding himself getting accustomed to most nights he picks up a client goes to the hotel, they fuck, Seth naps until Dean shows up, then he helps clean up the rooms. It’s tiring, but it’s better than him sitting at home dwelling on every little thing. Well, he still does a bit of that but at least he’s being productive. Majority of the money he makes goes right to his mom and the smile she gives him makes it all worth it. 

Except when she tells him she’s proud of him and Seth has to force on a smile and pretend like all he does is clean rooms. If she knew the whole story that pride would be instantly replaced with disgust. Those are the nights he changes gears and skips his regular spot at the edge of the alley in favor of sitting with Roman in the dingy little coffee shop they first spoke in. They don’t talk much but neither mind the company. Seth finds it comforting and despite not being quite able to say it out loud he’s fairly certain Roman knows it. 

Dean is… Dean is weird, but in a good way. Despite that neither give much away personally they bicker back and forth like they’ve known each other for years. Being around Dean makes him feel steady. That maybe Seth isn’t just what he does at night. He can be an actual person that laughs and genuinely feels things. It’s so fucking bizarre that when he gets home Seth wonders if the last few hours really happened or not. Sometimes he thinks about telling Roman about it during their little sit downs but the words never come.

Lately he’s been toying with the idea of slowing his client work down maybe only keeping a few regulars and instead mostly working with Dean. It’s a big pay cut but maybe he’ll feel a little less hollow. Then he thinks about Hunter and how much more money he could be making. Enough to move them into a nicer a place or even better for her to not have to work as much. What he doesn’t expect is to suddenly have a third offer thrown right into his lap.

He hadn’t seen Finn for a solid week and it really bothered Seth. Yes, Finn is a client but being with him never felt much like work. Which was kind of a scary thought. Finn had stopped asking for blowjobs in favor of giving them or having heavy makeout sessions. It sounds silly, he gets paid enough to be fucked any which way Finn wants but he never wants to. It’s always slow, sensual, by the end of it he almost feels drunk like he could just wrap himself around Finn and be content. The absence of the other man is starting to tug at him so when said Irishman sends Seth a text he doesn’t hesitate. 

It’s a perfect excuse to clear his head from thinking about any looming decisions. The trouble is Finn doesn’t want to go to the hotel, he wants to go back to his place. So there he is sitting on Finn’s lap, his neck being peppered with soft kisses while he attempts to think clearly, the electric beat flowing through his earbuds not helping matters but spurning him on. The hotel was safe, that was the whole point of going there in the first place but this was Finn. He felt safe and maybe being away would help things. He did have to put some weight behind it though.

“Pay me double and you got it.” Seth says.

“Done.”

Finn’s loft is huge, the city lights shining through the floor to ceiling windows. Everything is crisp, clean, modern but there’s a touch of emptiness that doesn’t sit quite right with him. There’s no real time to think about it though as he’s lead of to the bedroom. Seth starts to strip as usual and to his surprise Finn does the same. He can’t help but stare, Finn’s muscular but lean and cut in all the right places. It’s not what Seth was expecting under his usual suit.

“Did you- Did you wanna?...”

“Not quite yet.” Finn says then softly pushes Seth onto the bed.

Finn climbs on top of him, his hand slowly pumping Seth’s cock to match his own hardness. Seth feels his abs tense as Finn begins to rut their cocks together. He bites his lip, a smile crossing Seth’s face, this all feels so delicate and intimate. Being with Finn always does and right now it’s exactly what he needs.

It reminds him of being in high school fooling around with a boyfriend for the first time. It makes his skin buzz with burning energy. The music flowing through Seth swells and with no hesitation he pulls Finn in for a kiss, a moan shared between them. Their rhythm picks up, Seth’s hips rolling into Finn’s causing him to bury his face into Seth’s collarbone. He can feel Finn’s groans rumble against his throat followed by the pinpricks of teeth nipping at the tender flesh.

Seth cums on the spot.

Finn follows shortly after then rolls off laying beside him. It takes a minute for either of them to catch their breath, both of them grinning like idiots. Finn gently pops out one of Seth’s earbuds and whispers something he doesn’t fully hear he’s so damn lost in the moment.

He pulls out the other earbud and glances over. “What?”

“I want you.”

“You have me.” He smirks.

Finn leans over for a quick kiss. “I want more of you.”

“Gotta give me some time to recharge.” He chuckles but Finn gives a light shake of his head. 

“That’s not what I mean.” Finn says sitting up, his fingers start to trace aimless lines on Seth’s stomach. “...I don’t want anyone else to have you.”

Seth doesn’t know what to say, what to even think. Finn can sense him begin to tense and rests back down beside him.

“Should’ve probably worded that better.” Finn sighs.

“No, I- It’s not that I don’t like the idea.”

“But?”

“I don’t know, you- make me off balance.”

“That a bad thing?” He asks.

“No.” Seth clarifies. “It’s nice… which could be bad. You like me more than just this, don’t you?”

There’s a tinge of blush spreading onto Finn’s cheeks. “...Maybe.”

“You know this is the most we’ve ever spoken to each other?” He says and they share an awkward laugh.

“I dunno why I do, just do.” Finn answers, Seth hums in agreement.

“I need a little time to think about it.” He says quietly.

Finn gives him a little nod then a quick peck on the lips. “Take all the time you need.”

The offer casually floats in his mind all the way back to the hotel. Everything feels so confusing and the second he sees Dean it’s even worse. Guilt hits him like a brick and it doesn’t even have a reason to. He was doing his job, it shouldn’t matter what Dean thinks of him.

Dean’s eyes fall onto the bite marks on his neck. “You ok?”

“Yea, just, uh, had a bit of a night.”

“Weren't in your usual room.” He comments.

“Went to the guy’s place.”

Dean stares at him like he’s grown a second head. “You can’t really be that fuckin’ dumb.”

“Excuse me?” 

“You went with some stranger to their house to fuck and you don’t see how dangerous that is?”

“Wait. It’s not- He’s safe. I was fine.” Seth argues.

Dean rolls his eyes. “He’s a guy who fucks you for money, he’ll say whatever the hell he needs to.”

Dean’s not totally wrong, Seth has said the same thing to himself many times before. Finn is different though, he’s certain.

So he glares at Dean, fists balling up. “It wasn’t dumb. I knew what I was doing.”

Dean’s expression softens a little, he crosses his arms. “I’m not trying to make you feel like shit, alright? I’m trying to help.”

His shoulders sag, gaze now falling to the floor. Everyone has some idea of what he should be doing. 

“That’s the thing, I don’t think you can. Everything’s… Can we just get to work?”

Dean looks like he wants to push back, but he takes a little breath and sighs. “Yea, ok.”

The next few hours pass in mostly tense silence, they barely even look at each other. It’s his fault. Seth knows Dean meant well but it felt like another added weight on his shoulders. Too many people swirling in his head, each with different plans and expectations. He’s finding it harder to breathe with every passing second. Things weren’t supposed to get this complicated.

The room begins to spin and his knees buckle. He’s out before he hits the ground. With the past few weeks of constant fatigue Seth had hoped he’d gotten used to it by now. Sure he had felt exhausted but that wasn’t anything new to him. He finds himself in the bed of the room they were cleaning and mutters a curse.

“Hey.” Dean says. He’s sitting beside the bed, concern evident on his face. 

Seth just inwardly yells at himself some more.

“Sorry.” He replies, voice a bit hoarse.

Dean shakes his head. “Told Ro to grab you something to eat. Didn’t wanna leave you alone.”

“I’m fine.” He mumbles and tries to avoid the look Dean gives him. “Ok, ...I could be better.”

“You’re a fuckin’ idiot.” Dean laughs but it’s in a way that makes Seth a little more at ease.

It’s enough for him to ask for something he shouldn’t.

“Will you... “ He lifts an arm. He can’t full on ask Dean to hold him, maybe the other’s laugh will turn sour.

For a moment he’s certain Dean’s going to say no but the older man gets up from his chair and into the bed. This is probably a bad idea that will only add to the confusion he’s feeling but Seth can’t find the will to care. When Dean pulls him into his arms Seth feels his body finally starts to relax. Too much. 

Seth doesn’t realize he’s crying until he’s sobbing so hard he’s fucking shaking. Dean plants a kiss in his hair and soothingly rubs his back. Reassuring words are said that Seth can’t focus on but the sound of Dean’s voice is warm and he’ll take that. He grips onto Dean’s sides, breathing the other’s scent in until he drifts off into the comforting darkness of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this chapter. There were so many different ways to go! Little ps: Thank you so much to everyone who's following along and reading this. Means a ton! <3


	6. Chapter 6

The next few days aren’t his best. When Seth finally leaves the hotel he heads home and stays there for several days. Tucked away in his bed, wrapped up in a thick blanket avoiding the universe. Maybe if he laid there long enough he’d disappear. The bedroom door opens and his mother steps in, worried look on her face. She thinks he’s genuinely sick, he’s just a liar ignoring his problems.

“Hey hun, I’m heading out. Do you need anything?” The sympathy in her eyes makes everything worse.

“I’m ok. Feeling a bit better, actually.” He lies.

She gently pets his forehead. “Rest up, I’ll see you in the morning.”

When she’s gone he pulls on his headphones and throws on something to kill the silence. His head throbs a little and he thinks of Dean telling him his headphones would make him go deaf and Seth can’t stop the smile that spreads across his face. Neither Dean or Roman had a way of reaching him, did they worry about him?

“Does it fucking matter?!” Seth shouts, eyes shut tight.

They were probably sick of him relying on them. He couldn’t even look at Dean after he had cried all over him. The idea of Dean looking at him with a saddened disgusted face would’ve fucked Seth up all over again. He takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes. Seth’s been letting his emotions overwhelm him. It’s made him lose sight of his original goal. Finn and Dean send his mind into a tailspin, make his heart race then ache. It’s too damn much.

Seth reaches for his phone and types out a text before he loses his nerve.

**I want to see you**

It feels like an eternity before Hunter answers, anxiousness begins to creep under his skin.

**You’ve made your decision, I hope.**

**Maybe. I can’t go to our usual place though**

**That’s fine. Come to mine. I’ll send a car.**

Seth’s not sure what he expected Hunter’s place to be like, maybe something out of the movies, dimly lit and smoke filled. It isn’t that at all. It’s a gated mansion that looks like it came out of a goddamn designer home magazine. The driver drops Seth off at the front steps, leaving him basically stranded. He takes a quick breath and bounces lightly on the spot trying his best to shake off the last of his nerves. It doesn’t really help but he makes it up the stairs, ready to knock when Hunter answers.

“There you are, it’s been awhile.” Hunter says looking him over.

“I don’t normally reach out to clients.” Seth responds, his voice softer than he’d like.

“Good news for me then.” The older man grins.

“Maybe.”

Hunter laughs and leads him inside to the main room. There’s no one around, instantly he feels a pang of dread he’s made a terrible decision. He’s about to speak when off in the distance a door opens, a young man walks down the hallway completely naked. Long golden blond hair, lean frame, and pretty damn hot by all accounts. He glares at Seth angry little pout on his face then he turns to Hunter. They share a whispered conversation, Hunter slipping something into the young man’s hand. The blond walks away but not before staring daggers at Seth.

“Don’t mind him, Tyler has a flair for the dramatic.” Hunter explains.

Seth’s about to ask what he had handed Tyler when Hunter cuts in.

“It was a bit short notice to find you a client for your first go here. Of course, that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun.”

Sex with Hunter isn’t anything new and yet nervousness begins to set in. This is what Dean was warning him about and now Seth is stranded here with no real means of escape. He shoves the thought away as hard as he can, he’ll prove that he can handle anything Hunter throws at him. So he leans up close and lets a moan drift past his lips as Hunter gropes his ass before leading them upstairs.

Admittedly, proving himself didn’t necessarily mean a cockring but Hunter smirks, telling him it was like an initiation into the house.

“Initiation?” Seth says putting on a playful tone. “I haven’t said if I was gonna work for you or not.”

“By the end of the night you will.”

While at first the cockring doesn’t seem like a big deal the tightness around his cock and balls making him ache in the best way. Hunter is uncharacteristically taking his time, almost teasing him rocking in a steady motion. He presses forward pushing Seth’s knees into his chest, intently watching Seth’s face as he rolls his hips into him. Seth’s nails dig into Hunter’s back, it earns him a hard buck from the older man that makes the air rip from his lungs. It’s worth it.

Hunter’s rhythm speeds up and the ring that was only teasing him before is now turning against him. Every pump into him pushes Seth further and further to the edge but he’s being held back just enough to drive him insane. He glances up at Hunter, there’s an intensity in his eyes like he could do this all night and maybe he will. Another hard thrust makes Seth scream the other’s name and now he knows he’s lost. The room pulsates around him, skin burning desperately needing release. 

“Take it off!” He yells in between gasps.

Hunter slows back down to a soft rock just enough to keep Seth moaning, a predatory grin on his face. “Look at you. Everyone’s going to want you, don’t know if I have it in me to share.”

Seth wants to punch him, tell Hunter to go fuck himself but the ability to form anything coherent is lost on him. He needs to cum and he’ll do anything for it. Slipping his hands down Seth tries to pull the cockring off himself when Hunter grabs him by the wrists and pins them above his head.

“If you work for me you need to learn a little patience.”

He groans, twisting in Hunter’s grip. This isn’t a lesson in patience, it’s torture.

“Let go!”

“Ask nicely.” Hunter says, punctuating his words a deep thrust.  
Seth gasps, eyes watering, it’s wretched and amazing. Hunter wants him to beg and it hurts, this wasn’t part of the plan he envisioned. Handling things didn’t mean being humiliated but that was Seth’s luck. 

“Pl- please…”

Hunter’s grip on Seth’s wrists loosen sliding down his chest to his lap and with a swift but tender motion he pulls off the ring. It’s like cool air filling his lungs Seth’s back arching as Hunter’s finger trail up his cock. With a few more deep quick pumps into him Seth cum so hard his vision goes white, the most ungodly noises escaping his throat.

Seth’s fairly certain he passes out after that, or at least he’s so out of it he doesn’t pay any mind to his surroundings. Either way a few hours he finds Tyler sitting beside him, Hunter nowhere in sight. He groans, feeling wrung out and heavy, Tyler just smiles at him.

“What… Why are you here?” Seth asks, throat feeling raw.

“Hunter asked me to keep an eye on you.” Tyler grabs a glass from the nightstand and holds it out to him. “Here. You sound worse than you look.”

“What is it?”

“Juice.” He says and Seth raises an eyebrow. Tyler just rolls his eyes. “Don’t be fucking stupid.”

It doesn’t taste like poison so Seth downs the whole glass and slowly shuffles to the connecting bathroom. He leans against the sink trying to collect his thoughts. Was he supposed to do this every night? He had wanted something emotionless and Hunter was that, a good hard fuck. Seth was nothing more than a warm body, exactly as planned. Trouble is the plan didn’t feel all that great.

Mind blowing orgasm aside Seth feels more empty than he has in weeks. Dean and Finn make his heart race, being around either of them leaves him the best kind of off balance. It’s confusing as fuck, really, but in that moment he misses it. Where does that leave him now though? Naked, swaying on his feet, his reflection starting to blur. 

“Wait…” He mumbles feeling unsteady.

Tyler enter the bathroom a moment later wrapping an arm around Seth’s waist. “Back to bed.”

“What’d you give me?” Fear evident in his voice.

“Juice.” Tyler replies. “I mean, I added a little something to help you relax. You needed it. Looked like a little lost doe last night. Was adorable. Well, as adorable as you can be anyway.”

“I need to go.” He manages to say but Tyler continues to guide him to the bed.

“Case in point. Relax. It’s a pretty sweet gig here if you know how to roll with it.”

“I don’t want to…” 

Tyler shakes his head. “You’ll feel better in a minute or two, trust me.” 

Little by little Seth’s panic fades away replaced with a comforting fog. He still wants to leave but he’s in no hurry, maybe he’ll take a nap or sneak down to the pool Seth swore he saw when he came in. Nobody would probably care if he swam naked, hell, Tyler’s still naked. 

“Do you even own clothes?” Seth asks and Tyler laughs.

“There’s who I wanted to see!” He smiles. “Feel better?”

“I wanna go swimming.”

“Hmm, can you swim? Don’t need you drowning on my watch.”

Seth shrugs. “I’m fine with drowning.”

“Of course you’re one of the suicidal ones.” Tyler lets out an exasperated sigh. “I’m not interested in. fishing you out of the pool, ok? Have you ever dealt with a dead body? It’s annoying. So yea, no pool for you.”

Seth whines. “Throw me in the shallow end then.”

Tyler purses his lips. “Fine, but if you wander I’m taking you back up here and locking you in.”

“Why would the door have locks on the wrong side?” He wonders aloud.

“Don’t worry your pretty little head, let's go.”

The next few hours pass in a blur. Seth can hear himself laughing, basking in the warmth of the sun. Tyler makes more drinks that he happily accepts, it cools him off and every worry he’s been tearing himself apart with floats away. Maybe he could get used to this. Tyler leads him off to another room his hands finding themselves on Seth’s waist, he smiles at the touch.

“Where are we going?” He whispers.

Tyler smiles back at him. “Do you like toys?”

When Seth comes to he’s back in Hunter’s room, his clothes in a pile next to him. He tugs them on and stumbles to his feet trying to make his way to the door. A chair creaks and off in the corner Hunter is there phone in hand but eyes focused on Seth.

“I wanna leave.” Seth says forcing his aching body to stand straight.

“I don’t think you’re in the best shape to be going anywhere.”

“Don’t care, I’m going.” Seth glares fiercely. 

“At least let me give you something to take the edge off. I know that-”

“No!” Seth despises the panic in his tone.

“I apologize about Tyler, if it were up to me he would’ve given you a lot less.”

“I didn’t want any!” Anger rising in his voice.

Hunter gazes at him a moment like he’s trying to decide what do with Seth. All the younger man wants to do is scream and kick the shit out of Hunter and then himself. How could he be so stupid?

“A car will be waiting out front.” Hunter says, returning his attention to his phone.

Seth holds himself together during the ride back but the second he steps out front of the alley he begins to shake ever so lightly. It doesn’t matter how much he made he’s worse off than he was before. His phone feels like a lead weight in his pocket, his mother is probably worried sick and that’s all on Seth. This was his decision. His desperate attempt at handling things and failing miserably.

“No headphones, trying for a new look?” A man says approaching him.

Seth blinks up looking at the man, he’s seen a few times but tonight he wants nothing to do with anyone.

“Not tonight, sorry.”

“You’re out here aren’t you?” The man gives him an irritated stare.

“Done for the night.” Seth tries to walk past the guy when he shoved back against the brick wall.

“No, see, I want this now and I don’t give a shit if I have to fun you behind that dumpster.” He pulls out a wad of cash and shoves it into Seth’s mouth. “So, let’s have fun.”

The screaming in Seth’s head comes to a stop, everything from last night to now is raging through his veins. Maybe he’s still doped up, it’s unclear, but he punches the man on the jaw hard enough to make him fall on his ass. Seth spits out the money and kicks him in the stomach before running off. The hotel is a safer choice even if every fibre of his being wants to be elsewhere. He quickly ducks off to the side as he enters taking shelter in the men’s restroom, desperately hoping Roman hadn’t seen him.

He’s not that lucky.

“Seth?” Roman calls out a minute later.

He groans miserably and thinks about bashing his head onto the toilet rim. Roman’s footsteps echo all the way down to the last stall Seth is taking refuge in and taps on the door.

“You ok?” Roman asks.

“Not really.” He unlocks the stall.

The door swings open, Roman looks genuinely concerned, it makes Seth want to run again.

“What’s wrong?”

“I didn’t know anywhere else to go.” His voice cracks. “I- I didn’t want him to follow me home. She doesn’t know what I do- I can’t. Fuck…”

A second later he’s vomiting his guts out, Roman holding his hair and keeping a steady hand on Seth’s back.

“Please don’t let Dean see me like this. Don’t tell him I’m here.”

Roman nods. “I’ll take you to a different room, c’mon.”

Roman brings him up to the top floor saying something like maybe the view will cheer him up. Seth feels a small smile pass over his face and to his own surprise he hugs Roman. It’s all he can do to show gratitude, his voice and mind are completely shot.

“...Sorry.” Seth he whispers hoarsely. 

“It’s alright, just glad you’re here. We’ve been worried about you.”

“Didn’t ask you to.”

“Didn’t have to. The second I saw you, I dunno, just knew. Told Dean about you made sure he kept an eye out. Should’ve seen him the past few days.”

“You told him to look out for me?” He croaks out.

Roman nods and Seth’s face begins to warm up. 

“I’ll bring you something in a bit. Rest, ok? You’re safe now.”

The words hit him like a fucking truck. He manages to keep it together long enough for Roman to leave before he collapses on the bed and lets the tears flow. Roman had said that so casually, like it was just a basic fact. Seth didn’t deserve it. He’s the one who’s actively ruining his own life. In the middle of Seth self loathing tirade his phone vibrates and his heart sinks.

**Where are you?**

He scrolls through the text backlog at each confused and concerned message his mom had sent.

**Sorry, went back to work and just got really busy. I’ll see you in the morning, promise.**

**Seth, what’s really going on?**

He takes a deep breath, stares up at the ceiling then back to his phone.

**Just work, I swear.**

She doesn’t respond and he drops the phone on the carpeted floor below. He doesn’t know what he’s going to tell her, Seth can barely explain his own thoughts to himself. Going to Hunter’s was an attempt to tame the feelings he was having for Finn and Dean, he wanted to focus on the job. It had all backfired his mother was upset and he felts completely used up.

He falls into a restless sleep waking hours later in the predawn hours, the room dark leaving him uneasy. Seth thinks of Hunter and wonders how long he had been sitting there watching him the other night then quickly scrambles to turn on a lamp. No one’s there just seth feeling foolish at his momentary panic. He pushes himself up and walks over to the desk where Roman left him a tray of food, there’s a tiny vase with a yellow daisy in it that Seth can’t help but smile at it’s so damn cheesy. 

He nibbles at the sandwich left for him, his stomach grateful for the first bit of nourishment he’s had in nearly two days. Seth’s laugh fills the silent room, he’s doing a stellar job of handling things. Another prime example are the mixed feelings he gets when he glances down at the glass of orange juice on the tray. He fully well knows Roman wouldn’t do anything like Tyler did and yet… he can’t stand to look at it. Instead he pours it down the bathroom sink and drinks straight from the faucet, glass forgotten.

Truly, Seth could fall back asleep for days and days but he needs to get home. His mom is worried, possibly even suspecting something, he needs to put up a good front. Keep her calm. Yea, he’s a fucking wreck but that was probably always set to be his fate. The taste of happiness he gets with Dean and Finn will most likely just be that, a taste.

There’s a little part of Seth that wants to fight that, demand more. It’s that little spark that makes him hit the button for the third floor on the elevator. Carries him down the hallway to the last room and knocks on the door. The second the door unlocks it knows its job is done and vanishes with a cackle, leaving Seth like a lost puppy on Dean’s doorstep.

“Hey.” It’s all Seth can manage to say when he seen the other man.

“Hey.” Dean replies in a surprised slightly stuttered tone.

“I… I missed you.” It’s not the words he was planning but they’re no less true.

“Where’ve you been?”

“Tried to pretend like I could be the prize everyone wants, not feel anything. Turns out I feel too much.” He swallows down hard, trying to keep his composure.

Dean’s gaze is soft, like all he wants to do is hold him and Seth would love nothing more.

“Come in.” Dean says but Seth shakes his head.

“I want to, really, but- she’s starting to suspect something.”

“She?”

Seth never wanted to get personal but after the past few weeks he knew it was unavoidable.

“My mom.” He says.

“Knew it.”

“What?”

“You just have that look.” Dean explains. “Stressed over everything except yourself.”

“I’m pretty basic.” He contends.

“Nah, you’re a goddamn mess.” Dean grins.

Seth bursts into laughter. He’s not wrong but maybe Dean can help. At least that’s what Seth tells himself as he takes a small step forward and kisses Dean. It’s more like a peck that the other doesn’t have a chance to react to. Seth can deal with the rejection later, right now he’ll just savor the taste. But Dean grabs his wrist when he turns away.

“That’s not fair.” Dean drops his hand and gives Seth a proper kiss.

Slow, sweet, it makes Seth want to melt into him. For a second he thinks he’s high again and giggles into the kiss. He wants to stay so bad it hurts but they break apart and Seth forces himself to take a step back.

“Missed you too.”

Seth feels weightless as he walks down the hall back to the elevator. He knows the glow will fade and reality will slowly set back in but right now this is enough to push back the tiredness and self loathing. The warmth of Dean’s lips stays on his mind the whole way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one got a bit long but I hope you all enjoyed it. Again, thank you all so so much for all the comments last chapter! You guys are awesome <3


	7. Chapter 7

“Tell me the truth.”

Seth sits across from his mother at their rickety kitchen table. He should go buy her a new one, he notes while trying to avoid her eyes. He’s always been awful at lying to her.

“I’m ok, just pushed myself a little too hard.” Seth says. It’s vague enough not to feel like a total lie.

“You look like you haven’t slept in days, hun. Tell me what’s going on and I’ll do whatever I can to help.”

That hurts the most. She wants to help him when everything Seth’s been doing was his god awful attempt at helping her. He’s made money but it’s been tricky filtering it in in a logical way, he can’t just throw her a random five hundred dollars and not expect questions. He runs a hand through his hair trying to think of something he could say to her. Anything.

An idea sparks. “It’s… embarrassing.” 

She raises an eyebrow “Embarrassing?”

“Yea, it’s private.” Seth tries but his mother only narrows her eyes slightly. “Mom, please…”

“No, what’s going on?”

Seth has no clue if this will work but anything’s better than telling her about the past few nights. The thought doesn’t feel wrong either, it’s been driving him crazy anyway.

“I, um, can we just drop this for now?” He says playing up his nervousness but she just shakes her head. 

“Seth, tell me.”

“Ok…” He takes a breath and lets it out in a rush. “I got a boyfriend, got distracted, was gonna tell you but it’s new and I dunno yet, I guess.”

She stares a moment, mouth ajar in surprise “Oh… Honey, that’s great news!”

A wave of relief passes through him. It worked.

“Yea, he’s nice.” Seth thinks of Dean kissing him of Finn holding him.

“So when am I going to meet him?”

“Mom, it’s too early for that.”

“Never too early.” She beams. “I’m so happy for you, hun.”

He’s glad that the mood has shifted and his mom is so excited for him but there’s still a big problem. Seth doesn’t technically have a boyfriend and even though it would be fairly easy to acquire one the choice is what’s killing him. The kindness and care they both give to him feels so foreign it’s overwhelming. He’s never been in a relationship that wasn’t just sex. Where an I love you actually meant I want to fuck you.

“Seth? Have you been listening?” His mother asks and he rubs his eyes.

“Sorry,” he rolls his shoulders and stretches his neck, “really tired.”

She gets up and plants a kiss in his hair. “Go to bed. But next time don’t keep it a secret, you scared me half to death.”

He sleeps off and on all day, some dreams are pleasant, others not so much. He wakes up swearing that he can feel Hunter’s weight on top of him, his breath on Seth’s neck. What makes Seth hate himself is that he’s half hard and craving a bit of attention. He ran from Hunter’s place and yet Seth’s body is turning against him, whispering all the things he could’ve had if he stayed. Maybe that’s why Hunter let him leave so easily, he could see what kind of person Seth was and knew he’d be back. The noise telling him what Finn and Dean were offering was just a fantasy. Hunter knew his worth and was willing to keep Seth for himself, it might not be so bad once he got used to it.

“Fuck.” He groans covering his face with a pillow.

He tries his best to shove away the intrusive thoughts, telling himself that even if being with Dean or Finn was make believe it was worth trying. If it all went to hell then he could go back to Hunter’s. What worried Seth was how certain he felt that everything would indeed fall apart. How could it not? 

That night Seth spends a bit of time with his mom before she heads out, wanting to put on a good appearance but partially just for a moment of normalcy. After she’s gone he gets dressed for the night, he isn’t heading for the alley though but the coffee shop hoping to find Roman there. He needs to talk to someone and as impossible as it seems to actually say the words he musters up the courage to settle in booth sitting across from the other.

“Hey.” Seth says. 

“Hey, feeling better?”

“Yea, thanks. It really, uh-”

“Don’t worry about it. Not a big deal.” Roman says but Seth shakes his head.

“It is to me. You guys never had to be nice to me but you were.”

“Sounds like you might be changing jobs.”

“Maybe, I dunno.” He shrugs. “Kinda wanted to talk to you but it involves Dean.” 

Roman takes a sip of his coffee. “If you want I’ll keep this between us.”

Seth nods. “I… Ok, I think-” he sighs, “I’m bad at this.”

“You have feelings for Dean.” Roman says making Seth’s mouth fall open.

“Uh- yea, actually, but there’s a problem. I think I might like someone else too but I’m not sure and I don’t even know what liking someone means I’ve never… It’s never happened before.”

“You’ve never liked anyone before?” Roman looks confused like it’s something unbelievable.

“Everything’s always been sex and I like sex so it’s easy. It’s not like I didn’t know romance existed, just kinda accepted it wasn’t going to happen for me.”

Roman’s gaze turns sympathetic, his stomach twists in a knot, eyes downcast.

“Stop that.” Seth says.

“What?”

“Looking at me like that. Everything was fine until Dean and Finn.”

“Doubt it.”

Now it’s Seth’s turn to stare. “What?”

“From night one you looked… sad. Everything about you, your posture, your eyes, the headphones. You were hiding.”

“Got all that from one look?”

Roman gives a nod. “Reminded me of when I met Dean but that’s his story to tell. So, back to you and your love triangle. Who’s Finn?”

“It’s not a love triangle.” Seth feels himself begin to blush. “Finn is a client, but he’s different and I know how that sounds but he is. It feels… It’s nice being around him. It’s all fucking confusing and I dunno what to do. Help?”

“That’s the thing,” Roman says with a bit of a sigh, “I don’t think I can with that. I can’t choose for you.”

Seth’s heart sinks, he knows Roman’s right but he wishes there was some clear way to go. 

“I know,” he sighs, “but it’s messing me up. I ran off just to get away from it.”

“Is that where you were?”

“Yea, another client wanted to be my pimp, basically. He paid really well so I went cause I thought it’d be easier than dealing with Dean or Finn. Made sense at the time, still kinda does.”

Roman’s looking at him with those worried eyes again. “You’re that scared of a relationship?”

“It’s not like either of them would end well anyway.” He explains.

“How do you know it’s gonna end badly?”

Seth frowns. “I don’t.” 

“So why not give it a go? You can’t keep running it’s the same as you hiding again, what would it help?”

“It wouldn’t, I guess.” He says quietly, hesitance in his voice. 

“Tell you this though, you think about running off like you did this week come see me and I’ll lock you in a broom closet till you come to your senses.” Roman grins and Seth finds himself laughing.

Awhile later he and Roman head back to the hotel and with a little nudge Roman sends him in the direction of the elevator.

“Won’t he be asleep?” Seth asks pressing the up button.

“Go check.”

The next time Seth sees Roman he’s going to thank him then punch him as Dean answers his door wearing only boxers.

“Sorry, should’ve know you were-”

“You staying this time?” Dean interrupts. 

“If you want me to.” He answers, insecurity seeping into his voice.

Dean opens the door the rest of the way and heads back to the bed. Seth smiles watching the other man flop down onto the mattress in a heap, he follows along closing the door behind him. The bed’s as comfy as he remembers and Dean laying beside him is a nice touch too. For a little while they lay there in silence, Dean’s hand brushing against his.

“I think I like you.” Seth says just above a whisper.

“You think?”

“I’ve never liked anyone before, it’s confusing.”

Dean turns onto his side now, facing Seth. Curiosity reading on his face. “Never? Not even some thirteen year old I like you but I’m awkward crush?”

“I was kind of a I’ll do anything for attention teenager.” Seth answers.

“I just wanted to be left alone back then.” Dean comments with a yawn.

“I bet you wore a leather jacket.” He grins turning onto his side as well. 

“I did.”

“And no one left you alone.”

“They didn’t.”

“Jacket.” Seth confirms.

Dean laughs sharply. “That simple? My fucking jacket?”

“I would’ve bothered you.” Seth takes the moment to give Dean a chaste little kiss, feeling Dean smile against his lips.

“Don’t think I’d mind if it was you.” Dean pulls him in closer returning Seth’s kiss taking his time and softly biting his lower lip making an involuntary shiver roll down Seth’s spine. 

He can’t he help feel a little embarrassed when Dean chuckles at him.

“Shut up.” Seth mumbles, forehead resting against the other’s.

“That was cute.” 

“Shut up.” He repeats, face getting warm.

“So, you’re scared of liking me?”

“I didn’t say I was scared.” He argues, pulling away slightly.

“You basically did.” Dean contends.

“You’re really not helping.” Seth grumbles and Dean gently squeezes his side.

“Ok, ok, what’s stopping you?”

“I dunno how to be with someone. What the hell am I supposed to do?”

Dean smiles, bright blue eyes fixed on his. “This. What we’re doing right now, that’s all you gotta do. And help me clean rooms, you vacuum though cause you’re absolute shit at making beds.”

“Dean.” He throws him a half hearted glare.

“There’s no set rules to this, Seth.” Dean says. “Just happens.”

“You might get bored.”

“So could you.” 

“Yea, but that doesn’t matter.”

“Why the fuck not?” Dean looks at him confused.

Seth sighs, closing his eyes he feels so childish, most people understand the dynamics of a relationship and here he is asking for a guideline. His opinion has never really mattered to the guys he’s been with. They shower him in compliments as they fuck him and Seth soaks it in. He was desired and that’s all that mattered. Top prize Seth Rollins.

“Not used to it.” He says quietly. 

He expects Dean to throw a little joke at him, a playful ‘you can deal with it’ but he doesn’t do that.

Dean’s face softens, he kisses Seth again slow and delicate. “Takes time. And it’s fuckin’ weird but it’s nice. I was a ghost for a long time never thought anybody’d give a shit about me.”

“You and Roman?”

“We never dated if that’s what you’re thinking. Think we both just needed a friend as cheesy as that sounds. His family just bought the place and he had no fucking clue how to exist in the city. I’d just come here to get high but apparently I’d wander off and start talking to him about bullshit. Guess I did it enough times for him to think I was ok and help me get clean. Biggest mistake cause now he’s stuck with me.”

He wants to shower Dean in kisses push away old memories that might hurt him but Dean pinches his side bringing him back to attention.

“Don’t start feeling sorry for me, alright? I’m telling you that it isn’t all hopeless. You’re already ahead of the game with me and Ro worrying about you and shit.”

“I didn’t ask either of you to.”

Dean rolls his eyes. “Yea, well, too bad.”

That’s more like it.

They lay wrapped around each other for hours, Dean drifts in and out of sleep while Seth thinks about the possibility of being with him. About being cared for. That despite his argument otherwise he is actually kind of terrified. His phone vibrates on the nightstand and carefully he pulls away from Dean to answer. It’s a text from Finn. 

**I miss you. Come to my place tomorrow.**


	8. Chapter 8

Seth was nervous. A cloud of uncertainty hovering above him as he arrives at Finn’s place. The night before with Dean had felt so good, like he could truly see himself with him. But then there was Finn working his way into Seth’s thoughts, confusing and intriguing. It wasn’t the same as being with Dean, what Finn was offering was a paid client relationship with a monogamous twist and it left him a bit unsure. Yea, Finn never wanted sex but Seth was almost always naked around him. 

Was that all that was ever going to matter about him? How well he could fuck and suck.

It was hard to keep that train of thought as Seth enters the loft with the way Finn smiles at him. It’s like he’s been waiting for Seth all day and if he had said as much there’d be no doubt in Seth’s mind. Maybe this is what it’s like to have a crush. 

“You’re not wearing a suit.” Seth says feeling a little foolish for stating the obvious but he had never seen Finn in anything else. Jeans and shirt seemed so casual but it made his muscles all the more visible and really he couldn’t complain.

“It’d be a bit too stiff for where we’re going.”

“Going?” He stares, confused.

“Had some plans for tonight, didn’t want to go alone.”

Seth hates the fear that creeps into him, the automatic hesitance and tightness in his chest. Finn isn’t Hunter, he can trust him. His anxiousness must be clearly visible as Finn takes a few easy steps over to him putting his hands on Seth’s hips.

“Not the end of the world if you say no.” Finn says.

“Where would we be going?”

Finn briefly bites his lower lip in thought. “Wanted to do something different tonight. Thought about what I was asking you and thought it wasn’t fair you only had the surface. I love having you in my bed, holding you, but there’s more and I want to show you.”

“You didn’t answer.” He says but already knows he’s willing to go, scared as he is. Finn has that effect on him. It’s Seth feeling like some trophy again but he isn’t fighting it. 

“It’s a surprise. You’ll like it, promise.” 

He can picture Dean, Roman, hell even his mother, all of them arms crossed with stern looks telling Seth he should really know better. That surprises never end well and that he’s probably going to regret his entire existence by sunrise. He looks at Finn, feels the other’s hands on his hips, the scent of his cologne, and he knows his answer. 

“Let’s go.”

Finn holds his hand the whole way as they walk past the bustle of the bars and nightlife crowds, the noise dying down street after street. The rush of air is all that’s left, a squeeze of his hand quells Seth’s nerves as they continue onto less inhabited streets. It’s all the makings of a horror movie and honestly it just makes him want to laugh, at least the confusion of his supposed love life would be over. He’s too distracted about how his corpse is going to look like in a dumpster that he nearly trips when they come to a stop.

There’s a tremor under his feet and shouting in the distance, a worn down but imposing brick building towers in front of them. Finn has a wicked little grin on his face Seth hasn’t seen before, the rumble feels familiar, his mind making connections, excitement building up as they enter. 

The sound is deafening. It’s chaotic and rushed, the air thick with a haze surrounding them, it’s everything a punk show should be. It reminded Seth of the days when he wasn’t in complete exhaustion, where he’d let the music sink into his veins and get lost in the sea of people. Most of those nights he’d end up in the back of some guys car, knees pressed into his chest. Back then it never bothered him. Seth was sixteen and everyone wanted him. Now a few months shy of his twentieth birthday Seth should be able to see how destructive that all was and yet… he misses it. 

Tonight he already has someone’s full attention, Finn’s drinking in his obvious excitement and it makes his heart race all the more. Soon enough they’re in the midst of the crowd falling apart and being thrown together again. The music roaring in their ears there’s no room for anything else. No worries about money, decisions, or who he needs to be. Seth can let go of everything, kiss Finn so damn hard he’s pretty he’s bruised his lips. This is the energy that Finn pulls from him, even if the music wasn’t there and it’s just them tangled in each other there’s an old familiar intensity that burns within. 

He’s not so sure if that’s a good thing or not.

Finn was never rough but his movements were direct, the way his hands would gently trace over Seth’s ribs. How he’d hold him so close that by morning when Seth woke up alone he’d feel empty, disconnected. Finn made and left him hungry. Dean was different, there was comfort in his arms, stability. He doesn’t have time to think about it as the crowd swallows and spits him out again, adrenaline overriding the past few weeks exhaustion. 

“I want you.” Seth says, probably too loudly, in Finn’s ear.

A moment later they’re tucked away in some corner, the music vibrating through his skin as they kiss and grind against each other. He wants more but Finn counteracts the chaos of their surroundings by taking his time, savoring each taste. Seth feels a growl escape his throat as tender bites are left along his collarbone. 

“Why’d you bring me here?” Seth asks breathlessly.

“Come here a lot. Heard what you were listening to one night, knew I had to take you. Didn’t expect this though.” The grin from earlier reemerges and they share another kiss. 

“I love it. Can we…”

“What?”

It could be a bad decision, he doesn’t really care.

“I want you to fuck me.” It’s supposed to be a demand but he sounds like he’s pleading.

Finn kisses Seth’s cheek and pulls enough away to shake his head. 

He lets out a frustrated noise. “Why not?”

“I want you alone, all to myself.”

“Then take me back to your place.” 

“Too far.”

“You’re being a tease.” He groans.

Finn takes him by the hand leading Seth passed the crowd into the depths of the building to a locked stairwell. Locked being a loose term as with a good kick the door swing opens and off they go all the way to the rooftop. Seth can still feel the vibrations of the music beneath them as he pulls Finn on top of him not caring at all about the unforgiving cement against his back. 

Finn notices of course. “I don’t want to rough you up.” 

“No different than rugburn.” He grins, lust heavy in his voice. 

It’s everything Seth was hoping for, Finn takes his time making every stroke feel purposeful. He can hear the crowd underneath him but Seth’s focus is on the man thrusting into him. Finn buries himself in deep grinding his hips in just for that extra little push. It leaves him gasping pulling Finn by the shirt to lean those last few inches for a desperate kiss, Seth holds his grip even after keeping the other man buried inside him. The cold air swirls around their overheated bodies but does nothing to stop the rhythm they’ve created.

Every thrust brings Seth closer and closer to the edge, his back arching little whines slipping past his lips. Finn just smiles at him looking at Seth like he’s everything and more. They share another kiss as he cums moaning into Finn’s mouth feeling him release soon after. Finn rocks back ever so softly pulling out of him, slowly catching his breath. Seth stares up at the night sky, heaviness working it’s way back into his limbs. The heaviness doesn’t stop there though, the adrenaline has began to fade something else taking it’s place. 

Guilt. 

Seth tries to shove it away as he zips up, pretending like he doesn’t feel the sharp pain in his lower back when he pushes himself up to stand. This is what he wanted, had asked for, there was no reason to feel like this. But he knew that was a lie, knew exactly the cause, and it tore at him. Finn’s by his side a moment later, eyeing him with a look of concern.

“You alright?”

“I, uh, I need to go.” He says quickly and even attempts to walk back into the building when Finn grabs his wrist.

“Wait, what’s wrong?”

Seth shakes his head. “I just have to go. Please.”

“Did I hurt you?” Finn asks not letting go.

“No. No, you were amazing. It’s me. I fucked up.”

He lost himself in the mix of it all. Was so damn desperate to not have to make real choices he went on autopilot, consequences be damned. Everything about Finn felt good and yet it was as though he had betrayed every ounce of trust Dean had given him. This wasn’t like Seth’s average night of sex with no feelings behind it this was different. Finn felt something for him but the connection wasn’t there, Seth felt distant. It was nostalgia, being the desired object of affection completely glossing over the feeling of emptiness that it left when it was all said and done. Maybe he could’ve had something with Finn but he had spun it into something that would just leave him hollow. 

“What? Seth-”

“Please let me go.” He says softly.

“That’s it then?” The heartbreak clear in Finn’s voice. 

"I don't... I don't want it to be I'm just- I fucked up."

"What do you mean?"

The night before with Dean was the start of something whether he'd like to admit it or not. The idea of giving yourself to someone so deeply was terrifying but as the afterglow faded he knew he already had. And it fucking sucked. This was nothing but pain, he had never wanted to hurt Finn.

"Being with you is amazing. But... I don't think I feel the same about you as you do about me."

"Doesn't mean you couldn't..."

"Finn-"

"I know I asked a lot from you last time but," he pauses thinking through his words, "there's something between us. Or I'm in denial." He exhales a sad laugh.

"You're not. This, tonight, I can't even describe it without sounding cheesy as fuck. It's hard to explain cause I don't even understand it..." His eyes burn fighting back tears. "I think I'm falling for someone and I'm terrified, honestly. And now I'm hurting you and- fuck." 

He doesn't even realize he's shaking until Finn pulls him into a hug. He doesn't deserve this kindness Finn should be shoving Seth away. But there's Finn with a reassuring hand at his back, his own pain pushed aside. Slowly he pulls himself together, wiping away the tears and trying his best not to sniffle like a child. It's all so damn overwhelming he wants to scream.

"You should be yelling at me." He mumbles into Finn's shoulder.

"Not a chance." He says softly.

It's awkward, neither of them wanting to break the hug just yet. The music feels so faint even as the floor trembles underneath them. Finn pulls away first allowing Seth the room to turn away but he can’t quite make himself. 

“I don’t wanna just leave you.”

“It’s ok.” Finn says but Seth shakes his head.

“It’s not.”

Finn’s gaze falls from Seth onto the cityscape ahead. “Is he good to you?”

“Yea, you both… I didn’t know I could feel like this. Really fucking sucks.”

“Funny thing, I didn’t either.” 

There’s no malicious in the words, it’s not a jab at Seth, it’s an acknowledgment of a shared pain. Seth takes Finn’s hand in his and leads them to the front corner of the roof, they sit side by side on the cool concrete watching the street below. People file in and out, beer bottles smash against the building to cheers, nobody sees them. 

“Why’d you pick me up in the first place?” Seth asks.

“I was lonely.” He responds. “And you looked miserable.”

He gives a light laugh. “Guess everyone could see that except me.”

“Didn't feel it?”

“Just used to it.” Seth shrugs. “Started doing this cause it’s the only thing I’m any good at.”

"If I tell you you're wrong will you listen?"

"Probably not." Seth answers truthfully.

Finn laughs shoulders knocking into Seth's, he hasn’t let go of the other’s hand yet. He’s not ready to lose Finn but he knows his heart is leading him somewhere else. It’s not fair to postpone the inevitable as tempting as it is. 

“I have to go.” Seth says.

Finn turns to look at him, shoulders sagging slightly. “I’ll miss you.”

“Might not be the end.” Seth tries to reassure him.

The kiss they share makes his chest swell and ache. There’s a part of Seth that’s angry with himself for not taking Finn’s offer. The money would’ve been great and he’d be treated well but it felt empty. Dean filled that void, the second he sees those blue eyes Seth knows he’s going to be ok. The thing is he wants Finn to be ok too, he knows that loneliness all too well. How could he just leave someone in that state?

Finn makes the choice for him, standing and helping Seth get up as they walk back into the building. They’re still holding hands while moving passed the mass of people, the music that once brought a fiery energy now offering no help. Once outside Finn’s grip loosens as they reach curb then his hand slips away completely. Seth watches him leave and wonders how all of this could happen.

It started out as just a job. He had spent so many years riding the laps of strangers just for the thrill of it, getting paid seemed like the natural progression. It never felt the same though, most men viewed him as a warm hole and nothing else. Finn had been an oddity, acting like the blowjobs Seth gave him were something special it rekindled the fire from those years again. Then there was Dean helping him get back onto his feet every morning, snarky words and worried eyes. Dean made him feel human, Seth didn’t have to be anyone around him something he didn’t know was possible.

The wild card was Hunter, he made Seth feel like he was sixteen all over again in the worst way, eager to please and ready to give everything just for an ounce acknowledgement. What he offered was the easiest to take, Seth knew what his role would be and if it had came at the start of his nights on the street that very well could’ve been his life. But things had changed, unbeknownst to Seth his heart had other plans and was setting him on a course of heartache and disaster. And despite the mess of everything swirling in his head, the pain he feels and caused, the thought of seeing Dean makes him take that next step forward. 

Seth feels drained when he reaches the hotel, leans against the front desk trying organize his thoughts. Roman asks him if he’s alright and he briefly thinks of shouting at him asking why he didn’t warn Seth that this was all going to hurt. The words don’t come but Roman puts a hand on his shoulder as though able to read his mind. 

“I kinda wish I could go back to hiding.” Seth whispers.

“Do you really think it’d help?”

“No.” He admits. “Maybe hurt less, though.”

“Maybe for now. Not in the long run.” And he’s right but it doesn’t help.

“I’m really tired.” His voice shakes eyes shutting closed tight.

The sound of footsteps circle around the desk and over to him, Roman gives him a little nudge making him look up. 

“Coffee’s on me, c’mon.”


	9. Chapter 9

“What’s wrong?” Are the first the words Dean says to Seth the moment he sees him.

He freezes up, eyes wide. “I, uh-”

A nervous little sad laugh escapes him, how could he tell Dean he had been testing out his romance options and that it had failed spectacularly. That all he discovered with Finn was heartache and Seth’s desperate need for attention.

“Seth?”

“I just wanna get to work.” He says, avoiding the other’s gaze.

Dean hesitates but lets it slide and for a few hours they silently clean rooms. Amazingly Seth manages to keep it together the whole time but he knows Dean is watching him, waiting to see if he crumbles. It’s not until they’re in Dean’s room that the weariness sets in. Just staring at the bed makes him anxious.

“Ok. Spill. What’s going on?” Dean asks sitting at the edge of the bed.

“I…” He takes a few slow steps over to the bed making himself sit down. “I like you a lot.”

“And that’s got you this worked up?” Dean sounds confused.

He sighs. “It’s- Well that’s a big part of it, yea but…” Seth feels his stomach twist up. “I thought maybe I liked someone else, which is already fucking awful, I know. But, uh, I’m really just... I’m a whore. That’s it.”

The word hurts but Seth knows it’s true. To do what he did to Finn, to feeling aroused by the idea of going back to Hunter, getting into this line of work in the first place. He’s on the bottom rung, no real feelings other than lust and the need to satiate it. How much of what he felt for Dean was real? Would it fade away after their first time? 

Dean doesn’t say anything for a moment and he considers leaving. Just walk out of the hotel and never come back. He makes a move to get up but Dean puts his hand over Seth’s.

“That’s not it. You’re so much more and I know you can’t see it but I do.” Dean’s voice is soft but his words deliberate. “So don’t leave, alright?”

All he can do is nod, Dean presses a kiss against his temple trying to reassure him but Seth still feels tense. 

“You should be mad.” Seth mumbles.

“Should I apologize for not being angry enough?” He teases.

“Stop that.” The tiniest of smiles crosses his face then he exhales. “I thought I could be with him but I think all I know how to do is fuck. Really though, it’s like the only thing that matters and then it’s gone. ...I don’t want that to happen with you.”

“Who says it’s going to?” Dean says and Seth wants to punch him. Maybe kiss him.

He allows himself to lean against Dean. “Just seems like it will.”

“Maybe it won’t.”

“Are you like purposefully being argumentative?” He grumbles.

“Probably.” Dean laughs. “And you need a nudge towards the possibility that everything might not go to shit.”

Seth isn’t sure what to say. He wants to tell Dean that it’s par for the course for him, a long standing life on the losing side.

“I dunno if I can make myself believe that.”

“What would help?”

“I have no idea.” Seth stares ahead miserably.

“You know I’m not trying to push you for sex, right? It’s not even in the ballpark right now.”

Seth looks up at him brows furrowed. “At all?”

“At some point, sure.” He says. “This is brand new it’s ok to take it slow.”

“Like the other night?” He asks and Dean nods. 

The other night where all they did was lay in bed and laugh at each other but somehow those few hours together had affected him so much Seth found himself questioning everything he knew about relationships. Could there really be a possibility of something with Dean? He wanted there to be but Seth also knew himself and his shallow way of showing affection could ruin it. Seth didn’t hold hands, he rode laps. 

“You look exhausted.” Dean says and Seth laughs.

“You’re so tactful.”

“I was about to say you should rest. Trying to figure out all this when running on empty isn’t gonna do you any favors.”

He gives a small nod in agreement and climbs up onto the bed letting himself collapse when he reaches the pillow. At least when he’s asleep he doesn’t have to think about all this. And it’s nice for awhile until the restlessness kicks in, dreams hectic pulling him in all directions, but then it stops, warmth slowly overtaking him and putting Seth at ease. For a brief moment he slips into a half awake phase and swears he sees Dean beside him, feels a hand running through his hair. A smile crosses Seth’s face as he drifts back into a dreamless sleep. 

It’s a weird thing not waking up alone. The same had happened last time when Seth had found himself in Dean’s arms, this time Dean was leaning back propped on pillows watching the tv in the corner. Seth rolls onto his side taking the opportunity to rest his head on Dean’s stomach. It was nice, maybe this was something he could used to. 

“I had boyfriends before but it was just a word, guys who treated me ok but I slept around on.” Seth begins, his thoughts freely slipping out of him in his slow waking state. “I dunno if I ever hurt any of them, they never seemed surprised so… Well, one guy did punch me, guess he didn’t realize who he was with.”

“Trying to push me away?” Dean’s fingers comb through his hair and now Seth knows it wasn’t a dream.

“No, that’s the thing. Sex is like second nature, I’m used to the come down afterward but I wasn’t last night. I kept thinking about you and how you’d never want to see me again and how much-” He breathes in letting his words exhale out of him. “I’ve never felt like this, it’s so intense and I’m so scared of fucking it up.”

“My plan when I first met you was to be there in case some jackass tried to hurt you. And that still stands but then you fucking smiled at me and I was doomed.”

“Just a smile? That’s it?” Seth idly plays with the button of Dean’s jeans.

“Yea, you’re pretty cute when you don’t have dried cum in your hair.” He says dryly and Seth groans in embarrassment.

“Please forget that forever.”

“Can’t. Engrained in my head.” Dean twirls the blond strands of Seth’s hair for emphasis.

Moments like this, something so basic makes Seth’s heart swell in ways that never happened during a good fuck. Maybe because he can actually focus, feel the warmth of Dean’s stomach against his face, the gentle hand in his hair. It’s all so intimate. 

“You’re allowed to mess up.” Dean says softly. “Things aren’t ever perfect, be boring if it was.”

“How can you be so casual about it?”

“Already been through hell and back. This here, with you, yea I worry but you’re stronger than you think. And I’m not trying to talk you up, fuck I tried doing what you do and I couldn’t.”

“Wait.” Seth turns himself to get a good look at Dean. “You did?”

“Anything for a fix. But it was too much I couldn’t handle it, I ended up attacking the second guy I was with so that whole plan floundered.”

Seth briefly thinks of the guy he punched a while back, having money shoved in his mouth like he was nothing but a warm hole. The problem was that a good part of him honestly believed that to be true.

But Seth pushes the thought back, refocusing back to Dean. “How long have you been clean?”

“A year and two months. Sometimes it still sucks but it’s been alright lately.” He smiles at Seth whose face begins to heat up.

“Don’t give me that. I didn’t do anything.”

“Too bad.”

The next few movements happen so fluidly it takes no thought, to sit up and lean into Dean, to kiss him like this was all a dream on the brink of collapsing. In that moment he wasn’t scared. The tiny glimmer of hope that they could really be together grows if only just a little. It’s enough to pull back and look Dean right in the eyes.

Seth’s voice is quiet but clear. “I wanna be with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel a lil guilty that this chapter isn't as bulky as previous ones but I think this needed to exist in it's own little space or something. I hope ya'll dig it! Again, big thank you to everyone who's been following along <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's set everything on fire!

It’s getting harder and harder to leave the hotel. Seth doesn’t fully trust himself outside of Dean’s room as if the minute he walks out he’s back to being who he was before. Remnants of the morning a few days before burrow their way into him, however. Seth had meant it when he told Dean he wanted to be with him and yea it scared the hell out of him but it also made him smile, like maybe this whole romance thing wasn’t completely impossible for him. That maybe he could genuinely care and be cared for.

Being home makes Seth realize how much he had been hiding during his day to day life. It’s hard to be there, the apartment’s just been a pit stop on the way to the alley or the hotel. He’s gone back to wearing headphones at home again. It’s too quiet otherwise, lonely, silence only fills his head with too many thoughts. Seth puts on a decent show around his mom but he always has and it’s starting to get to him. When was the last time he could actually be himself around her? Not have some secret tucked away for fear of disappointment. But how could he tell her any of it? Tell her that tonight just the sight of his phone gave him so much anxiety he had to hide it under the kitchen sink. 

Everything was easier at the hotel, not just the time he spent with Dean but even when he was around Roman. They both knew exactly who he was and yet neither of them had that predatory look he had become so used to from others. Roman was a real friend, which was insane in it’s own right, and Dean was… something more, someone special. They both encouraged Seth to be open which made no sense to him. No one ever cared what he had to say unless it was moaning out their names mid sex. 

That night he prepares his mother her lunch as she gets ready to head to work. Any little thing to keep himself busy, and it doesn’t hurt to see her smile. He takes his headphones off while they have breakfast, she asks about his new boyfriend and he gives mostly vague answers. She tells Seth to bring him by sometime and for a moment he wonders what she’d think of Dean. It’d been a long time since he had introduced anyone to his mom, mostly because nothing ever lasted long enough to warrant a meeting.

“I’ll tell him about it, ok?” He says to placate her.

When she leaves all that’s left is the faint hum of the fridge and his quiet footsteps as he turns for his room, but an angry buzz in the cabinet under the kitchen sink stops Seth in his tracks. He should keep walking, get dressed and head straight to the hotel. He doesn’t. Seth grabs the phone from the cabinet and stares at the new text, his stomach dropping. Hunter.

**We’re not done yet. Tonight. Understand?**

It takes every ounce of energy not to throw up right on the spot. Seth manages to curl upon the couch, phone still in his hand while he desperately tries to corral his thoughts. Knows the obvious answer is not respond at all but he keeps glancing at the text. He doesn’t want anything to do with Hunter, he doesn’t, but that hasn’t stopped the dreams of him from happening every other night. The ones where Seth wakes up hard as a rock and out breath. 

“Fuck… Fuck!” He yells at the empty apartment.

He types out ‘I can’t’, deletes it, then types it again staring hard at the words. Can’t doesn’t mean won’t. Is this how easy it is to pretend to forget what he said to Dean the day before? Seth deletes his response again muttering a few more curses as he does. The phone vibrates in his hands, another message from Hunter appears on screen.

**It won’t be hard to find you, Seth.**

And this time he laughs, because this is just his luck. He sits up leaning against the arm of the sofa, contemplating the other option is his head. Seth hates it, it only proves how weak he is for what feels like the millionth him. But honestly he’s desperate and doesn’t know what to do. 

Just hearing Roman’s voice on the other line makes him feel a fraction better.

“Hey, uh, I need, um, to talk to Dean and I don’t have- uh, I need to talk to him.” Seth’s words come out in a rushed jumble.

But Roman doesn’t ask questions and god is he grateful. “I’ll get him, don’t worry.”

There’s a click and the phone to Dean’s room rings… and rings. Seth spews out another string of swears realizing he’s probably getting ready for bed and doesn’t need Seth bothering him.

“Hello?” Dean answers and suddenly he’s unsure what to say.

“Hey, uh, it’s Seth, I- I think I need help.” 

He can hear Dean shifting on his bed, wishes he was there.

“What’s wrong?”

“Uh, client wants me to... but he-” Seth takes a shaky breath. “It won’t end well.”

“Do you want me to come over?” Dean says like it’s the most natural thing and admittedly a part of Seth likes the idea.

“I can’t make you do that.”

“You’re not.” He says and when Seth doesn’t answer right away he continues. “Why didn’t you come here instead of call?”

“Cause… I can’t walk by the alley, fuck even if I avoided it,” Seth sighs at himself, “he might be there and I don’t- I dunno if I can say no, ok? I’d go with him and it’d be great. And then I’d think about you and how the fuck is this thing supposed to last when I’m like this?!” He vents into the phone before a sense of shock hits him.

If it hurts Dean Seth can’t hear it in his voice as he speaks. “Because you’re on the phone with me and not out with him, that’s how. Now, what’s your address?”

Seth doesn’t get up from the couch until he hears a knock at the door and even then it takes him a second. When he sees Dean he laughs because he’s wearing a damn leather jacket, it’s exactly and even better than he imagined. It is not at all the right time to be thinking about how hot Dean looks but it’s impossible not to.

“Nice jacket.” He smirks.

“Nice pj’s.” Dean counters and Seth realizes he hasn’t changed yet, wearing some faded grey sweatshirt and flannel pajama bottoms. 

“I forgot, uh-” He begins but Dean kisses his cheek.

“It’s cute.” Dean takes off his jacket as he enters. “How you holdin’ up?”

“I’m ok.” He responds in such a flat tone he might as well be dead.

They move over to the sofa where he sits cross legged beside Dean passing over his phone so he can see Hunter’s texts.

“Does he know where you live?” Dean asks.

Seth shakes his head. “No, I wouldn’t put it past him though.”

“He a stalker or something?”

“It’s complicated, mostly my fault. He wanted me to work for him” Seth begins to tense up, ignores Dean’s eyes and looks to the floor as he continues. “I went there and spent a night- a day actually. I, uh, wasn’t paying attention and there was something in my drink. A lot of it’s a blur. But he let me leave so… yea.”

There’s a flash of rage in Dean’s eyes when Seth finally looks up and for a moment he’s about to apologize but realizes Dean’s anger isn’t towards him.

“He’s probably bluffing. I bet he’ll just send another angry text when I don’t show up.” Seth says more for Dean than himself.

“If I wasn’t here do you really think you’d go?”

He chews on his bottom lip for a while, thinking. The chaos that is being with Hunter, how it brings Seth to brink and ruins him. How he’s been shamefully craving it.

“Yes.” Seth whispers feeling sick to his stomach.

Dean doesn’t look angry when he hears the answers but pursues further. “Why?”

“Dean, really?”

“It’s important.”

“Why’s it important?” Seth begins feeling flustered.

“Cause.” Dean says like that’s an acceptable answer.

“That’s not a reason!” He argues back.

“Just tell me why.” Dean’s voice is calm, his hand on Seth’s knee.

He hesitates, mentally cringes at his own words. “...It feels good. That what you wanna hear?”

“I’m not trying to make things worse. I’ve been thinking about the things you’ve said. The shit you’re going through, it sounds familiar.”

The phone buzzes in Dean’s hand but this time it’s a photo. In it Seth’s on his back, naked, legs drawn up to his chest, glazed eyes looking up at the camera. It’s shot over the shoulder of whoever’s fucking him, some guy with dark hair he doesn’t recognize. Seth tries to think of when it happened but his memory is fuzzy on most of it. A second later Hunter sends another text.

**Looks like you had fun.**

Gently, Seth takes the phone from Dean’s hand and places it face down off to the side. His mind is screaming but he takes a breath and glances at Dean whose shoulders are tense, expression unreadable.

“So, what I said about being with you… You can leave whenever you want, I’ll understand. Won’t hurt.”

“Liar.” Dean huffs an empty laugh but then looks at Seth with real sincerity in his eyes. “All that did is make me wanna go out there and smash that guy’s face into a fucking wall. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. Not one fucking bit. Does make me wanna hug the shit outta you, though, can admit that.”

Seth thinks he might cry then immediately mentally shouts himself down from it. He can’t stop the smile on his face though, doesn’t want to. “Well then, maybe you should.”

Dean wraps his arms around Seth falling back onto the sofa bring him on top. The phone gets knocked off the couch clattering to the floor and out of reach. It’s quiet again but the usual panic doesn’t come. Dean’s arms are warm, his heartbeat thumping by Seth’s ear keeping him steady. Sadly it only lasts for a moment. The thought of what he’d do if he couldn’t get a hold of Dean floats through his mind and knowing that eventually there’d be a time where he’d be alone with no help. And with his luck it would be sooner than later. 

“What if I become dependent on you?” Seth mumbles against Dean’s chest.

“That’s what I’ve been thinking about.” He gives Seth a light squeeze noticing him tense up. “Stop jumping to conclusions. I’m gonna help as much as I can but my addiction is chemical it can only-”

“Addiction? Wait, wait.” Seth pulls back, sitting up. “You think I’m an addict? 

“It’s- It’s the way you talk about sex. It’s not just a job but something you need. Like it’s out of your control.” Dean tries to explain. “Just think about it, really think.”

Seth crosses his arms. “I- I’m fine…”

“So you called me tonight cause you’re fine?”

Seth doesn’t answer, he moves away from Dean back to his spot at the end of the couch. What is he supposed to say? Or even think? That honestly Dean’s probably right and Seth’s more fucked up than he first thought? That he’s weak and there was no way of escaping it? The phone rattles on the floor, Seth makes sure not to look at Dean when he reaches for it. 

**You’re making a mistake.**

Seth throws the phone across the room, watches it hit a wall and crack on the wood floor below.

Seth laughs bitterly at himself. “I dunno why I did that.” He exhales and finally looks over at Dean. “Am I supposed to feel this shitty?”

“Kinda comes along with it, yea.” Dean answers and he frowns.

“Does this mean we can’t kiss anymore?” He feels so goddamn childish for asking.

But Dean doesn’t treat him like that, almost looks to be thinking the question out. “Depends on how you feel about it.”

“I don’t wanna stop kissing you.” He says like it makes it set in stone or something.

It’s quiet again but it’s not like before when he was in Dean’s arms, it’s back to being suffocating. Too much. Seth doesn’t realize he’s hyperventilating until Dean’s by his side, hand on his back, soothing words fuzzy and unheard. He wants to apologize but by the time he settles down Seth feels worn out.

“You sure you wanna hang around?” Seth’s voice slowly returning to him.

“You know, I didn’t want to like you. Not in a mean way, just didn’t wanna complicate shit. Plus, the first time I saw you I thought you were a junkie.”

Seth throws him a half hearted glare. “Thanks.”

“I realized I was wrong.” Dean quickly says. “Then I dunno, just happened. Fell for you like a brick.”

“Such a way with words.” Seth teases mildly then leans against Dean who puts an arm over his shoulders.

“So anyway, I’m staying.” Their eyes meet and Seth doesn’t doubt him, wonders what he did to deserve it.

He kisses Dean on the cheek, content in seeing the other give a sort of shy smile he’s never seen before. Seth means to comment on how cute it is but yawns letting his head rest against Dean’s arm. In the blink of an eye he’s waking up to the sound of keys jamming into the front door. Somehow they had both drifted off, Seth ending up mostly on top of Dean. Seth manages to wake him up as the door begins to open. The look of surprise on his mother’s face makes when she enters makes Seth want to laugh and then apologize to Dean a hundred times over.

“And here I thought you weren’t listening.” She smiles at them both.

“Yea.” He puts on a smile and gives a little laugh. This was going to be quite a morning. “This is Dean.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Small mention of underage happenings. No real details of the act but sort of feelings that spawned from said act.

Seth’s mom loves Dean. He’s downright charming and Seth couldn’t be more grateful after the night he’s had. His mind is still swimming but he manages to keep it together with Dean by his side. It’s actually quite nice watching the two of them chat, even when his mom divulges into embarrassing childhood stories, he can’t help but laugh and play along. There’s a sense of normalcy to all of this that Seth hasn’t felt in a long time, to just be ok, interacting with others and not have expectations.

Dean helps him clean up the dishes after their morning meal, Dean steps up behind him and wraps his arms loosely around his waist in a light hug. Seth lets his shoulders relax and exhales slowly.

“You doin’ ok?” Dean asks.

“Yea… no- I dunno.” He confesses and leans his head back against Dean’s shoulder. “Can I come to the hotel with you?”

“Course, you think I’m gonna clean toilets by myself? No thanks.” He says in a joking tone that helps him relax.

Seth quickly changes and heads back out to the living room where Dean’s on the sofa holding Seth’s now cracked phone.

“He didn’t send anything else. Shouldn’t have looked, sorry.” Dean hands him the phone.

“It’s ok.” Seth pockets the phone. “Dean… uh, thank you. You didn’t have to-”

“You called me your boyfriend in front of your mom back there.” Dean cuts in, pulling Seth away from the sinking depths of his own thoughts. “Is that what you want?”

Seth blushes, feels dumb for doing so. “I- I mean, it’d be nice. But you-”

“Nope.” Dean stands up from the couch. “No take backsies. Let’s go, boyfriend.”

Dean does a good job of keeping the mood light for most of the day. They both know there are some heavier conversations ahead so an easy afternoon is a welcome treat. Thoughts drift in and out, sometimes it’s Hunter’s words, sometimes it’s Dean’s. The photo pops up in his mind and Seth feels sick, not just because it was humiliating but how easily he could see himself in that position again. Maybe Dean was right about it being an addiction but the word felt so strange. This had been Seth’s life for years and now suddenly he was supposed to change that. Become normal, whatever the hell that meant.

“How long did it take you to get clean?” Seth asks after they finish cleaning the last floor.

“It’s different for everyone, Seth. I thought I was doin’ good and then I’d fuck up. It’s not sudden, it’s baby steps.”

“I don’t know if that’s supposed to be encouraging or not…” Seth says a little hopelessly.

“Means you’ll get there.” Dean explains. “I was garbage at support groups and cussed out half a dozen therapists before I finally settled my ass down.”

“I don’t see how either of those things are gonna help me.” He sighs, leans against the hallway wall. “How is talking about getting fucked supposed to make me better?”

“It gets it out of your head for one. Which you really fuckin’ need, you live up in your head way too much.” Dean accepts the glare sent his way and continues on. “I still talk to someone every week. I think you should, too.”

Seth keeps his gaze directed at the floor, unsure what to say. It’s difficult, he knows he needs help but he doesn’t want it. The idea of who he was being picked apart was terrifying, couldn’t he just be left alone? He sinks down to the floor, knees drawing up letting his head rest on them. Dean sits beside him a moment later, the nearby warmth of another body mildly comforting.

“I know it’s not normal but…I’m used to it. I don’t know how to be anyone else.” Seth mumbles not looking up.

“Nobody’s asking you to be. It's not about changing your personality, it's gettin’ rid of the shit that's weighing you down. I'm here, alright? And if you want I'll help you find someone to talk to."

"Why can't I just talk to you?"

Dean presses a kiss to the side of Seth's head. "You can, but I'm your boyfriend now, remember? Not your therapist." 

Over the next few days Dean gets a recommendation for someone Seth could see and after staring at the number for hours and hours he gathers the courage to set up an appointment. It's a baby step, just like Dean had said and he should be ok with that but there's still an air of frustration hanging around him. He's a mess through and through. How would this help him? But he goes, Dean accompanying him along the way waiting outside when he goes in for his first session. Dr. Zayn, he tells Seth he can call him Sami, is young and has a friendly demeanor that slowly helps put Seth at ease. 

Their first session starts out with Sami patiently giving Seth basically a crash course in what sex addiction is and what it could possibly mean for Seth. He honestly hates how it all makes sense, that he fits all the fucking checkboxes. How his craving for sexual contact would override everything else. Sneaking away from home or school just for a quickie, all it took was a text and there he was on his hands and knees. It felt so good, the rush of being desired so intensely left Seth in such a blissful state how could he not try to attain it again and again?

Turning it into a job was probably inevitable the money was just an extra incentive, a way to feel a little less shitty about it. He doesn’t know how to express any of this to Sami, of course. How would he even begin to?

“Am I... Am I supposed to just blurt shit out or what?” Seth says a bit defensively. He has no reason to be but sitting there across from the other is like being under a microscope. It’s odd, usually he likes being the center of attention but this just feels like judgement.

“You could.” Sami says. “This is your space and time to do so. You came here for a reason though.”

“Cause I like to fuck too much.” He responds all too bluntly, he covers his mouth with a hand trying to stifle a laugh.

This was going to go fantastically.

Sami handles it well, however. “That’s one way to put it. You could tell me how long you’ve had this need for sex as a start.”

“I dunno,” Seth shrugs. “Gave my first blowjob at thirteen if that counts.”

“Do you see that as what spurned you on to do more sexual acts?”

“I liked the attention. Being someone’s main focus, hearing them moan for you. He-” Seth pauses thinking back. “He told a couple of his friends about it. Then I blew the three of them so they wouldn’t tell.” He exhales a quiet laugh at his past self, the fear he felt back then. “Is that what you’re looking for?”

“Were you afraid that if they told others the attention you were getting from this other boy would stop?”

Seth wishes that Dean wasn’t waiting for him outside because then he could leave now and lie about this whole thing later.

“Yea, I liked him a lot and he said liked me and was really sorry.” A bitterness rising in his voice as he speaks. “I went along with it cause I knew he was worried about being outed, I mean at thirteen that could fuck up your whole life. He ended up texting me saying he thought he loved me and then a week later had a girlfriend.” Seth laughs running a hand through his hair. He’s been a goddamn wreck since day one.

“I was dumb.” Seth says before Sami can respond.

“I could argue that everyone’s a bit dumb at thirteen.” Sami says with a sort of soft smile. “Were you able to tell him how you felt?”

“What was the point? I love you didn’t mean anything back then. Just some words to make you sound grown up, wasn’t real.”

After his first session Seth tries to put on a good face for Dean hoping that he’ll buy it though full well knowing he doesn’t. They walk aimlessly for a awhile, their conversation having one or two word answers. Seth tells him he’s alright that he just feels a little drained. Dean asks if he wants to go back to the hotel but Seth shakes his head.

“Kinda wanna be away from everything.” He quickly squeezes Dean’s hand. “Not you though, I want you to stay.”

The words sound strange as they leave his lips. Like he’s scared or maybe it’s just leftover feelings from talking to Sami. Dean responds by squeezing his hand back and letting Seth lead them into a nearby park. It’d almost be romantic sitting together on a bench, holding hands and breathing in the moment. But Seth is running on empty. 

“Kiss me.” He blinks tiredly at Dean.

It’s slow, delicate, Dean cups his face in his hands and all Seth wants is to collapse into the kiss. He feels his eyes grow wet, tries hard to fight the tears away but there’s no stopping them. Seth tries to apologize but Dean kisses him again before he can get the words out. 

“You’re gonna be ok.” Dean whispers resting his forehead against Seth’s. 

He wants to believe Dean, let the words sink in until they sound true. And possibly one day by some miracle they will be. Seth’s history tells him otherwise, that this is going to fall apart like everything else. Dean thinks he can be better but Seth knows who he is. Fuck, does it hurt.

“I don’t wanna hurt you.” He manages to say through a shaky breath. 

Dean offers a chaste but sweet kiss. “I know. Trust that I get that, alright?”

He pulls back and gives a little nod then rubs at his eyes. “I’m so fucking tired, sorry.”

Dean drapes an arm over his shoulders, the warm comforting weight helps relieve some of the tension running through him. Seth leans against him allowing his eyes to slip closed, attempt to take it all in like he’s supposed to. Maybe they were destined for failure but maybe they weren’t. Baby steps. 

“Tell me again.” Seth says, hoping this time the words will stick.

Dean, as always, is there for him. “You’re gonna be ok."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will be out and about this coming week so sadly there mostly likely won't be an update next week. Big apologies and thank you in advance for the patience!


	12. Chapter 12

Seth hasn't had sex in nearly two weeks and he's pretty sure he's dying. Ok, maybe he's being overdramatic but everything feels awful. From the minute he's awake Seth's body is screaming at him, demanding things he can't give. And it fucking sucks. So much. 

Being home is torturous, lying to his mom about being ok has never felt so terrible, flat out deceitful. The few hours Seth is there alone are even worse, he really is going to go deaf with the constant blaring of music in his ears. He's desperate for any distraction until he can make his way to the hotel. Things are a little more tolerable there. Lying on Dean's bed inhaling his scent is one of the few things he has left. 

Sami had said something in their second session about not getting rid of sex completely but practicing healthy sex. Something that wasn't only about getting pounded into a mattress. It needed to be a shared connected experience, at the time Seth had rolled his eyes at that. Can't get any more connected than a guy up his ass to the hilt, he thought. Right now though, as he lays in Dean's bed he's tries to make sense of it.

"I wanna do more than kiss." He says quietly, staring up at the ceiling. 

Dean turns his head to the side, glancing at him. "You ready for that?"

"No clue." He laughs. "I just... I need something." 

"What'd your therapist say?"

Seth groans, annoyed. "Isn't that supposed to be confidential?" 

"Yea, but I don't wanna set you back, you know?" Seth hates how genuine Dean sounds, it only makes his need seem disgusting.

"He said I should be more open or something. Be present. Stuff like that."

Dean considers it for a moment. "What would you wanna do?"

"I, uh..." There's so much he wants and yet his mind is drawing a complete blank. A realization sets in. "I don't..."

"Seth?"

"I don't usually start." He admits. "I mean, I can figure out what guys want but I kinda follow their lead." 

"Hm, maybe it's your turn then." Dean says with a hint of a smile. 

"I don't... I'm not really sure-" He bites his lip, inwardly cursing at himself. "What am I supposed to do?"

Dean gives a little snerk and Seth swats at his chest. "It's not funny!"

"I'm sorry." Dean stifles a chuckle as he tries to apologize. "Was kinda cute."

"Ass." Seth sighs. 

Half the time all he needed to do was bat his eyes at a guy and that was all the invitation they needed. Why was Dean making this so difficult? Didn't he realize Seth was struggling? It was almost strange climbing onto Dean's lap, eyeing the man lying underneath him. The heat of their bodies makes his heart spring to life but at the same time he feels like some awkward teenager, unsure of what to do next. 

"Like I haven't done this five hundred times before..." Seth huffs.

"Little did you know five hundred and one would be a challenge." Dean says and despite himself Seth begins to laugh.

He leans over kissing Dean because he's so ridiculous and wonderful. Dean makes him feel so much it's overwhelming being around him lately. He’s been in a constant state of holding back it’s hard to keep the floodgates from bursting but he tries. Their slow patient kisses turn hungrier with each passing second, Dean's hands slip onto his waist pulling a soft moan from his lips. It feels like an eternity since he's been touched. Just this is enough to make Seth grind his hips against Dean's, he wants him so badly.

Then the fear sets in, that the second he climaxes it'll all be over. That everything he feels for Dean will fade away just like it did with Finn. The last thing needed to prove exactly who Seth is, heartless and sex crazed. He pulls away a bit too quickly losing balance as he does, breathing labored. Before Dean can say anything Seth's locked himself in the bathroom, clenching his jaw tight to keep from shouting every obscenity he knows.

A light knock at the door brings Seth out of it. "-please let me in." He hears Dean say.

A few shaky steps later he unlocks the door. He honestly thinks of crawling into the tub for a split second then sighs in exasperation at himself, deciding to rest against the sink counter. Dean looks worried and Seth feels guilty, tries to apologize but Dean shakes his head. 

"It's ok, we just went too fast is all." Dean says.

"We barely did anything!" Seth snaps startling them both. "...sorry. I- I could finish you off if you want."

The feelings he had for Finn didn't fade when Seth got him off so maybe the same would apply for Dean, at least then he could make the older man happy. But now Dean's looking at him like he's a lost puppy sitting out in the rain. 

Dean takes a step over and pulls him into a hug. "It's not about me, I'm fine."

"I just..." He sighs in Dean's embrace words dying in his throat. 

A few days later he's sitting in Sami's office hoping he doesn't look as miserable as he feels. Wants to laugh because feeling so awful is what he should be talking about. Apparently he's just shit at taking the first step in anything.

"You're smiling." Sami says making him look up.

"Oh. Was thinking about how shit everything is." He wonders if he's ever going to get out of the habit of being so blunt here.

"Not necessarily something people generally smile about."

Seth rolls his eyes. "Figure you can tell I'm not happy about it. Me and-" He stops himself, looks at Sami then back at the floor. "Me and my- We tried... That healthy sex thing is bullshit."

Sami looks at him curiously. "What happened?"

"I told Dean what we were talking about and I just felt so fucking pent up, it's been like two weeks and I'm on edge all the time-" he takes a quick breath. "But then he wanted me to take the lead and I could barely do that, then I freaked out cause- It's just all a fucking mess." 

"Why do you think it was it difficult for you to initiate sex? Do you feel that tension of the past two weeks had confused you?"

"It probably didn't help." Seth shrugs. "I kinda realized that I never really make the first move. I mean, i'll flirt or nudge but I want them to pull me in. ...God, I sound so fucking needy." 

"In the beginning you said you liked attention. I think having someone pull you in is doing that.” Sami explains. “You want them to need you." 

"So I'm just desperate for a pat on the head? I could've fucking told you that."

"The reason behind that, why you go to such an extreme for attention is what we're here for. And yes, I might have to repeat what seems obvious to you but sometimes that's what's needed."

"What if there's no reason? What if I'm just like this?" He asks because that’s what it feels like, that there’s no escape from who he is.

"What you're facing is similar but different to substance addiction. From the cravings to withdrawal, though it isn't as forward as keeping the problem at bay. That's why we discussed what a healthy sex life could be. Keyword being life, this isn't something that's open and shut. Again, I'm-"

"Stop." Seth rushes to say. "Just please stop. I get it, ok?" 

It all happens quicker than Seth means it to, getting up from the couch and leaving the office, walking right past Dean without acknowledging him and exiting the building. He just needs to get away, breathe some air, scream his lungs out maybe. Dean's behind him trying to get his attention but he can't stop, needs the space. He's suffocating.

 

“Seth!” Dean grabs ahold of his hand stopping him.

He tries to pull away. “Let go!”

“Seth, just calm down for a sec.” Dean says but Seth slips his hand from the other man’s grip.

“Just leave me alone!” He shouts, takes a step back, his throat feeling tight. “I’ll be around later, ok? I- please...”

Seth does his best to ignore the hurt look Dean has on his face, he silently gives a quick apology before turning away again. He wonders if Dean will even let him back into his room later on, maybe it’s for the best if he doesn’t. Right now Seth needs a break, needs to not be so hyper focused on every single worry that pops into his mind. Talking to Sami gives him a better understanding of what lies ahead but it’s all too much. It feels pointless, like no matter how hard Seth tries he’s always going to be in constant state of frustration. 

Eventually he finds himself back at the park again only this time Seth lays out on the grass and shuts his eyes taking in the noise of the playground and city surrounding him. He listens to cars driving by, joggers on the gravel path, children off in the distance, it’s a decent distraction. In a little while Seth will pull himself up and head back to the hotel, apologize to Dean and attempt to tell him why he had panicked, maybe he'd understand. His plan falters when his phone begins to ring. Pulling out the damaged phone he stares at the name and feels his stomach twist.

Against his better judgement Seth answers. "You need to leave me alone."

"You look tired." Hunter says on the other end of the line.

Tension runs up his spine, he sits up glancing around the park. "How would you know?"

"I think you could use a nice relaxing weekend."

"Not interested." He forces out a flat tone.

“What would you prefer; me bending you over or bouncing on my lap?” Hunter’s voice oozes with lust.

Seth fights back a shiver, he should hang up. “You have plenty of other guys for that. Go bother them.”

“Yea, but you,” Hunter laughs like he’s picturing Seth spread out before him. “It’s in your eyes, Seth. You’re so eager. You want it so bad and I’m offering to give you that, so why deny yourself?”

“I… I can’t.” Seth hates how he sounds so weak, hangs up immediately and lets his phone drop onto the grass.

Seth covers his face with his hands, focusing his attention on each breath, doesn’t hear the footsteps approaching behind him. He’s so wrapped up in Hunter’s words there’s no time to react when someone grabs and drags him into a car. The last thing he sees is Hunter watching him with great intensity as Seth’s vision swirls to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wasn't actually thinking an update was going to happen this week but the words just flew out of me! So... surprise! Hope ya'll enjoyed. <3


	13. Chapter 13

Seth wakes up feeling cold, skin humming with a soft breeze passing over him. His eyelids are heavy, limbs tired as he tries to sit up. He’s naked but nothing feels sore which is only a miniscule comfort considering where Seth finds himself. Hunter’s room, lit by the orange glow of the sunset, the balcony is open but it’s no escape. Hunter stands there looking out on the poolside below. Seth can hear people down there and wonders if they know what’s happening just above them, wonders if they’d even care.

His legs feel unsteady as he stands, thinks about trying for the door but knows it’s pointless. Hunter wouldn’t be so casual if it was that easy to walk out. Seth wouldn’t be naked, vulnerable, shaking as his mind whirls into a panic. No one knows where he is. His mother probably assumes he’s with Dean, and Dean… he had yelled at him last they saw each other. Told him to leave Seth alone. 

Just perfect. 

His eyes sting and he rubs away the incoming tears. How was he supposed to get out of this? Hunter had fucking abducted him, he wasn’t going to be able to just walk away this time. Hunter wanted Seth and now he had him. Seth steps out onto the balcony, glances down at what looks like a party, people laughing and enjoying themselves.

“Glad to see you awake.” Hunter says in an even tone.

“You kidnapped me.” His voice quiet, empty.

“You didn’t give me another option.”

“How about leave me alone? Not drag me off the street and strip me fucking naked?” He glares at Hunter who only smiles.

“Like I said, we’re not done yet. I enjoy having you and deny it all you want you like it too.”

“Doesn’t mean I want it.” He argues, glancing away.

“Want and need are very different things.” Hunter takes a step closer to him. “And oh, do you need it.”

Hunter doesn’t stop until Seth backs into the wall pushing at the other but the older man is stronger. He kisses at Seth’s neck dragging his teeth against the soft flesh. Hunter pushes a knee between his legs making Seth involuntarily rut against it. It’s so easy to fall into this, it feels so good. Somehow he manages to shove Hunter back, even if it’s just a foot.

“I don’t want you or fucking need you. I wanna leave.”

And Hunter smirks as though he knows every secret in the universe. “That man I’ve seen you with lately, is he the reason for all of this?”

Seth tries to hide the dread that courses through him, Hunter’s laugh tells him he’s failed. 

“Do you think he’ll still care about you when he knows how loud I can make you scream?”

“...He’s better than you’ll ever be.” And every ounce of it is the truth, even if Dean wants nothing to do with him after this.

“We’ll see about that. Maybe I’ll let you leave but not yet. Not until we have some fun, a nice long weekend.”

“Guess I shouldn’t be surprised you’re a rapist, too.”

“This new moral high ground you have is very entertaining.” Hunter comments. “It’s as if you weren’t moaning and grinding against my leg a second ago.”

Seth feels himself slowly begin to crumble, wishes he could throw himself off the balcony if it wouldn’t end in merely broken bones. “...Just let me leave.”

Hunter grabs his chin, tilts it up to get a good look at Seth’s face. “Stop lying and admit you want this.”

“Why are you doing this?” He keeps his focus on Hunter’s lips.

“You’re mine.” He answers. “You can love that slob all you want but I’m the one who fucks you into oblivion. Let go and enjoy the ride.”

In the middle of all this torment the word ‘love’ hits him harder than anything else. Love is so strong and special, something that’ll never be in his reach. He’s weak and desperate, there’s no escape from this. In his mind he apologizes to Dean over and over again, wishing it was enough and knowing it won’t be. This is just who he is. 

“If I say yes, what happens after this weekend?”

Hunter considers him a moment. “I’ll consider letting you leave, but I expect to see you again. No more hiding.”

It’s the best he’ll get and yet Seth pushes. “I don’t want anything to do with you. I want to leave.”

Hunter sighs. “I don’t want to have to abduct you again but if it’s the only way to make you understand your place then so be it.”

“You’re insane.”

“And you’re half hard.” He says with such possessiveness that it sends a chill through Seth.

If Dean hadn’t come along would he and Hunter have been something? Would he have actually enjoyed this life? Hunter wants him, wouldn’t go through all this trouble if Seth wasn’t worth something to him. 

“If I say yes that doesn’t mean you own me. You like me being eager, right? Then don’t fucking force me.” Seth makes himself stare right into Hunter’s eyes, shocked at his own confidence.

Dean might be proud of him if it wasn’t for what he was agreeing to.

“Meaning,” he continues. “I won’t come running every time you call.”

Hunter eyes him, smirk still present. “Who knew you could be demanding, I like it.” His hand slips down to Seth’s neck, thumb tracing over his adam’s apple. “So, your answer?”

The only way out is through.

Seth reaches up gently taking Hunter’s hand from his neck and leads them back into the bedroom. Dean had said he was allowed to make mistakes, Seth is just going all out on his first. He hates how nice Hunter’s hands feel on skin, his willpower slipping away as he draws his knees closer to his chest allowing Hunter to watch him the way Seth knows he likes. Another silent apology passes his lips then a loud cry when Hunter none to gently rams into him.

“That’s for leaving.” Another hard thrust. “For hiding.” He pulls nearly all the way out before slamming into him. “And for making me wait.”

Seth is already left breathless but he keeps his gaze on Hunter. “That it? His cocks fills me up so much better than yours.”

If the plane’s going down why not set it on fire?

Because it’ll become explosive, that’s why.

Hunter’s hand grips his neck much tighter than before making it even harder to breath with each forceful pump of his hips. The pressure builds until the corners of his vision begin to fade. Suddenly he’s coughing and gasping for air, eyes watering as Hunter simply grins at him. And maybe Seth should feel scared, small, but he laughs. Genuinely laughs because his body is singing while his mind is screaming.

There’s no saving him, why is Dean even trying?

Because Dean truly cares about him. Because even after all this there’s still a real chance that Dean will take him back. Because when Hunter said the word love Seth’s chest constricted like he was going to have a heart attack. Right now with Hunter felt amazing, he’s rolling into each thrust moaning as if he’s going to lose his voice and yet there's this tiny blip in the back of his mind telling Seth that Dean’s probably worried about him. He wants to get lost in this but he can’t, Dean won’t let him.

Even with Dean trying to work his way into his head Seth feels himself being pulled to the brink. He focuses back on Hunter, thinks of this entire fucking mess of a weekend that lies ahead. Make Hunter happy, have him think Seth is his, then get the fuck out of there. 

“I’m gonna cum…” He breathes. “Choke me again.”

The words alone send Hunter into a frenzy. He squeezes a little too tight but it pushes Seth over the edge. A strangled groan tearing from his throat while he cums, Seth can’t breathe, gripping the sheets in desperation. When they break apart Hunter falls beside him, sighing contently.

“You’re going to end up with bruises.” Hunter says glancing over at him.

“Not the worst thing that’s happened.” He blinks tiredly, voice ragged.

Hunter leans over claiming his lips in a rough kiss that leaves him aching. He watches the older man move across the room to his desk and pour himself a drink as he heads out again to the balcony. Seth lets the buzz of a good fuck roll through him. Cum is seeping out of his ass and it feels fantastic, thinks of how he’d put that into words with his therapist. 

“I’m a whore. Simple as that.” He says getting up from the bed and walking over to Hunter.

The older man’s eyes travel down his body and Seth takes the glass from his hand, swallows down a nice gulp of the amber liquid, enjoys the burn that follows along after. He leans against the railing watching the others at the poolside, feels Hunter’s cum sliding down his thigh, takes another sip. Seth doesn’t hate this moment but the guilt is there, telling him how he’s ruined everything. How is he supposed to look Dean in the eyes again? He finishes off the drink and Hunter laughs.

“Pace yourself.” Hunter takes the empty glass from Seth.

“I fuck just as good drunk.” He argues, a light laugh traveling with his words because this is all so fucking ridiculous.

“I guess we’ll find out.” Hunter says. “I have to go down there, join me?”

“Like this?”

“You can clean up.”

“I want my clothes back.” Seth pushes.

“They’re not wearing clothes.” Hunter gives a little tilt of his head, referring to his workers down below.

“I’m not one of them.” Seth looks at Hunter, knows what he needs to say. “Only you should see me like this, more fun that way.”

Hunter smirks, his ego is as big as the sun. “Is it?”

“Maybe I missed you.” He replies walking back into the room. The scary part is Seth’s unsure if that’s a complete lie or not. 

It’s probably silly to be fully dressed by the pool but everyone who isn’t a worker is and right now Seth needs that ounce of power. Whatever it takes to get through this and back to Dean he’ll do. He’ll lean against Hunter and smile politely, wear the bruises around his neck like they’re a shining pearl necklace. He thinks of Dean kissing each little fingerprint, feels his heart ache and sends out another apology into the void. Down at the opposite end of the pool he spots Tyler lounging, during a lull in conversation he quietly asks Hunter if he can go chat with the blond. He notes how the older man looks pleased at him asking permission then pulls him in for another rough kiss before letting him go. 

“Well look who it is.” Tyler beams at Seth as he takes a seat in the lounge chair beside him. “Nice to see you back.”

“Didn’t really have a choice.”

“Ah, that’s right. Kidnapped and thrown into the lap of luxury, poor you.”

Seth gawks at him. “Seriously?”

“Ok, maybe that was rude.” Tyler sips at his brightly colored drink. “I’m a little envious. I’ll miss being queen bitch around here.”

“I’m not staying.” He tries to explain.

“Are you that stupid?” Tyler stares at him. “Look around you, this is the best you’re going to get. And, Hunter wants you. That’s a big deal. It’s why everyone here hates you. I don’t by the way, I think we could be great friends.”

“You drugged me.” Seth points out and Tyler waves at him dismissively. 

“That’s old news. I thought you could handle more, my mistake. And don’t you worry I got reprimanded for that. Little advice, Hunter is a mean drunk.”

“Oh. ...I’m sorry.” And he means it. “I mean, he shouldn’t have hurt you cause of me.”

Tyler simply rolls his eyes. “You’re precious.”

Seth just shakes his head, gazes at the pool for a moment while ignoring the glares sent his way. “It’s tempting. All this. Hunter… he wants me and it’d be so easy to say yes.”

“So why don’t you?”

Seth stares at the ground and Tyler groans in annoyance. 

“Oh god, you’re in love with someone aren’t you?” Tyler looks at him with an air of disgust.

He’s about to argue that he’s not in love. Yes Dean was the reason but love? Love wasn’t a possibility for him. 

“Love is a hinderance in our line of work, you should know that.” Tyler says.

“I’m not in love.” He quickly responds.

“Of course not.” Tyler says in a sarcastic tone. 

“Doesn’t matter anyway.” Seth’s shoulders sag with an exhale. “Told him to leave me alone then I ended up here. He’s not gonna want me after this.”

“But Hunter does.” Tyler comments. “And you could have everything under the sun. Worth thinking about.”

“I don’t wanna think right now.”

“I can help with that. Want a drink? No surprises, I promise.” Tyler holds up a hand as if that makes his promise extra official.

But considering what he had said about Hunter’s reaction of the last time Seth accepts the offer. “Yea, alright.”

By the time they head back up to Hunter’s room Seth is a bit on the drunk side but he’s managed to not embarrass himself. He flops onto the bed with a tired little huff, stretching out like he owns it and maybe he does considering what Tyler had told him.

“You know, two months ago if you’d asked me to stay I probably would’ve said yes.” Seth eyes Hunter, gives him a lopsided smile. “You missed your chance.”

Hunter sits at the edge of the bed, a little more relaxed with a few drinks in him as well. “What’s he got that I don’t?”

“The prettiest blue eyes you’ve ever fucking seen.” Seth giggles, rolling onto his side. “And… he cares about me. Really cares…”

For a moment Seth wants to cry, covers his face to stop himself.

“You don’t think I could?”

“Care about me?” Seth moves his hands away. “You’re an amazing fuck, best I’ve had. But he… I- I don’t wanna talk about him right now.”

“I can take care of you better than he ever could.” Hunter presses on.

“Probably, but you’d get tired after a month. Better this way.”

“Don’t think it would be that quick. I’ve gone through a lot of guys, never had one I didn’t want to share until you.”

Seth smiles wide at him. “If I didn’t dislike you so much that’d be real sweet.”

He briefly remembers Tyler saying Hunter could be a mean drunk and instantly regrets his words. To his surprise however Hunter just laughs. 

“I like you drunk.” He reaches over and undoes the button and fly of Seth’s jeans.

It doesn’t take long to end up naked again. In all honesty it feels nice, freeing. Maybe he’s had a little more to drink than he should but he’d much rather be out of it than thinking of Dean and every single fucking person he’s disappointing. It’s a lot to handle and the momentary relief is welcome. Hunter is a monster, he knows that, but he also looks at Seth like he’s some treasured possession and he kind of enjoys it.

Hunter’s mouth is on him again, nipping as he travels down. His teeth sink in at Seth’s hip bone making him gasp, back arching.

“Harder.” Seth moans. “...Leave a mark.”

It hurts and feels incredible all at once. He can finally let go and let lust overtake him. Be the only person Seth knows how to be.

He reaches down touching Hunter’s shoulder. “Hey, didn’t you say something about me bouncing on your lap? Pour me another drink and I’ll ride you so hard your hips’ll hurt.”

Hunter sits up and chuckles at him. “You’re drunk enough as is, don’t need you passing out on me.”

“Look at you attempting to care.” He murmurs, lazily propping himself on his elbows watching Hunter unzip and pull out his hardness.

“Tell me you want this.” The older man commands.

He bites his lip, looks up at Hunter. “...I want it.”

“Show me.”

Seth wakes up in the middle of the night feeling like he’s going to puke. Everything hurts as he quietly slips from the bed over to the bathroom. Each step wobblier than the last, he nearly trips over his own feet catching himself on Hunter’s desk. That’s when Seth spots his phone lying there plain as day. It seems like a trick, glances around to make sure Hunter is still fast asleep before he grabs the phone. Inside he sits down on the tile floor back pressed against the tub and stares at the phone number to Dean’s room. What would he say? Should he even call? What if Dean didn’t want to talk to him? Selfish as it is he wants to hear Dean’s voice, angry or not.

Seth doesn’t realize he’s crying until he hears Dean on the other end. “Wha-?”

“Dean?” He whispers, voice shaky.

“Seth?!” Dean sounds surprised, worried. “Where are you?”

“I… He- I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Seth, it’s ok just tell me where you are.”

“I don’t-” He sniffles. “I’m sorry I yelled at you...”

“It’s fine, really.” Dean says in a calm voice. “I need you to figure out where you are, ok? Then I’ll come get you.”

There’s no stopping the tears now, Seth covers his mouth to silence a sob.

“Hunter… We- I fucked up real bad. He’s not gonna let me leave.”

“I’ll find you.” Dean tells him. “Me and Ro, we’ll find you, ok? Are you-”

“You shouldn’t. I’m not worth it.”

“Yea you are.” Dean says and his voice is so warm it makes Seth’s heart flutter. “You’re all I can think about.”

“That sucks.” Seth responds, smiling weakly. Dean, I, um... I think I might love you.”

He takes a quick panicked breath at his own words, continues before Dean can reply.

“I have to go. He might- I’m sorry.” Seth hangs up so fast he almost drops the phone.

It’s hard to keep quiet as the tears pour out of him, his body shaking. Seth’s never used the word like that before. He always imagined that in the extremely unlikely event that if he did say ‘I love you’ to someone it would be romantic not curled up naked in a dark bathroom crying his guts out. Maybe Seth shouldn’t really be surprised, par for the course for him. 

He leaves the phone on the desk and slips back into bed at Hunter’s side who begins to stir awake. The dim light of the room is enough to highlight Seth’s tear stained face. The gentle way Hunter touches cups his cheek sends a shiver down his spine. Seth’s shuts his eyes and kisses into Hunter’s palm, imagining Dean in the older man’s place. Thinks of those beautiful blue eyes and that damn smile he’s gotten so used to, wonders if he’ll ever get to see Dean again.

He suckles on Hunter’s thumb enticing him before pulling back, needs the distraction. “I need you... Right now, show me.”


	14. Chapter 14

It takes a moment for Seth to register where he is when he wakes up, clenches his jaw to keep quiet. He can feel the weight of Hunter beside him, wants to run. And yet there’s this small part of him that wants to reach out. What he’s now beginning to finally understand is his addictive side. It’s embarrassing for this to essentially be his wake up call when he’s been doing this for years with little or no thought of consequence. Now he’s trapped in a situation that months ago he would’ve been overjoyed with and all he wants is to escape.

This place is dangerous. It’s so easy for Seth to get lost, last night was proof of that. He had told Dean that he loved him, basically, and it overwhelmed him. So what did Seth do to calm himself? Have Hunter fuck him raw. He had thought of Dean during it, tried to pretend it was Dean touching him but it was impossible. Hunter wasn’t Dean, never could be.

Hunter slips a hand around his waist, pulling him close, kisses at his shoulder. “Good morning.”

Seth manages a little hum of acknowledgement, it’s the best he can do. 

“You were great last night, tears and all. Did you call him?”

Seth instantly tenses. “How…”

“I saw you put the phone away.” He says. “What did you two talk about?”

Seth is grateful that Hunter can’t see his face as he shuts his eyes tight, thinks of lying but what’s the point? 

“Said I loved him.” Seth tries to say it casually, like it’s an everyday thing.

He expects Hunter to get angry, maybe choke him again, but he doesn’t. Hunter’s voice is firm, commanding. “You’re mine.”

Hunter’s hand slides down from his waist, fingers wrapping around his cock giving it a slow pump. Seth sucks in a breath, shoulders rolling back. This is what scared him. It’s hard to control himself, he’s tired and feels like a goddamn wreck. 

“Stop.” He breathes.

“Do you really want me to?” Hunter teeth graze his neck.

Seth hates himself for moaning because he’s being exactly how Hunter wants him to be. Eager.

“Do you think he’ll still want you after everything we’ve done?” He asks, continuing to stroke Seth.

He would, Seth thinks. Dean had sounded worried on the phone and despite that had still tried to comfort him.

“He will.” Seth says through a groan. “...he will.”

Hunter chuckles, his breath making Seth shiver. “Strange. Tell someone you love them then go fuck someone else.”

“That wasn’t- I just needed…”

“Like you need this.” He says as though it’s fact and in Seth’s mind it kind of is.

Seth doesn’t respond, tries to refocus, tells himself to pull away but never does. His stomach twists into a knot just before he cums spilling onto the sheets. Hunter brings his hand to Seth’s lips, the younger man’s cum coating his fingers. Seth doesn’t stop to think, licks the fingers clean. Draws each digit into his mouth and pulling back with a satisfying pop.

“You’re perfect like this.” Hunter whispers in his ear.

The afterglow of his orgasm fogs Seth’s mind, allows Hunter to guide him off the bed and onto his knees. Hunter sits at the edge of the bed, prideful look on his face. There’s no hesitation from Seth as Hunter grabs his hair pulling him forward just enough for his lips to graze the tip of the other man’s cock. Somewhere in the back of Seth’s mind he think this must be some kind of test, not just from Hunter but from everyone. It’s as if they’re all asking him what kind of person he is and Seth’s supposed to say that he understands and will do better now. He wishes that they could understand the feeling he gets when someone like Hunter eyes him the way he does.

Hunter looks at him like Seth is special and that’s all he really wants.

Afterward Hunter draws him a bath that Seth barely stays awake for, guilt slowly piercing through the cloud of lust.

“I was getting better…” He says softly, unsure if he’s talking to Hunter or himself.

“Better or denial?” Hunter questions and Seth lets his head loll back, exhausted.

“Fuck you.” There isn’t much heat in his words as he drifts off.

Seth wakes on the bed again, the scent of fresh sheets filling his nose. Groaning, he tries to stretch out when his feet nudge at something. Someone.

“There you are.” Tyler says in a sing song voice, smiling at him like always. “Brought you some food. You look a bit… dead.”

Seth manages to sit up, winces at the subtle throb of his head. “Feel it. Where’s Hunter?”

“Gym. Just sent him your measurements so the tailors after that, I expect.”

“...what?”

“Oh.” Tyler gives a light laugh. “He probably didn’t mention, maybe he wanted to surprise you, shit. Well, there’s a dinner party tonight and he wants to bring you along.”

Seth just stares, confused. “Wha- Why?”

Tyler looks at him like the answer’s obvious. “Because you’re his new-” he pauses. “Can’t really call you a plaything. I asked if you were working today and he glared at me like I kicked a puppy.”

“He said he didn’t wanna share.” Seth says and now it’s Tyler’s turn to look shocked.

“And you want to leave?! What is wrong with you?”

“I don’t want to be here!” His voice raising because that should be a good enough answer.

Tyler sighs at him. “Well, you’re here now and apparently quite high up on the food chain. Being a brat does you no favors.”

“I’m not being a brat.” He argues. “I just wanna fucking leave. How is that so hard to understand?”

“Because you don’t know how lucky you are and you want to throw it away for some guy that’s going to call you a whore in a month.”

“He won’t.” Seth defends, ignores Tyler rolling his eyes at him. “He’s-”

“Different?” Tyler answer and Seth glares. “I’ve been here for awhile and I’ve never seen Hunter keep someone for himself, don’t throw that away. Think about what you could have here, really think.”

“...I don’t want this.” A hint of defeat in his voice.

“You’ll learn to, sooner or later.” Tyler says standing up. “Eat. I’ll be around later to fix up your bruises for the party.”

Being left alone for hours should be a nice respite but it’s the opposite, it’s just Seth and his thoughts tearing at him. Seth wishes he could talk to Dean, needs his help or just his voice. He feels lost, too many opinions pulling him in every direction. From desperately wanting to go back to Dean to considering letting go and taking what Hunter’s offering. Then he wants to scream at himself because every option is dependent on someone holding his hand and taking care of him. That feeling of courage he had the day before now fading, how could he ever be his own person when he’s so fucking weak? 

Things aren’t much better when Hunter gets back but there’s a familiar tingle that runs through his skin. A desire to be touched. Makes him feel sick though it’s not enough to fight the craving away. Hunter’s hands are on him and he just wants to give in, finds himself wrapping his legs around the older man’s waist. Hunter doesn’t let it get that far, teasing his control of the situation. 

“So Tyler told you about tonight.” Hunter’s eyes locks on his.

“Do I have to go?” 

“Yes.”

“You should take Tyler, he’d enjoy it more.” Seth says.

“He would, but I’m taking you.” Hunter informs. “Your place is beside me.”

“Don’t I get a choice in this?” Tries to rock his hips, hoping to get a better answer.

“Judging from the position you’re in I think you’ve made your choice.”

Seth untangles his legs from Hunter, breaks eye contact. “Sex is different. Never said I was yours.”

“Maybe I should make you.” It’s not a threat. More of a push, another test.

“Wouldn’t mean anything.”

“Say something enough it starts to, look at me.” Hunter orders and for a moment Seth considers ignoring him but suddenly he remembers Tyler calling him a brat, looks dead on into Hunter’s eyes.

“It won’t mean anything.” He repeats.

“Then say it.”

It’s not fair, because if he had a real choice he wouldn’t have to.

“...I’m yours.”

“That wasn’t so hard was it?” Hunter grins and pulls away. “Time to get ready.”

Tyler comes up to the room a little while later carrying Seth’s suit for the night along with a makeup case for his bruises. Hunter eyes them from time to time as Tyler conceals the marks, that fucking smile still on his face. Seth wishes the night was already over, that he could go to sleep and pretend all of this wasn’t happening.

“There.” Tyler finishes, looking content with his work. “Can’t even tell.”

Seth’s handed a mirror that he quickly pushes away. “I, uh, I have to get dressed.”

Tyler just smiles at him, gathering his things to leave. “Have fun.”

He puts on the suit, refusing to look at the wardrobe mirror Hunter has left open. Soon enough Seth’s ready to go except for one thing, the tie.

“Shit.” He mutters to himself then sighs and looks over at Hunter. “Help me with this?”

“Why don’t you want to see yourself?” He asks as he does Seth’s tie.

He shrugs. “You’re gonna rip this off me later so what’s the point?”

Hunter laughs and with a pull at his arm brings Seth in front of the mirror. “What do you think?”

He’s surprised when he glances at his reflection. Everything’s black on black, he actually looks pretty good and Tyler did a great job at hiding his bruises. There’s just one problem.

“My eyes look hollow.” He says, not necessarily the answer Hunter is looking for but nonetheless true. 

And maybe Hunter sees it, nips at Seth’s ear. “I could always warm you up on the ride over.”

Once again Seth ignores the glares sent his way as he walks behind Hunter on the way to the car. It’s almost a relief when they drive off, if only to get away from the house, from Hunter’s room specifically. His new little home that half of Seth’s mind is telling him to accept. This is what he used to want maybe Tyler was right and Seth could learn to want all of this again. Is a real relationship with Dean even possible for him?

He never thought it was possible to tell someone he loved them even though he had padded it with extra words the sentiment was there and it scared the hell out of him. Didn’t make the words any less true, however.

Hunter pulls Seth from his thoughts, placing a hand on Seth’s knee and working his way up to his inner thigh.

“You’re gonna ruin my suit before we even get there.” Seth grumbles, resting his head back.

“It’s tempting.” Hunter smirks.

“You’ll have all night after this.” He glances over. “Loosen the leash a little and maybe I won’t hate you so much.”

It’s a throwaway comment just like so many he’s done before but this time Hunter doesn’t look amused at all.

“How tight that leash is is up to me.” Hunter growls at him, eyes fierce. "Say it.”

Seth clenches his jaw, refusing.

“Say it.” Hunter’s hand moves to cup Seth’s crotch giving it a rough squeeze.

A pained gasp springs from his throat. “I- I’m yours.”

“Again.”

“Let go.” Seth grits through his teeth.

“I want to hear you say it again.” Hunter’s voice suddenly much calmer but no less vicious.

He tells himself it doesn’t mean anything even with the self loathing that seeps in as he speaks. “I’m yours.” 

Hunter releases Seth from his grip and settles beside him again like nothing had just happened. Seth can barely remember how to breathe or think, feels himself begin to shake.

“I don’t want to be mean to you.” Hunter begins. “When I say your place is by my side I don’t only mean sex. I think there could be something more here but you need to stop fighting.”

Seth wants to scream. Wants to lunge at Hunter because he’s so tired of no one listening to him.

“I don’t want this!” He yells, feels himself begin to break. “Why can’t anyone fucking hear me!?”

“Because you’re fooling yourself.” Hunter says after a beat. “You came to me the first time on your own and if Tyler hadn’t ruined it you would’ve stayed. I brought you back so you could see that but now you want to pretend that you’re in love, don’t be such a child.”

“The fuck do you want from me? To love you instead?”

“As long as you’re mine I don’t care if you love me. I let you go and you’ll run right back to him. He doesn’t deserve you.”

It’s the opposite, Seth doesn’t deserve Dean. Maybe that’s why he’s here. All his careless years finally catching up to him showing the path Seth’s laid out for himself. To be trapped with somebody like Hunter just when he finally found someone like Dean. 

The rest of the ride is silent, Hunter’s hand stays on his thigh like a constant reminder of where he is and who he belongs to. How many times will Hunter ask him to say those two words? How many times will it take for Seth to believe them? With the way things are Seth truly doesn’t know how long he can last.

It’s almost funny how Seth attempts to put on a better face once they arrive, something like this might be the closest thing he’ll get to being like a normal person even though he’s at Hunter’s side. The party is up at the top floor of some skyscraper Seth’s seen from his little spot in the alley. Once or twice he’s wondered what the view would be like, now he knows and wonders what it’d be like to hit the pavement from so high up, has to fight back the laugh bubbling up his throat at the morbid thought. Hunter eyes him and Seth quickly apologizes, gaze falling towards the bar at the edge of the room.

“A drink would be nice.” He glances up at Hunter. “I heard you in the car, ok? But a little something would help, please?”

"This isn't the pool." Hunter says but there's a lightness in his tone.

"I know that but if I'm gonna be listening to conversations that don't concern me I'd like to have a buzz going." Seth explains. "I didn't embarrass you last night. I won't tonight."

Hunter briefly thinks it over then nods but the minor victory is cut short. An older Englishman begins greeting Hunter but his words are lost on Seth when he sees the man standing beside him. Seth manages to put on a casual front just in time as he's introduced to a man he has quite an intimate knowledge of, Finn Balor.


	15. Chapter 15

Seth is kind of amazed at himself, at his ability to play it cool when Finn is so damn close to him. They’re both stuck in this limbo within Hunter and Mr. Regal, as Seth soon learns the other man’s name, conversation. What choice does he have other than stand there trying to keep calm? He casts a careful glance at Finn, wishing he could put everything into one small look. When their eyes meet it’s brief, mere seconds, it’s nowhere near enough.

“You look bored.” Finn says catching Seth off guard.

“I, uh-” He looks at Finn who has this oddly playful little smile on his face. “I was just on my way to the bar.”

“Now that sounds like an idea.” Finn looks over to Hunter. “I’ll make sure he doesn’t get lost along the way.”

Before Hunter can even speak Mr. Regal laughs and waves a hand shushing them off. Seth stares in confusion for a split second but Hunter gives him a little nod though he’s certain he sees a glimpse of anger in the older man’s eyes.

“...What just happened?” Seth asks on their way to the bar.

“Mr. Regal enjoys getting under Helmsley’s skin, it’s fun.” Finn replies and a sense of angry helplessness hits him.

“Might be fun for you, won’t be for me.”

“I noticed.” Finn says softly sounding more like the man Seth knows. “Why are you with him?”

“He...” How does he even say it? Would it even sound believable? 

“He kidnapped me.” Seth says after he orders a drink, because what’s the point in trying to sugarcoat it?

Finn’s eyes widen momentarily but keeps his gaze ahead. “He- Helmsley’s a prick but he- Did he really?”

“If you don’t wanna believe me, fine.” He tries to keep an even tone as his last few words waver.

Even Finn isn’t listening to him.

Then Finn laughs and throws him off completely. “I’ve got this reputation around these circles of being a bit of a playboy... Not that out of character to steal someone’s date.”

Seth gives a little exhale of a laugh, a note of excitement rushing through him. Could this be real? “How do you plan on doing that?”

“Figure something out.” Finn offers him a smile, one that makes him think of all those shared nights together. “We should get back.”

The four of them end up at a table together along with a few others, everyone rambling about things Seth truly knows fuck all about. Hunter’s hand rests on his thigh again as if to show Seth a silent display of ownership. It’s jealousy, pure and simple. Maybe he should be weary knowing how Hunter can be but there’s this tiny sense of pride that brings a smile to his lips. It’s that need for attention and both men are fueling it. Absentmindedly Seth puts his hand over Hunter’s like he’s reassuring him. Is he trying to work within Finn’s plan or is he beginning to accept those two words, he doesn’t know.

He sips at his drink and tries not to look at Finn too often. It really doesn’t help that every time he does Finn smiles at him, not the kind one that Seth associates with him. It’s possessive and he knows it’s for show but it still makes Seth uneasy. This could all backfire and despite the thrill Hunter’s jealousy gives him it isn’t exactly the safest thing. What is he supposed to say to Hunter about another man eyefucking him all night?

“I don’t like him.” Hunter mutters under his breath a moment later confirming Seth’s suspicions. 

“Doesn’t matter. I’ll be in your bed tonight, regardless.” Seth whispers in response.

Hunter eyes him like he’s not expecting Seth’s answer. Leave it to Seth to fuck it all up.

“I know that look. I’ll be nothing by tomorrow.” It’s an easy lie because it genuinely is that look and maybe that’s why it makes Seth wants to squirm in his seat. It doesn’t belong on Finn.

Hunter seems satisfied with the answer and goes back to the table’s conversation. Seth stares at his nearly finished drink and wonders if what Finn was suggesting had any chance in working. If he ran Hunter knew exactly where to find him, the hotel was obvious and clearly he had been following Seth so he had to know where he lived. Where could he go that Hunter wouldn’t find him? A knot forms in Seth’s stomach trying to make its way up his throat, feels an odd sense of nausea that causes him to wince. No one notices except Finn, of course.

Champagne is poured which Seth happily sips at. Smirks at himself because apparently he’s all for adding new vices. How long would it take for him to be like Tyler, smiling at everything and high every second of the day. It honestly doesn’t sound so bad given his current situation. Then he and Dean would have something more in common Seth jokes to himself to himself but it lands flat, thinks of how worried Dean must be and the emotional shitstorm he’s probably going through because of Seth. 

All this time he’s sort of built Dean up to be this sturdy rock of a person because from early on Dean was always there, ready to drag Seth back onto his feet snarky remarks and all. Dean admitting to being a former addict had only made him seem stronger like he could never be with someone as weak willed as Seth. And until this very moment does he realize at some point Dean was just as broken as him. That Dean isn’t looking past his weaknesses he sees them dead on, wouldn’t have brought up the word addiction otherwise. He understands what kind of person Seth it and wants him anyway.

It’s overwhelming to think so heavily of Dean when Hunter and Finn are sitting so close to him. All three men having sent him into a tailspin in their own ways. Dean taking up residence in his heart making Seth feels things he never imagined he could. Hunter wrapping his way around Seth’s mind pulling forward and dissecting every raw thought Seth had of himself. And then there’s Finn, who confuses him because he can make Seth feel so damn much then leave him totally empty.

Finn was a different kind of a rush than Hunter, it wasn’t about ownership or sex necessarily. They had a connection that made no sense to Seth where they could lay in bed for hours just kissing and holding each other and it was bliss. It was so damn intimate it’d leave Seth even more of a wreck when he’d wake up alone the next morning. Maybe if Finn had stayed things would’ve been different. Maybe he would’ve said yes.

His gaze drifts away from the table skyline outside, they’re in the tallest building in the city and Seth has never felt so small. How can he feel so insignificant in his own life when he seems to matter a great deal to others? There’s nothing special about him. He’s a whore, pretty much has been since he was thirteen. Seth downs the last of his drink wishes he had another because he really doesn’t need all these thoughts tearing at him right now.

Finn leans forward catching his attention. “You know the view from the terrace is quite something. They’ll be going on and on for hours, you won’t miss a beat.” He looks to Hunter who’s doing a good job of looking calm despite probably wanting to strangle the other man. “If that’s alright with you, of course.”

It’s a challenge. Does Hunter show his jealous side or put on a good appearance? And really, that’s the whole reason Seth is there with him, he’s armcandy he knows that. Hunter’s hand moves from his thigh gripping around Seth’s wrist giving it a bone crushing squeeze. Seth doesn’t wince or yelp, his jaw tightens so hard he’s certain he’s cracked a tooth.

Hunter releases his wrist and plays it cool. “Keep an eye on him, he likes to wander.”

It’s so easy. Every steps away from the table feels strange, like it isn’t happening. For a minute he thinks Finn actually is going to take him out to the balcony but as they cross the room he feels a light touch on the back of his hand.

“Ready to leave?”

And Seth’s scared, wrist aching in warning while his heart hammers in his chest. It’s hard to breathe let alone answer. Could he really escape? Just like that? Where would he go? He could debate the answers to those questions all night but there’s only one way to find out.

“Yes.” He says, a shaky laugh following along with it. 

They move through the room getting closer to the balcony entrance when Finn takes him by the wrist quickly exiting out to the hallway elevators. The slight pain in the hold doesn’t even register as panic begins to seep in. Did Hunter see them? Seth can’t make himself look back because if he’s there it’s over, not just the night but the long foreseeable future. Because he’ll be trapped until Hunter’s done with him and after that what’s left for him?

The elevator doors open and they’re in. Hunter’s nowhere in sight and the soft drop tells him they’re going down. He loses balance for a second only now realizing he’s panting, near hyperventilating. 

Finn lets go of his wrist, holds his hand instead. Seth hears worry in his voice when he asks, “You alright?”

He is and isn’t, but trying to say that is too damn difficult. So he kisses Finn because that’s the best answer he can give. Finn’s lips are gentle against his, it doesn’t stop the fear but it helps.

“He’ll know where to find me.” Seth says as they break apart reaching the ground floor.

Finn leads them out of the building and briefly looks around before heading toward a waiting row of taxis. “We can go to my place.” 

“That’ll be one of the first places he’ll look.” Seth argues, getting into the cab.

“My other place.” Finn tells him then gives the address to the driver. 

“Other place?”

“Yea... my loft is mostly there to be impressive. Not where I like to stay.”

Through the nerves Seth manages to crack a smile. “Were you trying to impress me?”

Finn laughs, makes Seth’s heart race in a different way. “Yea, bad choice cause I think you would’ve liked this place better.”

He wonders if Hunter’s already realized something’s happened. Already calling people to watch the hotel and his apartment, probably already had since he was kidnapped.

The neighborhood they end up in isn’t the nicest and is only a few blocks away from his apartment. It’s the better side of his neighborhood with actual houses and even though they’re all attached side by side it’s still a giant step up from the hole in the wall he and his mother live in.

“Why do you live here?” Seth asks staring up at the house.

Finn shrugs. “Suited me.”

The night’s events don’t fully hit Seth until he hears the click of the lock behind him once inside.

“We… we made it.” He stares at Finn in shock. “Holy shit.”

He covers his mouth to stop a string of curses ready to fly out instead a broken little sob fights its way through. Finn pulls him into a hug, runs a hand up and down his back as Seth allows himself to cry if just for a moment. Yes, he’s out of Hunter’s grasp but the night isn’t over, there’s still things he needs to do. Kissing Finn again is not one of those things, yet… there he is, back against the wall as he grips onto Finn’s suit jacket. Wants to pull the other to the floor to really feel Finn’s body against him. So he does. Relief and excitement pumping through his veins with every kiss.

Then Finn pulls back, his eyes filled with longing. “We shouldn’t…”

“I want to.” He says, practically begs.

“Then I don’t want to, not right now.” Finn says in a gentle tone helping him up.

Seth feels embarrassed then laughs at himself, at his goddamn need. “I think… I think that might be the first time anyone’s turned me down.” 

“If it makes you feel better I didn’t want to, but you…”

“Are a fucking mess.” Seth finishes with a bittersweet look.

“I was trying to think of a nicer way to put it.”

“You don’t have to be nice with me.”

“Someone should.” Finn says and Seth’s taken aback, doesn’t know what to say.

“You…” He makes himself refocus. “Can I use your phone?”

Finn pulls his cell from his pocket and hands it over. “Bedrooms are upstairs if you want privacy. Spare on the left.”

“Thank you.” He says and kisses Finn again. Wishes he could give the proper thanks he deserves.

For the past two days he’s been purposefully avoiding thinking of his mother because Seth knows the second he does he might completely break down. Seth had been lying to her for years but he couldn’t anymore and that scared him worse than any declaration of love.

“Sorry mom, I’m a giant fuck up…” He looks at her number typed into the phone. “Not your fault. All me. All my…”

Turns out he was right about breaking down. Seth doesn’t know how long he spends curled up on the bed crying as every worst case scenario plays while his mind screams at how much a disappointment he is. Would he hear disgust in her voice? Maybe she would flat out disown him and stop speaking to him altogether. He can’t avoid it forever. He hits the call button, eyes growing wet all over again.

“Hello?” She answers and he swallows back another sob.

“Mom? Um-”

“Seth?! Seth, where are you? Where have you been? I tried calling and- Where are you?”

“I’m, uh- I’m at a friend’s house. I’m ok. Things just- I’m ok.” He hates how panicked he sounds, knows it makes everything worse.

“Seth, what’s going on?”

“...A lot.” A sad laugh escapes him, feels like a coward. He can’t tell her anything right now. It’s too damn much. “I can’t come home yet but I’m fine, really. I know- I’ll call you tomorrow ok?”

“Seth, wait-”

“Please, just trust me.” He takes a breath, knows he should apologize but doesn’t want to upset her more if that’s even possible. “Just know I’m ok and I’ll talk to you soon.”

The call ends and he lies back down staring at the ceiling, hates how quickly he had thrown that at her but any longer and he would’ve fucking lost it. How is supposed to ever tell her? Hiding everything for so many years maybe it would be better if she wanted nothing to do with him. Slowly he inhales and exhales, types in Dean’s number feels a spike of panic hit. He had basically told Dean he loved him and hung up before he could get a response. What if it all blew up in his face?

Two rings feel like an eternity when he hears the click on the other end of the line. “Hello?”

And he smiles just at the sound of Dean’s voice. “Hey.”

Dean chuckles. “You know a couple guys came by a little while ago looking for you. Ro sent ‘em away. Where are you?”

“With a friend.” He says. “An ex-client, helped me get out.”

“Where? I’ll leave now.”

“I- I think you should stay there. Hunter knows what you look like, probably told his guys. They’d follow you… or worse.”

Dean lets out a frustrated sigh. “You safe there?”

“Yea, Finn’s nice. You don’t have to worry.”

“Too bad cause I’m gonna. Part of that whole love thing, right?”

Seth tenses, bites down on his lip a bit too hard. “I’m sorry if- I mean, I-”

“Seth, shhh.” Dean interrupts in a soothing voice. “...I love you. And I can’t wait to tell you face to face so I can look you in the eyes and kiss you cause sayin’ it like this ain’t nowhere near good enough.”

Seth is getting real tired of crying all day but this isn’t so bad. It’s good. It’s fucking amazing. He tries to settle himself and only manages to make a stupid little hiccup noise that Dean laughs at on the other end.

“Sorry, I just- Wasn’t expecting it.”

“Wish I coulda seen your face.” Dean says quietly.

“Nah, you don’t.” He sniffles. “I look like a fucking wreck.”

“He hurt you? I mean, fuck- I know that-” 

“It’s ok.” Seth tells him. “We can talk about it later. Some bruises and stuff. Most should be faded by the time I see you.”

“When’s that gonna be?”

Seth shrugs to himself. “Guess when they stop hanging around the hotel. Can’t even go back to my place cause I know they’ll be there too.”

“You talk to your mom yet?”

“Kinda.” That feeling of self loathing creeping back in. “I have to start telling her the truth and I have no fucking clue how. What if she hates me?”

“She’s not gonna hate you.”

“How do you know?”

“Cause she’s worried about you, could tell that when I met her. No way she’s gonna hate you.”

“I dunno if that makes me feel any better…” Seth mumbles.

“Ok, then, if it all goes to shit you can stay in my crummy room with me. That better?” And he can picture Dean smiling the way he does and Seth can’t help a laugh.

“Much better.” Seth responds, feels his heart ache at the distance.

There’s so much he wants to say, doesn’t want to end the call just yet.

“Keep thinking if I hang up I might not get to talk to you again.” Seth says, finally loosening the tie around his neck.

“You said you’re safe right?”

“Yea.” Then he thinks of kissing Finn, how he wouldn't be surprised if he did it again. 

Dean had just told him he loved him and there’s Seth ready with a knife to plunge into his heart.

A whimper like breath passes through his lips that Dean hears, asks if he’s ok.

“Seth?”

“I kissed him.” Seth responds, he can’t lie to Dean. “I kissed Finn and I like kissing him but he’s not you, ok? There’s nobody like you. It’s me, I’m the one who’s gonna fuck this all up.”

He doesn’t hear Dean’s response, his mind swirling again. Again, he’s finding it difficult to breathe never mind trying to focus. He’s going to ruin everything.

“Seth! Hey- Seth, listen to me- I’m not mad I just need you to fuckin’ breathe a sec, alright?”

“How can you not be mad?!” He cries. “And there’s all the shit that happened at Hunter’s-”

“Seth, listen to me. I’d be a fuckin’ hypocrite if I thought you’d never slip. But you’re telling me and that’s the fuckin’ point.”

“It’s different! You’re… You’re stronger than me.”

“I could fuck up tomorrow, easy.” Dean says, reminds Seth to breathe a few times waiting for him to calm before continuing. “A little over a year ago I overdosed, wasn’t the first time it happened just the last and I’d like to think it’s gonna to stay that way but I can’t always be a hundred percent sure.”

“What happened?”

Seth can hear through the phone Dean settling in his bed. “You probably heard something like it before. Was clean for awhile then thought I could take as much as I used to. Roman found me, don’t ever wanna see that guy’s disappointed face, that shit hurts. And that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I was lying, sayin’ I was fine when I wasn’t. Being able to say you’re not ok is a big fuckin’ deal, took me forever.”

Seth moves to lean back against the headboard. “You give me more credit than I ever deserve.” 

“You don’t think you deserve anything is the problem.” Dean says and for the second time tonight Seth is lost for words. “Sorry, that was-”

“No.” Seth cuts in. “You’re not wrong. ...Just another thing to add to the pile.” He laughs tiredly.

“You should rest.” Dean says after a moment.

“I don’t wanna hang up.” Seth mumbles, completely aware of how childish he sounds.

“I know, I don’t either but I don’t want you passing out from exhaustion again, so rest.”

“Fine.” He sighs, bites his lip again. “Dean, I-... I love you.”

No thinks or mights, just straight out.

And he swears he can hear Dean smile, lets his eyes flutter closed as the other speaks. “Love you, too.”


	16. Chapter 16

Seth wakes up the next morning exhausted, he slept for hours but his dreams left him restless. It felt like he was surrounded, rough hands clawing at him. At the edge of the bed he sees a neatly folded pile of clothes and smiles. He’s safe, he’s with Finn and even though that might be a whole other mess it’s better than where he was two days ago. Not that that’s over either, Seth’s aching wrist a constant reminder.

He grabs the clothes and heads for the bathroom, avoids looking at the mirror at all costs as he starts the shower. If he could stay under the steaming hot water all day that would be perfect and it is for a little while but there’s always something that drags Seth back to reality of things. The bite mark on his hip won’t fade like the bruises around his neck. He had told Hunter to leave a mark and he did, biting hard enough that it’ll eventually leave a scar. Essentially an imprint of those damn two words left his skin.

“You’re not…” He says aloud. “You’re not his so shut the fuck up about it.”

He just wants it out, all of the confusion and painful thoughts. It’s gotten so tiring. He’s grateful for the fog on the mirror as he gets dressed, eyeing the vague form of himself as he does. Wonders what he’s supposed to do now having moved from one cage into another, albeit a far nicer one. His mind is ready to jump right into that rabbit hole when something pulls him back.

It’s faint, the sound of a hardcore punk music wafting up from downstairs. He’s stands there completely entranced, the music pushing out all other intruding thoughts the way it used to. He misses that, maybe it had been a safety blanket of sorts but it helped keep Seth steady. He follows the sound downstairs into the main room and stares in complete awe. Shelves floor to ceiling stacked with records and a stereo system set up worth drooling over.

“You’re right.” Seth says glancing over to Finn who’s resting on the couch nearby. “If you’d shown me this place I would’ve fucking married you.”

They share a laugh and it genuinely feels good which shouldn’t be surprising but it’s been so damn long. He plops down on the other side of the sofa and shuts his eyes absorbing the music.

“Your neck.” Finn says after awhile.

“Oh.” He mumbles. “Had makeup on. Doesn’t hurt.”

“And your wrist?”

Seth blinks his eyes open, only now noticing the bruises forming around his wrist. 

“A little, not too bad. Did you hear anything about us leaving last night?”

Finn smirks. “Mr. Regal sent a text about Helmsley looking very displeased.”

“Good.” He blurts out then laughs. “I mean, I’m still fucked but knowing he’s pissed off is some kinda win.”

How long that anger will last is what Seth’s worried about. It had been nearly a month from when he first visited Hunter to when he was abducted. Hunter truly believed Seth was his, a month seemed a bit conservative. Would he ever give up looking for Seth?

“Thank you.” Seth says pulling his thoughts away from Hunter. “I don’t know how to say it any better, I mean, I know one way but I don’t think that would be the best thing right now.”

Finn chuckles. “No, I don’t think it would. You don’t need to thank me though, it’s not like I wouldn’t have helped.”

“I dunno.” Seth shrugs. “I hurt you.”

“And that makes it ok to leave you with someone like Helmsley?”

“I- It would’ve hurt but I wouldn’t have blamed you.” And maybe that’s the wrong answer considering how Finn just stares at him. “Sorry…”

“Don’t be. It’s not-” Finn looks to struggle for words. “We should eat.”

But Seth doesn’t let it go. “Wait, what were you gonna say?”

He sighs. “I should’ve tried harder. I lost my chance with you and- I should’ve tried harder.”

“...I’m sorry.” He doesn’t know what else he can say because he can’t kiss Finn even if he wants to.

“You didn’t need to hear that, I know you have enough to worry about.” Finn apologizes.

“Nah, it’s good. Cause-” A sad little smile crosses his face. “Cause you fuck me up, too.”

“I won’t try anything.” Finn tells him. “I want you to know that.”

“Not really worried about you, to be honest.” He says and Finn gives a confused look. “It’s a long story.”

“Not as though we’re going anywhere.” Finn answers and they’re both laughing again.

Breakfast consists of sugary cereal and lounging on the couch again while music plays in the background, it’s oddly pleasant maybe that’s just the aura he gets around Finn. The words come slowly, piece by piece, can’t quite keep his vision set on Finn letting it fall to his bowl or the stereo across the room. Seth keeps it vague but with enough details of the last few months to get the point across. Wishes he could avoid the one word he has to say, addiction never tastes right on his tongue. It’s not that Seth disagrees, it’s that it makes him feel weak he’s not like Dean who can throw the word former in front of it, Seth’s still neck deep. 

“You can tell me to shut up whenever.” Seth says, receiving a mild exasperated look from Finn that’s tinted with a smile making him give one in return. “Had to. It’s weird talking about myself.”

Three weeks of therapy and Seth can still barely manage to say anything. When he does it’s short and straight to the point. He won’t say it out loud but he’s scared that they’ll peel everything away and find no reason. That Seth has been broken from the start. 

“Can I ask something?” Finn asks and he nods. “Would it be easier for you if I wasn’t here?”

“It’d be worse… I’m pretty shit at being alone. I can handle it for awhile just right now I dunno how long that is.”

“Well, not to be the bearer of bad news but I’ll still have to go into work tomorrow. Things I can’t get out of unfortunately. Do you think you’ll be ok?”

Seth wants to snark back that he isn’t a child and that a few hours isn’t that big a deal. Then he thinks of those few hours spent alone at Hunter’s and how anxious he had been. This was different, he tells himself. He’s safe here.

Seth nods, puts on a little smile. “I’ll be fine.”

At first it's pretty easy to be around Finn though mostly that's because Seth spends half the day napping on the couch. It feels like it's been forever since he's been able to rest and not worry about the next thing even though he should be Seth is going to pretend that in this little space in time he's ok, that he can breathe for two seconds without panicking. He drifts in and out, a chaotic rhythm swirling around him soothing any noise in Seth's head. Eventually the stack of records reaches its completion leaving the house quiet. It’s the kind of silence he hates, the kind that leaves him feeling alone. He's up and walking around the first floor then up to the second, sees Finn's door closed and feels relieved. 

And Seth should leave it at that but there he is quietly opening the door peeking in. Except the damn door frame creaks and Finn, who apparently had the same idea as Seth, turns over in his bed to face him.

"Hey." Seth mumbles awkwardly. "I woke up and wondered where you were so, uh, yea."

Real smooth. 

“Saw you sleeping, looked like a good idea.” Finn stretches out on his bed with a content grin. “It was.”

Seth bites his lip crossing the room and sits on the bed. “Can I ask you something?”

Finn gives a little a nod and he continues. “Does it hurt to be around me?”

“When I saw you last night my heart jumped to my throat and I never wanted to hit someone so badly as when you told me about Helmsley.”

Seth swears he might be blushing at that, wants to lay down beside him. “You didn’t answer my question.”

Finn eyes him a moment and Seth’s already aching at the answer. “A little, but that’s not something you need to think about.”

“Too late.” He says allowing himself to lie down a little less than arm’s length from the other. “If I had said yes everything would be different.”

“There was a reason you didn’t say yes,” Finn reminds him, “is that still true?”

“Yea.” He says softly.

“Then that’s that. I’ll be ok and I’ll be happy knowing someone’s there for you because someone should be.”

“Goddamnit.” Seth breathes out a laugh. “This is why it’s so fucking impossible to stop liking you. You just…” 

Being around Finn always leaves him in a warm haze. It’s different than what he feels around Hunter or other clients. There’s still that desire to be touched but also wants to be held because Finn spoiled him in that way. He wants too much, wants to be selfish and push everything aside.

“What’s it like?” Finn asks after a beat. “You called it a need. Is it- What do you mean?”

Seth lays there trying to think of the right words but it all makes him sound so awful.

“You don’t wanna know.” He mumbles, stray thoughts beginning to form.

“I do.”

He looks into Finn’s eyes and sees him watching Seth intently, feels a familiar rush flow through him. “I feel it right now with you looking at me. It’s- I need your complete focus cause it feels like I fucking matter for once. Then it ends and I realize I don’t. But for a little while I was everything. I made you cum harder than anybody you’ve been with and if I’m lucky you’ll come back which means you need me. And that’s fucking it. I need you to crave my attention like I crave yours.” 

Seth’s not sure which of them kisses the other first. It’s like a collision, but there’s no fiery hunger or aggression it’s natural and fluid. Finn’s got a hand in his hair keeping him close but Seth isn’t fighting it. He’ll apologize later, explain to Dean that this moment with Finn doesn’t change anything. That both of them know it as they share one delicate kiss after another.

“You’re shaking.” Finn’s lips graze against his.

“Am I?” He whispers. “...Didn’t expect to go off like that, sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Finn reassures with another gentle kiss.

Seth feels a bit breathless letting everything slip out of him like that, empty but relieved. He’s been wanting to get the words out for awhile now and there they are. Every ounce of it is the truth and has been for years. He just wants to matter and Seth knows that he doesn’t but keeps pretending that maybe this time he will. Then there’s people like Dean and Finn that throw him through a loop because Seth isn’t prepared for someone to actually give a fuck about him.

He turns onto his side facing away from Finn allowing him to pull Seth into his arms, back pressed against Finn’s chest. Let’s his eyes close and follows into the rhythm of Finn’s breathing, soaking in the feeling of being together like this. The shared acceptance of knowing that it won’t last but they could at least have this moment in time. No apologies needed. 

 

The next day isn’t as easy as he’d hoped. Finn leaves Seth his phone which he’s grateful for even if it simply staring at it makes him a little anxious. Seth tries to talk to his mother again but it’s still a fractured conversation that ends too quickly because he can’t get the words out. It makes him angry after spilling his guts out to Finn he can’t even manage the vaguest of hints. He goes through Finn’s record collection and picks out a few he can swear his lungs out with, feels mildly better even if his voice is shot afterward.

Then Finn calls, the apologetic tone of his voice making his stomach begin to twist. Hunter had come by his office.

“He asked what happened. Told him he was right about you wandering off. Might’ve said you were a great kisser.” Finn says and Seth smiles but the feeling continues to hang in the air.

“But?” Seth questions, shuts his eyes listening to Finn exhale on the other end.

“The way he was looking at me. I know he didn’t believe a word I said.”

“Did something happen?”

“No, well, yes. That’s why I’m calling. Someone was following me during lunch, he’s making it obvious like he’s trying to prove- I don’t know what.”

Seth wants to scream out another string of curses but an even worse realization hits him. “...you can’t come back today, can you?”

“I’ll try but I don’t want to put you in danger.” Listens to him sigh. “Seth, I’m-”

“No. Don’t. None of this should be fucking happening in the first place. I’ll be ok here, really. I can manage.” 

By manage Seth means drink most of the beers in Finn’s fridge and curl up on the couch, miserably. Badly wants to call Dean but worries that it will only rile the other man up enough to come see him. So he ends up calling Roman because he needs a familiar voice. He also needs someone to talk to him out of doing anything stupid as Seth starts guessing how long it would take to walk to the hotel from Finn’s. It’s not that far, maybe he could do it if he was careful, maybe.

Roman answers before Seth can further convince himself, listens to the scripted greeting the other man has to give before Seth blurts out a response. “Roman? Hey, it’s Seth, hey.”

He glances down at the floor at the empty beer bottles realizing he’s probably had a few too many. It seemed like a good idea at the time he thinks as he sips at his current drink.

“Something happen over there? You don’t sound so good.” It’s heartwarming to hear the worry in Roman’s voice even if Seth feels like an idiot in trying to explain himself.

“I’m kinda drunk and I was screaming earlier- Not bad screaming. Oh. Not sex screaming, either.” Seth clarifies, laughs at himself because only he would have to explain that his voice isn’t rough from being fucked all day.

Not that that’s a bad idea. 

Seth groans. “Yea, I’m drunk. I just wanted to talk to someone…”

“Want me to put you through to Dean?”

“No! No, he- I can’t. Cause I’ll tell him I’m alone and then he’ll wanna come here and if something happens…”

“Ok, ok.” Roman responds calmly. “You really shouldn’t be drinking.”

“I’m almost twenty.” Seth counters. “In like… two weeks. And it’s not like this is the worst shit I’ve done.”

He hears Roman hum on the other end. “What did you want to talk about?”

“No clue, wanted to hear someone’s voice. Always wanted to say a million things to you at the coffee shop, just couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Nobody usually gives a fuck what I gotta say unless I’m moaning for them. And then you- You’re like- I guess a friend and what the fuck am I supposed to do?”

“Not used to people listening?”

Seth takes a sip of his beer, grins at the question. “Never. I mean, Dean and Finn do and it’s so fucking weird. And you. Where the fuck were you guys years ago?” He laughs a touch bitterly. “Tried real hard at Hunter’s to make them listen. Stand up for myself or something, and guess what? It didn’t fucking work.”

“You tried though, that’s-” Roman offers but he scoffs.

“You sound like Dean. Patting me on the back for doing the tiniest thing like I’m a fucking child.” His voice breaks. This was the opposite of what he wanted.

He downs the rest of the bottle.

“So a guy holds you against your will and you want me to tell you how that’s your fault, is that it?”

“Well fuck, ...don’t have to be such a dick about it.” He grumbles moving off the couch for the kitchen.

“Why are you alone, anyway?”

“Hunter started following Finn.” He says grabbing the last beer from the fridge. “So I’m stuck here alone trying not to panic. Guess I got no room complaining about being treated like a kid.”

The pop of the cap grabs Roman’s attention. “You should stop drinking.”

“You’re probably right but I already opened it, so…”

The conversation goes quiet for a bit, Seth deciding the floor is far more comfortable than the sofa.

“Bet you we could meet at the coffee shop. He can’t know that place.”

“Don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

“Does anybody follow you there?” He asks.

“Nah, I’m just the front desk. Never greeted you like a friend when you came in thought that would be better.”

“Wait.” His eyes go wide, ideas popping into his mind. “Nobody’s following you? You can come here! Wait- Roman, you could bring me to the hotel. Right? I think so… right?” Seth really regrets drinking this much.

“How would I do that if there’s someone here?”

“I dunno! But I’d be with you and you look mean as fuck!” Seth says excitedly while Roman laughs on the other end.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment, still, not so sure it’ll work.”

“I can’t stay here…” He says softly. “I know it’s safe, I know. But I’m alone and I-” Seth pauses, watches the needle of the record player rise and go back into its place.

The stack is done playing leaving the room in silence. Seth wishes he could pass out. Go quiet like the stereo, Roman never asked to be bothered like this.

“Alright. Where are you?” Roman asks.


	17. Chapter 17

Seth sits on the floor in the front hallway, knees drawn up and waiting. Worry creeps around the edges of his mind but thankfully he’s drunk enough that it doesn’t get much further. Roman would get there soon and everything would be ok. At least that’s what Seth keeps telling himself. Laughs at the thought because he’s been telling himself that for years and never once has it been true.

He groans and knocks his head back against the wall. “Shut up. You can cry about that shit later.”

The doorbell rings and Seth scrambles to his feet to answer. Feels a little dizzy as he pulls the door open once again wishing he hadn't drank so much. A giant wave of relief hits when he sees Roman, immediately hugs him. He’s never really had friends before, sure there were people he hung out with in high school but no one he could fully trust. Roman had been the reason Dean began checking on him in the first place, worried that Seth was in over his head.

Unfortunately he was completely right.

“Can we go now?” He mumbles into Roman’s chest. “I wanna go now.”

He feels Roman softly chuckle against him, gently pats him on the back. “Yea, we can go.”

Seth has a bit of trouble keeping his balance as they walk, ends up leaning on Roman after a block. He kept the phone Finn leant him so he could easily get a hold of Seth. It doesn’t matter how many times he says thank you, Seth knows it’s never going to be enough. Maybe ‘thank you’ isn’t the right words but instead an ‘I’m sorry’ for all the hurt he’s caused. It wasn’t fair what he did to Finn even if the other man claimed to understand the way he kissed Seth said otherwise. 

“I’m fucking selfish.” He says, a touch of self loathing piercing through. “I don’t deserve-”

Seth trips on his own feet, lands painfully hard on his knees, palms scraping on the pavement preventing a full on faceplant. And he laughs because this is just fucking perfect. Roman helps him up and the amusement in Seth’s voice turns into something hollow. Doesn’t even realize he’s crying until Roman’s hugging him again telling Seth he’ll be alright.

“I can barely fucking walk. God, I’m so fucking dumb.” He croaks out.

“Guess I gotta carry you.” Roman says like it’s just a normal thing to do.

“No, I’m not- No.”

“Piggyback ride.” Roman clarifies but Seth shakes his head, he’s humiliated himself enough. “You’re going to trip again and Dean would never forgive me if you bust your face on my watch.”

He’s ready to argue but stops. “...How’s Dean?”

“Hop on and I’ll tell you.”

It’s not fair at all. It is kind of nice though, not that Seth will ever admit it. Rests his head on Roman’s shoulder waiting for his answer.

“He’s worried, obviously. But he did come down one night talking about you saying you loved him. Should’ve seen his face.”

Seth smiles into Roman’s shoulder. “Was he happy?”

“Was like ecstatic and petrified. Pretty adorable, don’t tell him I said that.”

“Petrified?” A hint of worry in his voice.

“He loves you, doesn’t want to fuck it up. His words.”

And he’s back to smiling even while his mind nags at him. “...He’s not the one that’s gonna fuck it up.”

“Dean understands what you’re going through, you know.” Roman reminds.

“That doesn’t make it ok!” He practically shouts making Roman wince. “I made out with Finn twice and I liked it. Saying sorry isn’t a fucking cure all.”

“You’ll work it out. You’re doing this right now because you love him. You want it to work.”

“Don’t give me that.” He argues. “I’m doing this cause I’m lonely and desperate.” 

“Nah, if that’s the case why aren’t you with Hunter?”

Seth lifts his head to speak but nothing comes, realizes in his panic Seth never once thought of Hunter. He wanted Dean, wanted to be in his bed and curl up close. Spend the night talking like they had all those times before back when Seth was so worried about what it all meant that he didn’t give himself the chance to soak in the moment. Which is funny considering all he does is chase after those brief seconds of bliss, his life is in fucking ruins because of it.

“You still with me?” Roman bounces him slightly.

“Yea, I just…” He rests his head again. “It’s like everything’s screaming and I can’t... Is there some point where you’re too fucked up to be fixed? Shit, I’m a sad drunk.”

“I don’t think there is.” Roman answers anyway. “We’re here.”

Seth looks up, fear spiking through his veins then suddenly it’s replaced with confusion. There’s no one around the front entrance as Roman carries him in making Seth twist around searching wildly for something to justify his panic. A bloodstain on the sidewalk. It’s still fresh, shining from the streetlamps. 

“Wait. What happened?”

Roman doesn’t answer, lets him down once they’re inside but takes him by the hand leading them to the elevator.

“Wait!” He pulls back. “There’s blood! What happened?!”

“I’ll tell you on the way to Dean’s room, ok?”

“No!” Seth shouts a little angrier than he expects. “Tell me now.”

Roman sighs, squeezes Seth’s hand softly. “We wanted to make sure you could get in safely. So Dean thought a distraction would be good. Which, uh, was him punching the guy in the face and taking off running.”

At first he doesn’t know what to say. Let’s vision fall out of focus while he replays Roman’s words. Dean’s out there where Hunter could get to him and it’s Seth’s fault. All because he couldn’t be patient and deal with being alone. Because he’s so fucking weak.

And Roman’s telling him something Seth can’t hear over his own terrified voice. “I didn’t want this! I didn’t! It’s my fault! I- Fuck! It’s my fault!”

He can’t breathe and maybe that’s for the best, if Hunter has Dean what’s the fucking point? Feels the room spinning around him, wants to let go of Roman’s hand and fall into it. This was too much. Then it all goes silent, the kind he hates but right now welcomes as the world around him fades to black.

His dreams are memories of being sixteen. Making out in the truck bed of a classmate who had earlier called him every name in the book during school hours. Seth was used to it, wasn’t at all fazed by the usual text he’d get later. There’d be an ‘I’m sorry’ and a ‘You’re so hot’, then a time or address like he had already said yes. Because he never said no. Seth was a lot stronger back then, didn’t blink an eye at being someone’s experiment. Any hurt he felt the next day when the name calling would start again got pushed to the back of his mind and school wouldn’t even be out by the time his phone was vibrating with new messages. 

When Seth wakes up he doesn’t need to open his eyes to know where he is. He knows the feel of Dean’s bed, plush and warm. He could cry all over again it’s so damn comforting. There isn’t time for that however as his brain registers that he isn’t alone. And for a moment Seth doesn’t want to look because what if his mind is playing tricks on him and he’s actually by himself.

He doesn’t want to wake up alone anymore.

Against his better judgement Seth opens his eyes and his heart swells at the sight. Dean’s sitting up in bed, leaning back against the headboard, eyes catching Seth’s.

“Hey.” Seth manages to say, smile growing on his face.

“Hey.” Dean grins back, Seth notices swelling under his left eye.

“You’re hurt…”

“It’s nothin’.” Dean brushes away the stray hairs from Seth’s face. “How you feelin’?”

“Like I’m gonna puke. But you’re here so… I’m just gonna lay here forever. Don’t move, ok?”

And god did Seth miss Dean’s laugh, feels his skin heat up at the sound. Rolls onto his back, stretching out and wincing at the ache in his knees followed by an angry throb of an incoming headache. He knows the hangover that’s going to hit is going to make Seth wish for death but right now he can’t find it in him to care. He’s exactly where he wants to be.

“You should kiss me.” He says looking up.

“Yea?” Dean leans over, lips so damn close it’s like a tease.

It’d been less than a week since their last kiss but it felt like it’d been years. He missed the feel of Dean’s lips on his. The warmth and soft pressure, the way his tongue traces along Seth’s lower lip. Lets them part just enough to allow Dean in, feels a moan bubbling inside him. Seth brings a hand to Dean’s side in attempt to pull him closer but the other man stiffens and pulls back for a second.

“Sorry.” Dean says giving him a quick kiss. “Fucker got a couple decent shots in. Don’t worry, he got worse.”

“Lemme see.” Seth moves to a sitting position while Dean rolls his eyes but takes off his shirt.

The bruising beginning to form on Dean’s ribs make his heart break. 

“It’s not that bad.” Dean says trying to reassure him.

“...I’m sorry.” He whispers and Dean kisses him again.

“I’m the one who hit him.”

“Cause of me.”

“No better reason. I’d fight anybody for you. Cause guess what? I fucking love you.”

And there it is. The words out in the open, face to face. Wishes he was more sober as his eyes are already growing wet. Dean loves him. Loves him without ever fucking him or even so much as a handjob. It doesn’t make any damn sense.

Seth wants to ask why. Needs to know the specifics because how could anyone ever truly love him? Dean is amazing and strong, put himself in harm’s way for Seth and would do it again, apparently. What did he do to deserve any of that? Seth is…. he’s nothing.

“Seth?” Dean gently cups his cheek. “Hey, come back, focus. It’s ok.”

“I’m a little drunk, sorry.” He mumbles hoping it’s a good enough excuse and shuts his eyes.

“Roman mentioned something about a piggyback ride.” Dean says and softly laughs taking the heaviness out of the air with it. 

Seth groans, it’s embarrassing but admittedly it was probably a sight to see.

He shows Dean his palms, covered in little cuts and scrapes. “I tripped.”

Then Dean kisses his hands and the words spill out of him.

“I love you.” Seth smiles and breaks into an awkward laugh. “And I wanna say it like crazy cause… it sounds right.”

“Not gonna stop you.” Dean grins into their next kiss.

It’s the best night Seth’s had in a long time despite his body feeling like a total wreck. Being held by Dean reminds him a little of Finn but it’s different in ways he’s only just starting to understand. There isn’t that burning intensity of needing to be as close as possible but a content feeling that he and Dean could lay there doing nothing forever and it would be absolutely perfect. Maybe that’s what being in love is supposed to feel like Seth thinks and a shiver rolls down his spine. Dean presses a kiss into his hair as Seth drifts into an uneventful sleep. 

 

Seth’s right about the hangover, sadly. He feels worse than awful but on the plus side Dean’s still there and it makes him happy despite wanting to vomit or piss himself, probably both if he doesn’t crawl to the bathroom in time. 

“This is dumb.” He grumbles as he shuffles into the bathroom.

He’s pretty sure he hears Dean laugh but ignores it. Afterward Seth runs the bath because that seems like the most sensible idea. He’s either going to drown or relax which sounds about right for his life, really. The water’s one step down from scalding as he slips in, giving a sigh of relief. Seth wishes he could stay there all day but there’s still a lot on his plate. 

He wants to talk to Finn, tell him he’s alright, Seth owes him that much. Wonders how badly he’s hurt him and if when Finn says a little he actually means a lot. It’s in the way he looks at Seth, how his hands gently trace over his skin. They had a genuine connection, not one necessarily out of love but of a shared loneliness. Maybe that’s what drew them to each other and why the guilt felt so damn heavy.

And then there’s his mom. The thought makes him want to sink beneath the water. What is he supposed to say to her? How could he tell her any of this?

“Sorry mom, turned out to be a whore.” He says only then looking up to see Dean entering the bathroom.

“Just checking on you.”

“I’m ok.” He says and neither of them believe it.

Dean hums. “Yea, so that what you’re gonna tell your mom?”

Seth laughs while Dean sits on the floor beside the tub. “All I got so far. I don’t know what to say and I can’t fucking lie to her anymore.” He blinks hard and takes a breath trying to regain his composure. “How do I even start?”

“You don’t have to start at the beginning or give her every detail. She knows you’re hurting.”

“I’ve tried to talking to her on the phone and I can’t tell her shit.”

“Maybe she should come here. Hunter wants you not her, he’d be fucking stupid to try something.”

It’s a better idea than his sad attempts at talking to her through the phone. Seeing him would ease her worries, though the bruises and not being able to leave the hotel it’d spring up new ones. 

“She’s gonna take one look at me and…” He sighs and sinks a little further into the water.

“Do you want me to be there?”

And Dean would if he asked but Seth shakes his head. “I don’t- I can do it.”

Seth can’t always rely on someone to hold his hand through all of his damn issues. He can do this one thing. He has to.

“You should kiss me again.” He says trying to push the day’s worries away.

“This you takin’ initiative?” Dean asks, a hint of lightness in his voice.

“Maybe. Or I just really fucking missed you.”

It’s sweet and everything he wants but his smile turns into a grimace as Dean kisses along his jaw down to his neck.

“Would you still love me if you knew I told him to choke me?” He asks softly.

Dean takes all of five seconds to process his words, places a kiss on his adam’s apple then leans back to look Seth dead in the eyes. 

“I love you and I know you’re scared but here’s the thing, so am I. Haven’t felt like this in a long time and sure as fuck wasn’t expecting someone to ever-” Dean smiles but it’s not his usual one, it’s soft and sort of shy. “But here you are.”

“You shouldn’t be scared. It’s just me.”

“Yea.” And the way Dean’s looking at him makes Seth feel like he could melt on the spot. “Just you, a goddamn whirlwind.”

“...Dean, I think-” What Seth wants to say is serious but damn if it doesn’t make him burst into giggles, leaving Dean staring.

“What?”

“I sound like a virgin!” He laughs which doesn’t help Dean’s confusion at all. “Sorry, I, um, I was gonna say…” He exhales a breath and bites his lip, wanting to be sure of his words. “I think I’m ready to have sex with you. I’m not scared anymore.”

For a second Seth thinks Dean’s going to laugh at him. The words sound so strange coming from him. When is Seth ever not ready for sex? All it takes is some stranger giving him a little nod and ten minutes later he’s riding the guy’s lap like it’s an everyday occurrence. Because it is. 

But Dean’s different. 

And he proves it, kisses him but doesn’t push any further. Seth knows that Dean wants him to set the pace to this whether they have sex right now, tonight, or next week. Seth could tear himself apart wondering how he could be so lucky or if he deserved any of this but he doesn’t want to. Pain is waiting for him around the corner, it always is. So he’s going to take this moment like he should’ve with all the others and hold onto it. He’s in love and Dean loves him back. That’s all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No update next week, sorry ya'll! I'll be out and about all week with no laptop in reach. Big thank you for your patience!


	18. Chapter 18

“I wanna stay here.” Seth says. “After everything settles. I’d like to stay.”

“You that certain she’s gonna disown you?” Dean asks.

“No. I just… I like it here. I like being with you.”

They sit upstairs in the lounge Roman’s blocked off, waiting for Seth’s mother. He leans against Dean on the couch trying not to overthink what he needs to say. Dean’s right, all the details aren’t necessary at least not yet. Still, it’s hard to calm his mind. How could he have let things get so out of control?

Dean presses a kiss to his temple pulling Seth away from his thoughts. ”Hey, don’t get lost.”

“Too late, I think.”

“Nah, you’re right here.” Dean says and Seth finds himself smiling.

“That’s so-” He exhales a laugh then hears footsteps coming up the stairs.

“You sure you don’t want me to stay?”

He nods. “I can do this.”

Dean gives him a quick peck as he gets up and heads downstairs, hears Dean and his mother in a quick hushed conversation before she enters the lounge. Seth wishes the bruises on his neck weren’t so visible seeing the concern and heartbreak in her eyes. She’s over by his side in a flash hugging him so hard it’s a struggle to breathe.

“I was so worried.” She says holding him close.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, feeling the weight of the grief he’s been causing her.

“It’s ok.” She pulls back, letting go. Her eyes fall onto the bruises. “What happened?”

“It’s, uh,” he bites his lip, can’t quite look at her. “Things are kind of a mess. Have been for- a long time.”

Out of the corner of his eye he can see her shoulders sag, a quiet sigh escaping her. “I knew, I could see something was wrong. But... you’re so young, I assumed whatever it was would pass.”

“It’s not your fault.” He reassures her. “I don’t want you to think that. It’s me. It’s all me.”

Seth knows she’s still going to feel guilty but he needs to say it. Maybe he didn't fully understand the ramifications of what he was doing at thirteen when Seth had his first sexual experience but he had been the one to agree to it. So to him everything that followed was his fault, good or bad.

“I want you to be able to talk to me and you weren’t. I wish I had made it more clear.”

“This is different. I wanted to tell you, but it isn’t-” The words die in his throat.

“You can tell me. It won’t change things.”

“It will. You might- I never meant to lie to you for so long.”

“I know, but you’re telling me now and I’m listening. You don’t have to be scared.” Her voice soft and comforting like maybe she won’t hate him.

“You remember when I was fifteen and you caught me making out with a boy and decided to give me the sex talk?” He asks and she nods. Here goes nothing. “I had already lost count of how many guys I’d slept with by then.”

Seth refuses to look up at her. If he does he’ll break and never get through this.

“And, uh,” he continues. “It’s uh, what I’ve been doing for work.”

A decision Seth had thought was so simple. Why not do something he was good at for money? He was supposed to treat it like a job and for the first few weeks he did but old habits had a way of rising to the surface. Now Seth’s in hiding because the second he steps outside he’ll be Hunter’s again and there’d be no way to leave.

“Oh, honey.” Seth hears his mom say but keeps his eyes to the floor. “Seth, look at me.”

He shakes his head. “I can’t…”

She pulls Seth into her arms again, he feels so damn tense it takes him a solid few minutes to relax. To realize she’s not shoving him away. Instead, his mother is telling him he’ll be alright and that she loves him. Maybe it’s silly that Seth’s a bit shocked that his mom still cares about him but he is. All the years of lying to her and sleeping around with anyone who’d give him the time of day. He’s a disappointment through and through yet she isn’t leaving. 

“Is that why you wouldn’t come home?” She asks and and his stomach twists into a knot.

He’s not sure if he’s ready to talk to anyone about Hunter yet. 

“Everything’s kind of a mess right now. Some really bad days.” He fights down a shudder thinking of the mark on his hip. “It’s better for me here. Dean… He’s helped me a lot.”

“Well I was right about him.” She quietly laughs. “Though I would’ve liked you to be able come to me with this.”

“I was scared.” He admits. “And for a long time I didn’t think it was a problem.” 

Normal probably wasn’t the right word but Seth it was. He wasn’t exactly lying when he’d tell his mom he was sleeping over at a friend’s house. She just didn’t know it was sleeping in the adult sense. How much would things have changed if he had just told her what was going on? 

He thinks of the night he had lost virginity Seth walked home afterward, feeling dejected. The other boy had been nice for the most part but once they had finished Seth could tell he had wanted him to leave. Remembers how it hurt to walk and how dumb he felt already knowing the boy was probably never going to talk to him again. His mother had been surprised to see Seth home so early, told her he felt sick and curled up on the sofa while she stroked his hair. He wanted to tell her what had happened, ask if it was supposed to feel this way. 

But he didn’t. Instead, Seth told himself next time would be different.

And here he is years later still waiting for that next time.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Seth finally glances up at her.

She smiles at him, he can tell there’s a lot she wants to say but is holding back. It’s probably where he gets it from.

“I’m not upset.” She says and he gives her a skeptical look that makes his mother laugh. “Ok, I’m upset. Not at you. I knew something was wrong and did nothing.” She sighs again. “Your neck…”

“It’ll fade.” 

“That’s not the point. Someone hurt you. How many times has that happened before?”

“It’s not- I can usually handle it.” 

“Honey, you shouldn’t have to. What you’re doing- Are you still… working?”

“No. This,” he gestures at his neck. “This, uh- This was different.”

He had asked Hunter to choke him the second time. His fault. It’s who he is.

“Are you going to tell me?”

Memories of the past few days swirl in his head. Hunter’s hands on him, how Seth had hated it and wanted it at the same time. Just thinking about it overwhelms him. 

“This guy, he-” Seth stops. Swears he can hear Hunter’s voice in his ear, possessive and angry. 

She holds his hand, gives it a soft squeeze. “It’s ok.” 

“It’s not! It’s really not.” He takes a shaky breath trying and failing to calm down. “I think I liked a lot of it. He’s a fucking monster and I liked it! Mom, I’m- I’m not-”

And she’s hugging him again only this time Seth is balling like a fucking child. She doesn’t know the extent of everything but it doesn’t matter, she’s rubbing his back and humming soothing words Seth can barely hear. It’s not just that he doesn’t want to be anywhere near Hunter again but it’s how he feeds into Seth’s addiction. If Finn hadn’t been there how long would it have taken Hunter to break him completely? 

“Are you sure you want to stay here?” She asks, knows she’d rather him be at home with her but he can’t even if he wanted to.

And while those past few days were overwhelming there was one giant bright spot in it all. Seth realized his feelings for Dean, learned that he was actually capable of love.

“It’s better for me here. I’m not trying to push you away, promise.”

They sit together for a while longer, conversation lighter with his mother doing most of the talking. He feels a bit worn out but a sense of relief outweighs it. She still cares about him, there was no real tone of disappointment, only concern. And while there’s a lot he’s probably going to need to tell her in future he isn’t as scared anymore. 

Dean’s waiting at the front desk with Roman when he comes down. Seth manages to put on a little smile which hopefully soothes the tinge of worry he sees in the other’s eyes. It’s not a completely false smile, his mother isn’t going to abandon him and Dean loves him. Two insanely amazing things as far as he’s concerned. So Seth kisses him, wants to make sure Dean knows how much he cares about him. Wishes he could give Dean more but it feels as though there’s so little of Seth left. Maybe his heart is enough though it doesn’t seem like much.

“How’d it go?” Dean kisses at his jaw.

“She doesn’t hate me. Cried a lot. Kind of a normal day, I guess.” He says a little pleased with himself at seeing the other two laugh. 

“Your mom stared us down, me mostly. Told me to take care of your or else. Well, she didn’t say or else but the look did.”

“She’s pretty tough, she could probably take you.”

“I have no doubt.” Dean says and Seth chuckles into his shoulder.

The light hold Dean’s hands have on his waist suddenly tighten, feels Dean’s whole body tense. Seth glances up to see him and Roman both glaring at the entrance with looks of pure venom. He doesn’t recognize the man but with his face pretty banged up Seth doesn’t need to guess. 

“You better fuckin’ leave before I beat the shit outta you again.” Dean growls.

The man just smirks looking right at Seth as he holds up his hands, what looks like Seth’s phone gripped in one of them.

“Just returning something.” He slowly puts the phone on the floor and turns toward the entrance. “Boss looks forward to seeing you, Seth.”

He wants to yell, tell him that Hunter needs to leave him the fuck alone already but it’s exactly what the older man would want. To be angry which would just show how fearful he is. So Seth stays silent and reminds himself to breathe. The moment the guy is out of sight he pushes away from Dean, the hold suddenly too tight for his liking. 

“S-Sorry, I, uh-” He sighs looks at both of them then down to the floor. “Feel like I brought all this shit to your doorstep neither of you asked for.”

“We chose to help you, you’re not making us.” Roman says patiently.

“But that was before when it was easy.” Seth argues, anxiety seeping into his voice. “Now I’m fucking hiding here. I made a mess and dragged you into it.”

“You didn’t.” Dean says trying to tilt Seth’s chin up to look at him. “He kidnapped you, nobody coulda guessed that.”

He slaps Dean’s hand away, stares at him right in the eyes. “You’re acting like I’m innocent or something. I gave in. I let him!” 

“Seth-”

He takes a step back. For someone who hates being alone right now that’s all Seth wants. He loves Dean but he’s all messed up. How can he act like anything they’ll have is special when all he’ll do is hurt Dean?

“I’ll head to your room in a bit, ok?” Seth tells him, hoping it doesn’t sound like a rejection.

“Yea, ok.” Dean softly say, tries to ignore the hurt in his voice.

Seth grabs the phone on his way to the elevator, hits the button for the top floor once inside. Sinks against the wall as it begins to rise. All they want to do is help him but there Seth is ready to ruin it as he always does. 

Seth screams his throat raw all the way up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! It took me a bit to get back into the mindset of this story. Thank you for patience! Bonus: I wrote a little one off piece to this from Dean's perspective (set right after last chapter) that maybe some of ya'll might find interesting. You can find it on my tumblr right [here](http://demonjeans.tumblr.com/post/148575115023/a-little-companion-piece-for-i-wanna-be-adored)


	19. Chapter 19

Seth sits at the end of the hall on the top floor, watches the city street below and tries to sort through his thoughts. Easier said than done. Especially after glancing at his phone, something he knows he shouldn’t have done but was desperate for a distraction. 

**You’re mine.**

Sent just this morning from Hunter. He shouldn’t be surprised, hell, it’s tame considering one of the last things he had sent was a photo of Seth mid fuck. But the words hit him like a brick, can hear Hunter’s voice in his head again. Focuses on the people walking by to keep his mind from wandering too far.

He needs to apologize to Dean, for giving in to Hunter, kissing Finn, and being downright ungrateful after everything he’s done for Seth. It’s a goddamn laundry list of fuck ups. Why would Dean choose to love him of all people? The elevator dings and heavy footsteps approach he knows it’s not Dean.

“Mind if I sit here?” Roman asks and he shakes his head.

“Is Dean mad?” He croaks out.

Roman’s eyes narrow slightly. “You been screaming again?”

He nods and Roman sighs. “Gotta quit doing that.”

“I’ll add it to the list.” Seth smiles tiredly.

“He’s not.” Roman answers. “Worried about you, we both are.”

“I know, that’s the problem. I don’t… Can’t handle it.”

“Why do you think you need to be treated so badly?” He asks.

Seth glances over at Roman with a little tilt of his head. “You my therapist now?”

“A friend. And I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”

He turns his attention back to the window, frowning. “I never know what to say.”

“Whatever you’re thinking. It’s like screaming but with words.” Roman grins at him and Seth laughs despite the soreness in his throat.

“How much of it’s even addiction?” He says after a beat. “...Might just be me.”

“Are you basing that from what happened with Hunter?”

“Sorta. I didn’t want to but it felt…” He swallows trying to soothe the ache. “It’s the way he looks at me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Like I’m- It’s lust but more.” Seth doesn’t know if he can ever explain the feeling quite right. “Like he’ll still want me afterward. I think Dean would want me too, but-” He takes a ragged breath. “There’s no way it’s gonna work.”

“Sounds like you’re saying that to give yourself an out. You love Dean and he loves you. Why end it before it starts?”

“I don’t wanna hurt him. Probably already am.” He feels like smacking his head against the window until he hears a crack but Dean would probably end up being the one to clean it up. “I’m scared, I guess.”

“Of hurting him?”

“Of everything. I’ve never been in love before. I think I always wanted to be but told myself it wasn’t real. Not for me, anyway.”

“Back at square one.” Roman says and he glances up.

“What?”

“Why do you think you need to be treated so badly?” He asks again looking into Seth’s eyes.

He exhales a humorless laugh. This time thinks it over before answering. “I didn’t know there was another option. All I wanted was attention. Their eyes on me. Didn’t matter if it hurt later.” 

Roman gives a thoughtful nod before speaking. “Well, Dean’s the other option if you still want it. And I think he can handle a couple bumps in the road if it means being with you.”

“Doesn’t make any sense…” Seth says. 

“That’s love.” Roman tells him like that’s a perfectly fine answer and maybe it is. 

“In movies, not in real life.”

“How would you know?” 

Seth opens his mouth to speak then stops, watches the cars down below. “I wouldn’t.”

“He’s in his room when you’re ready to go down there.” 

He nods then turns to Roman. “Thanks. I know it isn’t-” Stops, Seth can always tear at himself later. “...Thank you.” 

Standing in front of Dean’s door later Seth wonders if he’s ever going to stop feeling nervous at the simple act of knocking on his door. Maybe he should’ve asked Roman if this is part the whole love thing and there Seth’s again needing a damn guideline on how relationships are supposed to work. It’s embarrassing. Seth collects himself as best he can and two light taps later Dean answers, puts on a smile that doesn’t quite match his eyes and Seth gets hit with another pang of self loathing.

“I’m sorry.” Seth’s voice still a bit ragged.

“What happened to your voice?”

“Was screaming. Kind of a thing I’m doing now, I guess.” 

And there’s a look that Seth’s reads as possibly understanding. Sometimes he forgets that Dean’s gone through hell, too. A year seems like a long time to be clean. Seth wonders what he might be like in a year if he manages to keep his head above water in the mess that is his life. 

“I’ll get you some water.” Dean turns away and Seth takes a step forward, reaches out for Dean’s wrist then pulls him into a hug.

“I’m sorry.” He repeats. “I’m really fucking sorry.”

Dean rubs his back. “I’m not mad, Seth.”

“You should be.”

“If it was up to you you’d probably want me to throw you out. Guess what? I’m not gonna.” Presses a kiss to his forehead. “It’s all fucked up, I know. But I’m really happy you’re here.”

“You don’t sound that happy.” Seth mumbles.

“Yea, well, you sound like a frog right now so-”

“Shut up.” Seth playfully shoves him. 

A few minutes later they’re sitting side by side on the edge of the bed. Seth’s mind is slowly returning to running a million miles a minute telling him things he doesn’t need to hear. The guilt of the past few days loudly marching through.

“I wanna show you something.” Seth leans back, debates with himself a moment but Dean will find out eventually, then pulls his jeans down enough to reveal the mark on his hip. “I wanted him to. And now… It’s like I’ll never get rid of him.”

Dean eyes the bitemark, it feels like an eternity before he speaks. “You called me in a panic cause he texted you and you didn’t think you could stop yourself, remember?”

“Yea. What about it?”

“He wasn’t anywhere near you but you were scared. That-” He gestures at Seth’s hip. “It’s like handing me a needle after being clean a month and saying good luck.”

“So it’s not a big deal to you?” He asks, confused.

“I didn’t say that. It is. But I’m sure it’s not as straightforward as ‘Hey bite me.’”

“I tried to act like I had control at first.” Seth tries to explain. “Like if I did well he’d let me leave cause he half promised and- The way he is, everything Hunter says feels a fucking fact even when it isn’t.”

Like Seth being his. 

And it’s enough to make him sit back up, stare Dean right in the eyes. “I need you. I want you. I don’t wanna feel him anymore. ...Please?”

Dean’s voice is quiet with a touch of surprise. “You sure?”

Seth nods leaning over to kiss him, takes his time with it. Slips his hands under Dean’s shirt whispering the word ‘off’ against his lips. It’s odd how intimate getting undressed with Dean feels, swears he might even be blushing. They move up on the bed Seth on his back as Dean kisses at his neck, at his bruises. A shiver runs through him and he can feel Dean smiling. 

“I, uh, I kind of-” Seth bites his lip, he had been thinking about this situation in the bath the other day. How he wanted to approach this. 

Dean props himself on an elbow lying on his side. “You ok?”

“Yea, I just… I was thinking I don’t really wanna be on my back for this.”

“Ok, how do you want to?”

“I thought maybe you could, uh, spoon me while we- I just wanna feel close. I know that’s-” Dean cuts him off with a kiss and Seth’s skin buzzes with energy.

“Like I’m gonna say no to holding you.” He grins.

He’s a little embarrassed at how worried he was at asking because he should’ve known Dean would go along with it. Then again, Seth never really asks for much at this stage, his knees are usually already up against his chest by now. Not that he wouldn’t mind that with Dean but along with feeling as close as possible the biggest reason is he doesn’t want Dean’s eyes on him. Seth doesn’t want to get lost in the moment like he always does. He wants to feel every second.

Seth almost laughs when Dean asks him if he’s ready like he hasn’t done this more times than he can count. Even so he sucks in a breath as the tip of Dean’s slick cock nudges at his entrance. He whispers out a please and Dean slowly slips into him, puts a hand to Seth’s chest pulling him close. Seth thinks he could stay here like this for hours feeling Dean inside of him.

“You still with me?” Dean’s fingers glide over Seth’s collar bone.

“Yea.” And Seth rolls his hips, pleased at the sudden gasp.

“That’s just mean.” 

“Maybe you should do something about it.”

Dean begins to rock back and forth in a steady rhythm, Seth letting a content little moan escape him. Seth shuts his eyes, listens to Dean breathing, the warm heaviness of the hand on his chest, lips kissing along his shoulder and neck. It’s slow like one big tease but purposeful, every thrust igniting and soothing him. Dean’s hand slides down to his hip fingers grazing at the base of Seth’s cock but stops there. He confused for a moment when he realizes Dean is asking for permission. 

And if he wasn’t blushing before he sure as hell is now because how did ever manage to get someone like Dean. He nods then almost immediately whimpers at the touch, is so happy Dean can’t see his face feeling embarrassed all over again. Since when does something so simple as a hand around his cock elicit a goddamn whimper? It’s probably Dean’s fault.

“Hey,” Seth’s voice becoming rough again. “I love you.”

Dean lightly nibbles at his ear, doesn’t have to see him to know he’s got that damn easy grin on his face. “Love you, too.”

This isn’t like Hunter or Finn, it’s different, special in it’s own way that through moans and gasps Seth can’t stop smiling. It’s kind of overwhelming. Each stroke brings him closer and Seth wishes he could hold out but every little movement between them has an impact, their bodies pressed so closely it’s as though they’re melting into each other. A familiar tension grows within his stomach and there’s a momentary sense of worry but the wave of pleasure rolls past it. Seth calls out Dean’s name as he cums feeling himself quiver around Dean’s cock getting a lust filled moan out of him. He knows Dean’s not far off and rolls into his thrusts a little harder, biting his lip in a failed attempt to keep in a groan. 

Dean’s hand grips onto his hip pulling Seth in while burying himself just that much deeper as he spills into Seth. It’s takes a second to remember to breathe, then he laughs because he and Dean just had sex and the world didn’t end. All the worst case scenarios he had been expecting aren’t happening and it’s honestly throwing Seth off a little.

Dean gently slips out of him, puts a hand on his thigh. “You here?”

“Yea.” He mumbles. “I, uh,... It’s weird- I mean, not this, uh-”

“Turn over.” Dean says breathlessly. “Wanna kiss you. You can freak out afterwards.”

Seth does so but makes sure to throw him a halfhearted glare. “I’m not freaking out.”

“Good.” Dean rests his forehead against his and they share a light kiss then another and another.

“I’m kinda…” Seth closes his eyes again working through his thoughts. “I’m waiting for you to tell me to leave.” 

Dean’s hand slides up to his waist, pulls him a fraction closer the shared heat of their exhausted bodies feels comforting. “Why would I ever do that?”

“Cause I’m me.” He says.

“My boyfriend, you mean.” Dean responds and a dumb smile starts to grow on Seth’s face.

Because Dean is still calling Seth his boyfriend even after all of this. The word never meant much to him before and now suddenly it’s making his heart flutter. 

“There’s that smile. Been waitin’ for that.”

Seth thinks of rolling his eyes or telling Dean to shut up for being so cheesy, kisses him instead. Everything could fall apart tomorrow and it wouldn’t matter because he finally got to have this. Know that Dean’s not going to shove him away, call him names, or taunt Seth’s need in his face. It’s crazy and amazing and he has no idea how to handle any of this. But maybe it’s like what Roman said, that’s love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this turned out ok! Thanks to everyone who has been following for nineteen chapters so far, holy jeez you guys are beasts! <3


	20. Chapter 20

Things are strange. He’s in hiding from a man who’s at crazy stalker levels of obsessed to where his new “home” is a hotel. He’s had to spill his guts to his mom about a problem that he didn’t ever want to tell her about. A problem that never seemed like one until he was told to think about it for more than two seconds. Seth Rollins, sex addict. It still sounds ridiculous to him even if it’s been proven true time and time again. 

The thing is without sex, without that drive for attention, Seth isn’t really sure who he is.

He’s Dean’s boyfriend. Not that that helps Seth understand himself any better. It means he’s capable of love which is a huge and terrifying thing. And as he lies there watching Dean sleep, the glow of the TV illuminating his face, Seth has never felt so goddamn content. That’s the scary part. He’s waiting for the big come down.

“I can literally feel you thinking.” Dean mumbles, eyes still closed. 

“Sorry, this is just…” Seth can’t find the right words.

“You know, I never expected anything like this either. Being in love? Not a chance.”

“But you’re…” He gives Dean light peck, his lips grazing Dean’s as he speaks. “You’re amazing.”

“Could say the same about you. Don’t argue.”

Seth rolls his eyes and moves onto his back staring at the ceiling. “I wanna be what you think I am. Be better, not feel like this.”

“You’ll get there, takes time.”

That seems to be the go to answer because what else can Seth do but deal with this one day at a time? For the rest of his life. God does it suck. He sighs and looks away, eyes landing on his phone on the nightstand and thinks of chucking it off the roof. Hunter had sent another text, something about how Dean would never be good enough and why was Seth denying himself. The usual bullshit. He hasn’t told Dean about either of the messages yet but there isn't much he can do besides ignore it so what’s the point?

His mind is wandering elsewhere, anyway. Another kind of guilt is creeping it’s way in as he thinks of Finn. How he left with just a simple note Seth had drunkenly scrawled before running off because he couldn’t handle being alone. Finn deserved so much better but he wanted Seth, just like Dean. Only all Seth did was break his heart two times over.

“Ok, spill.” Dean says with a little yawn.

“What?”

“Whatever’s got you so worked up. I mean, if it’s Hunter-”

“It’s not.” He cuts in turning back onto his side. “I’m just overthinking again.”

“About?”

“...Things.”

“Seth.”

“I don’t wanna ruin everything already.”

That earns him a sympathetic look but there’s an air of concern with it at as well. “...Having second thoughts?”

“No!” He answers quickly. “That’s not it, I promise. It’s, uh- It’s Finn.”

“The guy you kissed?”

“Among other things.”

“He got you away from Hunter which means I owe him a drink or ten but, guessin’ I’m missin’ somethin’.”

“Yea, kinda. A lot.” He takes a slow breath. Would he have had this conversation with Finn about Dean if he had done things differently? “Before all this shit with Hunter I was freaking out cause I really liked you both. He wanted to be exclusive and I kinda wanted to but then we had sex and I felt so fucking guilty. Like I’d cheated on you and we weren’t even together yet. Never felt like that till you.”

Dean absorbs his words takes a moment before answering him. “You still feel somethin’ for him.”

“I don’t love him. ...but I think I want him. I don’t wanna fuck, just wanna kiss him. Is that worse?”

“I dunno.” Dean says softly making Seth’s heart ache but then he lets out a chuckle. “Sounds like you have a crush.”

“Well, I’m taken.”

“Noticed.” And they’re both smiling.

“So what do you wanna do?”

“What do you mean?”

“You brought him up for a reason.”

“I feel bad about leaving his place without a real goodbye. He deserves one, I just don’t know what that means.”

“Well you said you wanted to kiss him.” Dean points out.

“I can’t kiss him, I’m dating you.” Seth says suddenly caught off guard by his own words. “We’re dating. That’s a thing we’re doing.”

Dean’s lips quirk into a smile like he’s just realizing it too. “Yea, we are.”

Seth takes the opportunity to kiss Dean then, feels a hand on his waist give a light squeeze.

“Which means we can have a little fun.” He whispers.

“You gonna say that in a couple hours when you’re thinkin’ about Finn again?”

And Seth shouldn’t laugh but he hasn’t experienced such a mood killer in a long time. Cut and dry, straight to the throat and Dean’s not even trying to be mean. It’s completely true. 

“What am I supposed to do?” He sighs, frustrated. “Ask him over and make out with him?”

“You said you wanted to say goodbye. Do you though?”

“I don’t know… I don’t want you to think-”

Dean’s finger tap on his ribs. “Hey, I’m not gonna yell or somethin’, ok? But I’m gonna ask, do you like him or is it a craving?”

Seth keeps his gaze on Dean’s lips, wishes he hadn’t said anything but every little detail of why he is who he is was inevitable.

“He likes me a lot and I like that he likes me a lot. He’s lonely but I don’t want him to be. We kinda feed off each other, it feels great then it hurts. ...Guess that answers that.”

Dean pulls Seth into his arms, kisses his forehead as they lie there. He sighs, it’s not like he didn’t kind of already know this about him and Finn but again it’s in the act of saying the words out loud that solidifies it. Still, it’s Finn, he doesn’t want to let go. 

“Ask him to come by.” Dean says.

“What?” He pulls back looking confused.

“We’re just gonna talk in circles. Maybe you should talk to him.”

“What if I kiss him?”

“Meet at the lounge, the second you start feeling uneasy call for me. I’ll stay close by.” 

He’s amazed that Finn actually says yes to seeing him, their conversation slightly awkward mostly on Seth’s part. Makes him wonder if there’s ever going to be a time when he’s not in some constant state of guilt. Finn brushes off his apology in his usual polite manner telling Seth he’s glad he’s alright which only makes his heart hurt even more. Maybe this has to be the end.

The idea of having a crush floats through his head the minute Seth sees Finn again. Can he have a crush while being in love or is he just desperately trying to find some way satisfy his need? Sex with Dean was amazing, it felt special, but it didn’t stop his mind from wandering later that night. Seth reminds himself that Dean’s downstairs as he sits beside Finn on the couch and maybe he should’ve sat farther away but distance between them would feel even stranger. It’s kind of the reason he left Finn’s house in the first place unable to deal with being alone, getting drunk and calling Roman for help.

“...I owe you so much beer.” He mutters feeling embarrassed. 

“You cleaned me out pretty good.” Finn nods grinning and they both share a laugh.

“Sorry, I, uh- Yea. I’m sorry I left like that.”

“It’s ok. This is where you needed to be anyway.”

“I liked your place.” Seth says, thinks of Dean and how nothing’s ever straight forward. “I like being around you.” 

“Your boyfriend looks… protective.” Finn responds but he lets his hand settle on top of Seth’s.

“He’s nice, I promise.” 

“Better be.” He playfully warns, smiling wide but it slowly softens. “I know why you asked me here. Part of me wanted to say no as if I’m holding onto some hope we’ll end up back in my bed. But, I know it’s…”

“I’m sorry,” Seth says for what feels like the hundredth time. “We could’ve just talked on the phone. Texted to make it cold. I just really wanted to see you.” 

“It’s why I said yes.”

Slowly Seth turns his hand palm up to hold Finn’s, their fingers lacing. 

“Dean said I had a crush on you. I mean, I know he was joking but there’s something- Makes me wanna be selfish.” He says and Finn laughs, lightly squeezing his hand. “What?”

He kisses at Seth’s jaw whispering in his ear. “I’m a bit selfish, too.”

This is where he should call for Dean, push Finn away and think this through. He’ll consider those options after one desperately needed kiss and Seth manages to push Finn back, he just ends up on top of him. It’s when he feels hands slip up his sides under his shirt that Seth pulls away, both of them breathless. 

“I want to.” Seth says quietly, a cloud of hopelessness hanging above him.

Finn’s smile is soft, only makes Seth want to kiss him again. “Walk me out?”

It’s for the best, they know that.

“...Ok.” 

They walk downstairs side by side, he glances over to Dean and gives him a reassuring look. Seth thinks of keeping their last kiss to himself. Not in some attempt to lie to Dean but something Seth can have when he can’t have anything. 

He stands at the entrance doors watching Finn step out onto the sidewalk. Seth’s about to wallow in how trapped he feels when he sees that jackass the day before who brought in his phone. He’s outside without a second thought, sure there’s not much he can do but there’s no way he’s leaving Finn alone with the guy. Finn looks completely confused and the man just grins stepping back. Dean and Roman are out a second later but he’s already walking away.

“You should answer him.” The man calls out over his shoulder. “Be a shame if someone got hurt.”


	21. Chapter 21

Seth wanted to believe things would better. That when he made it past that impossible seeming hurdle with Dean he’d be at least on track to being ok. But every step forward he gets thrown ten steps back and it’s too fucking much. Roman and Dean are talking, probably about what he should be doing, but Seth isn’t listening. It sounds a bit like they’re arguing which only makes him feel worse then it goes quiet.

“You here with us?” Roman asks him. Thankfully he doesn’t look angry, though as he looks up he can see Dean’s arms are tightly crossed.

“I- Sorry. I’m kinda tired.” He answers. “Think I’m gonna head up if that’s ok?”

Dean gives a little nod. “Let’s go.”

Seth should ask him if he’s alright but is too busy hiding his face in Dean’s neck the whole elevator ride up, doesn’t want to move when they reach their floor.

“Can’t shut down just yet, ok?” Dean rubs his back soothingly. 

“I won’t. It’s… yea.”

It’s that he loves Dean. Wants to have someone for himself, truly be with someone and learn what that’s like. But he’s scared and doesn’t trust himself. Doesn’t know if he ever will. Because he’s not just thinking about Hunter anymore but what happens after.

“The last time you were in love with someone how long did it last?” He asks as they reach Dean’s room.

“Seth…”

“I don’t need the details just a time frame.”

Dean shakes his head as they enter they room. “So what, you can plan for something that isn’t going to happen?”

“How’re you so sure?”

“How’re you?” Dean questions right back.

“I had boyfriends before and it never worked out.” 

It’s a stretch and they both know it. He sits beside Dean on the edge of the bed, wishes that he’d stop bringing these kinds of conversations up but Seth can’t help it. They finally had sex and he still loves Dean how long would the reverse be true? Dean knows what he is, what happens after the next mistake they both know is coming.

“Did you ever actually consider them boyfriends or love them?”

“...No.” He answers quietly.

“Then why do you keep trying to fight this?”

“Because I’ll hurt you.” He says and Dean smirks. "What?"

"What if I hurt you?" Dean asks a hint of real worry in his voice, it’s confusing. 

"Never thought about it."

"Not once?" 

"You were kind of a dick at first.” Seth admits and they share a warm laugh between them. “But you were never mean so why would I?"

Dean leans back propping himself on his elbows, gaze straight ahead. "I loved someone so much I dragged them back down with me. They got clean, not long but long enough to matter."

Seth turns to him, his voice quiet. "What happened to them?"

"He was smart and got the fuck away from me." Dean says in a sort of flat tone that only makes Seth’s stomach begin to twist into a knot. He’s never heard Dean sound like that, empty. 

“...And here I am pushing you away.” He mumbles and Dean tugs at the back of his shirt making lie down.

“There’s a difference between then and now. I know why you’re doin’ it but I’m not goin’ anywhere and if I gotta tell you that everyday I will.” 

Like a flip of a switch Dean’s back to being supportive. It’s impossible to think of him ever hurting Seth. Dean is amazing and as he looks up at him Seth wants to hold onto this as long as he can. However long that is.

“...You might have to.” There’s an edge of defeat in Seth’s voice he doesn’t mean to let out. 

Because everything is so up in the air. Hunter is threatening him now and he has no clue what to do. And it doesn’t help that there’s still this voice telling him to just give in, that it would be for the best. Why is he trying to hold onto some pretend normal life that isn’t a real possibility for someone like him? That he’s good at one thing and what will he be if he pushes that away?

Nothing. He’ll be nothing. 

He slowly inhales and exhales trying to settle himself. “...I don’t know what to do.”

Dean surprises him, leans over and kisses him. It’s slow, reminds him a little of their first real kiss how Seth just felt himself melt away. 

“We’ll figure something out.” Dean says when they break apart.

“Sounded like you and Roman were arguing.” He mumbles unsure if he should bring it up.

“We were, kind of. He thinks you should talk to the cops. I’m not a big fan of them so…”

“There’s no way they’d listen to me anyway. Hunter has money and I’m- I’m a whore.” Seth adds, frowning. 

“He’s pushing it now so that’s something.” Dean shrugs. “But you should talk to Roman about it.”

He gives a little nod but Seth feels as hopeful as Dean seems about it. He can’t tell them about Hunter without explaining who Seth was to him and then Hunter would just deny it and Seth would be considered a liar. Back to square one, only a lot worse. He can just imagine the older man’s eyes on him, a triumphant smirk on his face like when he’d get Seth to moan for him. It’s not a pleasant memory despite the sudden twitch in his pants, it’s exactly the kind of thing he doesn’t need.

But, he’d be lying if he said there wasn’t some part of him that wanted to be touched like that again. It makes him want to smash his face into a wall. Balance and lack of control. 

“I feel like I’m going in circles.” Seth says. “I know it’s gonna be like this til I can sort my head out but it really fucking sucks.”

Dean opens his mouth to speak but Seth cuts in. “And if you say it’s gonna take time I’m gonna start screaming.”

Dean falls back onto the bed with a quiet thump and starts laughing, Seth joins in a moment later. He’s heard that line so many damn times he’s gotten sick of it. Every day is a baby step toward recovery, each thought that he distinguishes as unhealthy is another. Trouble is almost every thought he has could probably be deemed as unhealthy. He might as well have a fucking lobotomy, it’d be easier. 

“I want you to touch me. I want your hands all over me but I don’t know if I’m supposed to allow that.” Seth says letting his thoughts spill out. Dean’s told him he lives in his head too much, Seth could consider this another baby step. “Like should every time be slow and steady? Be present. I just wanna get lost for two seconds.” He sighs. “...I guess that’s the answer right there.”

Dean pulls Seth into his arms, plants a soft kiss to his forehead and just holds him. It’s enough to calm him down, more than any words about eventually being ok would do. Touch is the only thing he understands, even though the gentleness Dean shows is still sometimes confusing he’s figuring it out. Maybe he’s trying to reach for some outcome that can never be his, that his normal different. 

He’s never been so glad to be cleaning rooms the next morning. It’s the kind of busy work that keeps his mind clear. They’re not talking about all the heaviness of the past few days and he’s grateful for it. Wonders how many therapy sessions it’s going to take to unravel the events since his last visit. If he can ever go back considering Hunter has one of his fucking watch dogs waiting outside for him. 

And there’s his phone buzzing in his pocket, sees Hunter’s name across the screen and feels his chest tighten. Seth doesn’t know why he plays it off, lies to Dean telling him it’s his mom and goes into a vacant room. It could be that he knows Dean might tell him not to answer. Then Seth would be in a silent panic the rest of the day fearing that Hunter would go through with his threat, most likely against his mother. How could he not answer? Seth’s nervous when he hits the receive button but he also knows the older man has a giant ego and maybe somehow he can find a way to work with that.

“What do you want?” The question comes out more tired than angry and he can already hear Hunter chuckling on the other end.

“Wanted to see if you’d answer.”

“Well I did and now I’m gonna hang up.” Already feeling like he’s made a mistake in accepting the call.

“You’re not.” Hunter says in that commanding tone that makes him freeze in place.

“Then tell me what you want.”

“You.”

Seth lets out a bitter laugh. “You think I’m actually gonna go back to you after- After all that? Really?”

“I may have coerced you a little but that’s all it ever takes for you, isn’t it?”

The words hit him like a brick. So much for playing into Hunter’s ego, he’s falling right into it.

Seth hangs up, then. Has enough sense for once to know to stop before he lets things get too out of control. Hunter’s voice alone was nearly enough to send him spiraling. A moment later his phone vibrates but this time it’s a text. He glances at it and leaves the room. Maybe he should talk to Roman.

**I’ll let that slide this time. You’re mine. It’s that simple. Do you really believe I can’t get to you in there?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, ya'll. Thank you for your patience <3


	22. Chapter 22

Seth misses the white noise. The safety blanket that was his headphones. Where he could become absorbed into the music, no intrusive thoughts telling him what kind of person he is, just get lost in the feeling of it all. The kind of shit he isn’t supposed to look fondly at. 

So all Seth’s got is the sound of his footsteps as he paces back and forth the whole elevator ride down to the lobby. Listens to each step on his way to the front desk where Roman’s changing out with the day shift.

Takes a breath and makes the decision then. “Hey, can I talk to you?”

Roman takes him to a back office he hasn’t seen before. Seth helps clean rooms and thinks of the hotel as a place of safety but he doesn’t know all the ins and outs. He wants to. Calling this place a second home wouldn’t do it justice. This is where he wants to stay with Dean.

“So, uh, Dean mentioned you thinking about talking to the cops.”

Roman nods. “Yea, I think it’s the best way to handle this.”

“I think so, too.” He admits, not quite looking at Roman. “I just… you really think they’re gonna believe me?”

“I got a guy in mind. I don’t usually call in on anyone, peoples business is their own. But sometimes things don’t look right. Considered it when I first saw you.”

And that surprises Seth. He pictures what he must have looked like that first night. Some scared kid wearing headphones trailing behind a guy in a suit. “You did?”

“Yup, sent Dean to check on you instead and here we are.”

What would that have been like? Getting hauled off in a squad car and spending a night in a cell with not the nicest of people. His mom having to bail him out. In the end that conversation is always painful and difficult. It’d set him on a different path. Sure, there’d be no fucking disaster with Hunter but he’d also never meet Dean and learn that he was capable of love. Crazy as that still seems. 

In the end it worked out.

Even if he’s falling apart at the seams.

“I’m glad you didn’t.” Seth offers a soft smiles that Roman returns.

“I’ll set something up.” Roman tells him, pats him on the shoulder. “Me and Dean will be with you. Sound ok?”

He nods quickly, trying to push away the anxiety bubbling up his throat. “Sounds good.”

What other choice does he have, really?

And Dean accepts the plan but it’s obvious he isn’t too excited about Seth talking to the cops. For Dean, cops had never been a source of help. They saw him as some junkie that would become just another corpse soon enough. Seth wants to apologize, reassure him, something. He’s made such a mess of things. 

“They probably won’t even believe me.” He says sitting beside Dean. It’s the best he can come up with and really Seth’s certain it’s true. He’s a nineteen year old nobody and Hunter is made of money. Movies have happy endings and his life is certainly not a movie. 

But life is full of surprises and once Roman introduces Detective Owens to Seth it turns out he’s very interested in hearing what he has to say. Puts out his phone to record everything. So he spills. Gives every last detail until he’s shaking. It’s his fault, Seth points that out various times.

“I was stupid. I needed the money.” He needed the attention, the money was just a bonus. “And he seemed nice at first. Made it sound like I could be… I was really stupid.”

Dean holds his hand and it takes everything in him not to start crying on top of everything else. It feels like an eternity before Owens speaks, he just sits there taking everything in. 

Then he stops the recording. “I’m going to have this written up and we can get this going.”

Seth blinks, even after all that he’s still confused. “You believe me?”

“I do. Helmsley has been kind of on the radar but there’s little to work with. You could help us a lot.”

“Really?” And god he’s never felt so light.

Dean however is skeptical and voices that. “Could? He just gave you a ton of shit right there.” 

“And it will help tremendously, but it’s very easy for Helmsley to get away with just a story against him”

“It’s not just a story.” Seth mumbles and Detective Owens gives a nod of understanding.

“I know but we’ll need more.”

“What’s- What’s more?”

“He tried to contact you again, right? You should talk to him, make him think you need him. I think it’s the best approach in catching him in the act.”

“In the act of what? Fucking me?” Seth blurts out before he can stop himself, but what else can Owens mean? 

“You mentioned the house being something like a brothel. We need him there. He can’t talk his way out of it.” Does he seriously want Seth to go back there? As though Hunter’s going to be sweet. As though Seth won’t get lost like he’s been craving. 

“He’ll try.” 

“And by then we’ll have convinced the other workers there to fold on him.” Owens tells him matter of factly. Seth thinks of Tyler, how he’s happy with his little life with Hunter. It doesn’t seem like he’d turn but then again he was ready to kiss Seth’s ass the moment he seemed set to be Hunter’s new thing.

“How are you so sure you can?”

“Years of their life gone or a slap of the wrist, easy choice.”

It’s terrifying. Owens is basically telling Seth to throw himself to the wolves and hope for the best.

“...And if I don’t want to?” He asks hoping for some miraculous answer to fall out of the sky. 

“Best bet is a restraining order that you may or may not get considering how you two met.”

“This is bullshit.” Dean mumbles, glares right at Owens but Seth’s mind is already elsewhere.

Seth’s gaze falls to the floor, wishes for it to open up and swallow him whole. He could file a complaint watch it fall into the void and receive calls and texts from Hunter laughing at him. Or he could take action, pretend he’s someone brave, not some guy that gets on his knees for a couple of bucks and attention. And if it all fails, well, Seth didn’t have high hopes for his life anyway.

Again, what choice does he have?

“Ok... I’ll do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Applause for anyone who read this chapter. I know it's been forever since I did anything with it. I kinda fell out of it and now I'm kinda testing the waters to see if it still has something. Thank you so SO much for reading.


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